Avoiding all the awkward situations I was in with people was proving to be extremely difficult. Luke now knew my weakness, Ashton was mad at me because of Luke, Calum knew everything (except my cutting) and kept giving me looks to come clean and whenever I found myself alone with Michael, he urged me to display my singing “abilities”. I had a headache from all the secrets and feelings that I was trying not to let out. It was exhausting.
I mostly spent my time in the hotel room or in my room on the bus because I couldn’t handle it. It was a lot of pressure and it was so confusing and it just made me feel like my head was going to burst.
Most of all, I was homesick. I mean traveling around the US was fun and exciting, but it was a hassle to live on the road. It was just constant movement. Constant rush to be at the next city on time. I was just tired. I couldn’t imagine how the boys felt, and especially the 1D boys. But they were always very energetic no matter how tired they were.
I was also kinda lonely. I felt isolated away from everyone. I was the only girl my age that knew all of these boys and wasn’t the least bit phased by it. So many girls would kill to be in my position. But here I was, hating a lot of it because of feelings.
I woke up one morning on an off day in between Manfield and Wantagh to my mom coming into the hotel room.
“Rylie?” I heard her say softly. I was still in bed, somewhere between awake and sleep. She sat on my bed.
“Yes Mom?” I asked quietly.
“Can we talk?” she said seriously. It made me sit up in worry.
“Uh yeah. Why? Is everything okay?” I asked her quickly.
“Oh yes! Everything is good! No need to worry. I just wanted to talk to you about Luke.” She said. I felt my stomach turn.
“What about him, Mom?” I asked.
“I think you should give him another chance?” she said quietly. It took me a few seconds to process what she had just said.
“You want ME to give HIM another chance? You’re joking right?” I said angrily.
“Now Rylie, hear me out. I know that he was the one that left you and he was the one that wanted to act like he had never met you before, but I think that he was just scared. He didn’t know how to react. He was embarrassed for how he treated you and he didn’t want to own up to it. I think that he honestly wants another chance. He really cares about you Rylie. It may not seem like it, but he does.” She finished softly.
I sat there for a few moments to let what she had said sink in.
“He’s sorry because he saw my scars, Mom. That’s the only reason why. He didn’t care before that.” I said bitterly.
“Rylie, you know better than that. I strongly believe that you and him need to figure this out. Together. I’m sick of seeing you mope around and I’m sick of seeing him trying to hide his feelings. It’s not right. You two have been best friends since you were 5. You know him better than anyone in this world. Act like it.” She said firmly. I looked into her face and saw the seriousness. She gave me a small smile, stood up, and left the room.
What in the hell was that all about? I’m so confused. Since when did my mom take Luke’s side? I felt betrayed.
But I mean, she had a point. I was sick of all this hiding and secret keeping and not knowing what he was thinking. It was maddening. I got up to get ready to go to their rehearsal. I knew that there were rehearsing in one of the ballrooms in the hotel. I showered and dried my hair quickly, put on some running shorts and a t-shirt and headed down to the lobby.
I tried to listen for them playing but I couldn’t hear anything. I wondered around the hall outside the ballrooms trying to listen. I suddenly heard the banging of drums. Aww they were in this one. I opened the door quickly and walked in to see who was inside. There was only one person…Ashton.
I felt my face redden as I looked at him. He gave me no smile, not even a frown. Just a blank stare.
“Umm I’m sorry. I was looking for….my mom.” I lied.
“Oh. Well she’s not here. The rest of the band and her left about 15 minutes ago.” He said sharply.
“Oh…okay. I’m sorry to interrupt. I’ll just go then.” I said awkwardly as I turned towards the door to leave.
“Rylie, wait.” I heard Ashton say.
It took me a few seconds to get the courage to turn around. But finally I did. Ashton had gotten out from behind the drums and was walking towards me.
“Yes?” I said quietly. Ashton stopped about three feet in front of me and looked me straight into the eyes. His expression softened.
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair for me to just shut you off. I said we could be friends and I meant it. It was just shocking to see how you looked at Luke. But I never gave you the chance to explain. How do I even know that the other guy is Luke? I didn’t. I just assumed. But now I’m not so sure. You guys seem like you don’t even like each other as friends. But…oh sorry. I’m rambling.” Ashton said.
What am I even supposed to say to that? I looked into his expecting face knowing that he wanted answers. But how was I supposed to give him answers if I didn’t even know the answers myself?
“Umm well I mean nothing is going on with Luke. Him and I are barely even friends.” I said…which was technically true. I saw Ashton’s face light up.
“And what about this other guy that you spoke of?” Ashton said excitedly. He was so cute, and I didn’t want to lie to him.
“Well I’m still confused as to how I feel about him. Him and I have a…complicated relationship. But right now I’m just trying to talk through everything with him to get it sorted out.” I said truthfully and as least heartbreakingly as possible. But his face still fell. He looked at the ground.
“I’m sorry Ashton. I really do want us to be friends. It’s been really hard the past two months not having you around.” I said honestly.
Ashton’s face slowly looked up. He stared at me for a few seconds. He stood up straight, walked over to me and brought up his hand to my face. He brushed my cheek with his thumb slightly, looking into my eyes. I felt my insides twist in confusion and nervousness. What was he doing? My head said run but my body wouldn’t move. He grasped the back of my head with his large hand and pulled himself towards me. Before I had time to react, he was kissing me.
Wow his lips were soft. I knew they would be. They were always so big and pink. I felt my stomach get butterflies. I felt myself relax into the kiss. His mouth started moving slightly and giving me other kisses. I did the same. We were making out.
I was making out with Ashton Irwin. Of the band 5 Seconds of Summer. In which my best friend Luke was in. Who was also Ashton’s best friend. What was I doing?
I pulled away violently. I took about three steps back from him and looked at the floor, frozen at the spot. I stood there in the silence waiting for him to either leave or say something.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t know what else to do. It was my only chance at changing your mind. I understand if you never want to talk to me again.” Ashton said sadly. I heard him walk, open the door, and then shut behind him.
I collapsed onto the ground. I had to get out of here. I can’t do this anymore.
I eventually found the will to get up. I walked slowly back to the elevator and up to the 15th floor where our room was. I realized I had forgotten to grab a key before I had left. Hopefully my mom was in the room. I got to the door and heard talking. The boys’ manager was probably in there. They were almost inseparable. I knocked. The voices stopped.
After a few seconds my mom opened the door just enough for her head to poke out.
“Oh um hi Rylie. Right now isn’t the best time. Can you go down to the boys’ room for a little while?” she said sounding scared.
“Um no Mom, I can’t. I need to sleep for a while. I have a massive headache.” I said pushing the door open. My mom resisted.
“Mom really? I’m so not in the mood for this right now.” I said angrily as I pushed the door harder.
“Ashley, just let her in.” I heard a male voice say. It was not their manager. It was a voice that I hadn’t heard in two years.
The door swung open to reveal the very last person in this world that I wanted to see.