17# You pass away
A/n- I may or may not have been crying while writing this
Ashton: “Daddy, daddy!” Our little girl shouted as she ran all over the house, picking up and putting down things.Your things. Little ones, like your hairbrush, or your sweater that hasn’t been moved in the past few months. I don’t know why I didn’t move them, but I don’t. Every little piece of you in our house, even Melanie, reminds me of you. I don’t know whether to cry or to smile whenever I see her, her energy filling up the whole room. She’s so much like you, so much like you. The way she talks, she laughs, she eats. Her smile even reminds me of you. So, I have a confession. For the past few months, I haven’t been able to look her in the eyes or tell her where you’ve gone. But that’s no way to treat her, your daughter- my daughter. Our daughter. I’m going to tell her, and I’m going to make sure she knows what an amazing person you were. Because I love you, and I will make sure she loves you too. And, I will one day move your things. I’ll make sure they go in a special place where they will never get harmed or touched by anything with bad intentions; a place worthy of you. I promise, because even if you’re not walking the earth, you are in my heart. All the time. I love you.
Calum: “Where are you going?” A girl asks me. She’s short, not as tall as you, but her eyes remind me of you. They’re only a few shades darker than yours. “Someone special?” She smiles. It’s a pretty smile, but your smile was better, though. I smile back, because she’s nice. And it’s not fair that not everyone is as perfect as you were. “Yeah, someone very special.” I say, holding the flowers closer to me. Then the bus stops, and I get off. This is where I had you buried, and I think it’s still not pretty enough for you. There’s not enough light, enough flowers enough love here. I almost cremated you so I could put you in your garden, but your brother didn’t want that. So, instead I bring you flowers every day. The boys don’t mind that I’m a bit late to sessions or a bit quieter, or that my songs aren’t quite as happy anymore. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I try, you know? I try to remember how happy you made me, and write that emotion, but somehow the endings always get sad, because I remember you’re gone. And I know it’s not your fault, because things happen. I just want you to know, that wherever you are, I love you. And I will never, ever give up on you.
Luke: “Hey Luke, catch.” Ashton calls, throwing me a ball. I remember this ball- it was from our first date, when we went to that baseball game. It’s funny how things end up, that even though we went to something as casual and irrelevant as a baseball game, we were together for so many years. It’s signed, and made out to us. For Luke and (Y/N), may you two have a happily ever after. Love, the Red Sox team!! I turn, a little, to my left. Nobody’s there, because it’s your chair, where you normally sat when we all got together. Sometimes I can still see you sitting there, smiling, laughing, reading, under a blanket, if I look hard enough. Nobody mentions it, and I realize how much I love the boys. They never got in the way and were always there, during our relationship and now. But no matter how amazing they are, I still cried. I still cry, so hard, babe. I used to cry every night, because you weren’t there for me to wrap my arms around. Now, I don’t cry so much, because I smile instead. Whenever I see you, a picture of you, I smile so wide some people check to make sure I’m not having a stroke. (Calum.) I only play Fifa with your special remote, the pink one- I get teased a lot for that. (Michael, mostly.) I never move your pillows or change your favorite blanket on our bed, but only one person knows that. (Ashton.) They all think I’m done crying, but it’s okay. I only cry on our anniversary and your birthday, and maybe mine sometimes, and not very hard. It’s not a sad cry anymore, you know? It’s a happy one. I’m so happy, love, so happy. I’m so happy because you were amazing and I love you, and we had so much wonderful time together. So much. And I would never change all of our time, at all.
Michael: “Hey, dad.” Our youngest, Zach, murmurs as he kisses my forehead. It’s weird, sitting in the wheelchair, with almost no hair on my head (the little I have is because of you, keeping my hair dying in check.). I feel so old and decrepit, without you by my side, without your endless energy. “You ready?” He asks, wheeling me out of the home and into his car. I sit in the front seat, with his wife and three children in the back. He’s smiling, and I’m smiling too. It’s one of my favorite times of the year, your birthday. It’s spring, and all the bees have woken up. I can practically see you in the meadows we drive past, hair flying around your face, a wide smile plastered across your face. All through the years, your smile never faded- it was my favorite part of you. The car stops by the flower shop we come to every year- they know our order by heart now. The lady smiles whenever I walk- well, now wheel- in. Lavender and white roses, five of each, tied together with teal ribbon- your favorite color. It’s always ready before I’m there. A few more minutes and we’re there, at your grave. All of our kids are there, too. Zachary, obviously, Chris, Emalee, John, Joslyn, Daisy, and Abigail. Nobody says anything as I wheel over, placing the flowers over your grave, touching your name. Below, there’s space, space for me. “I miss you so much, love, so much.” I whisper, but my heart isn’t heavy. It’s soaring- I’ll join you soon, darling.