Chapter 22: Thoughts
I was so close. I couldn’t believe how close I had gotten. But of course we were interrupted by reality. The sad thing is that I was actually kinda relieved. Even though I shouldn’t have been. The thought of telling Rylie what I actually felt was terrifying. I was so scared of her reaction.
Then there was Ashton. Throughout all of this, I had forgotten of his feelings for Rylie. Now I understood why he was mad. But I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t want to explain the circumstances because that would mean coming clean about my entire past with Rylie, and I wasn’t quite sure I was ready for that. So to him, he just thought I had gone behind his back to hang out with Rylie. And I completely understand why he would be mad.
Amber…that was another problem. I had been avoiding her at all costs. But that wasn’t very nice. I had to end it at some point. It was hard with the time difference between London and America. Every time I tried to contact her, she was asleep, and the same for her. I always woke up with a missed call from her.
The past couple of days had just been really awkward. It was weird to be on stage and have to pretend like everything was normal, just to go backstage and not be talking to almost anyone.
Ashton and I got into a few small fights. I tried so hard not to let it happen but he picked a fight with me over the smallest things. For example, we fought over where to eat dinner two nights ago. I suggested something and he said something about how I am always controlling everything. I understand why he is mad at me, but I can’t just let him fire insults at me. So of course I have to defend myself. Which always made it worse. Soon we were bickering about everything. It was easy to see that there was an issue. Calum and Michael had to intervene a couple of times asking what the issue is but neither Ashton or I would respond. I had been approached by both of them privately to figure out what the problem was but I refused to say anything. It was causing a real strain on the band.
It was just so hard to hurt Ashton. He’s one of my best mates. But it just wasn’t the best timing.
It was just so frustrating. I don’t know what to do anymore. It was really hard to watch Rylie have a breakdown when her father showed up. I thought that maybe I could help. That’s why I kidnapped her. I hadn’t originally planned on telling her my feelings but when we are on the Ferris wheel, it just seemed like the right moment.
I wanted so badly to fix this. I wanted so badly to be able to just tell everyone the truth. I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know if I wanted to chance losing all of my relationships that I had built with Michael, Calum and Ashton. But how do I show my feelings for Rylie and make the boys understand at the same time?
Suddenly, I had an idea.
I had never been so mad at someone in my life. Make that two someones.
All I could think about was Rylie. All I know is that I hadn’t stopped thinking about her since the day we met back in February. I thought she liked me. She definitely acted like it…at first. She was flirty, and giggly, and she always looked at me in a way that gave me butterflies in my stomach. But then there was that whole thing with the other guy. I was so upset. I tried so hard to be there for her. But in reality, she kind of just shut me off. Then I saw the way that she looked at Luke when he was with Amber. I heard the jealousy in her voice whenever she talked about it.
I couldn’t believe Luke. He was the one that told me to keep trying. And there he is being all Luke-ish and sweeping every girl off their feet. I tried to not believe that the guy Rylie was confused about was Luke. But I just couldn’t get the look she gave him out of my head.
So then I go and embarrass myself even further by kissing her. I thought maybe it would change her mind. But she was obviously very upset by it. That was so stupid of me.
And then we find Luke at the pier with her! I saw them on the Ferris wheel. He was definitely leaning in before she saw us.
How could he do this to me? He knew that I liked her. He knew that I was upset by her friend zoning me. And then he goes behind my back to charm her and be there for her and take her to the carnival on the pier, and almost kiss her. Some best mate he was.
It was so hard to not take this out on the rest of the band. But it was also so hard to be in the same room with him. The odd thing is that he took most of my comments. He knows he’s guilty, and I think that’s what makes it worse. He’s not even bothering to apologize to me. But I could tell that it was affecting practices and writing sessions, and it was starting to affect our stage performances. The other boys were awkward because they knew they couldn’t pick sides. The last thing I wanted was to end the band.
This tour needs to be over so I can spend time alone without him or Rylie.
This is never ending. I was so entirely confused.
I avoided everyone at all costs. I didn’t leave my room on the bus. I didn’t let anyone in unless it was my mom bringing me food. I didn’t talk to her though. I was still mad about the whole dad thing. He left. I don’t know when and I don’t care. As long as he’s gone.
I was lying in my bed as usual. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since the hooky incident. Neither Luke nor Ashton came looking for me. I don’t blame them. Ashton is pissed, which is understandable. And I got Luke into trouble so he was avoiding getting into more trouble.
I couldn’t get the kiss from Ashton out of my head. Every time I thought about it, it put my stomach in knots. It was an amazing kiss. It gave me butterflies like I hadn’t had in a long time. But as soon as it was over, I felt guilty. And that’s what is frustrating me the most.
Luke and I are not a thing. He didn’t want that. I’m not even sure I wanted that. We were friends 10 years before we stopped being friends. Thinking about the possibility of him actually liking me freaked me out.
Is it what I wanted? The thought used to be humorous. But looking back on things, my feelings towards Luke had always been really strong. Obviously if it led me to cutting after he left. I used to always find myself admiring his eyes, his hair, the way he talks, and walks, and oh shit.
I have liked Luke for a long time.
I’m just now realizing this? I am literally such an idiot.
I think I had always just denied it because I couldn’t possible be attracted to him, he’s just Luke. My goofy best friend. It felt normal to be that comfortable with him and have admiring feelings for him.
But of course there’s no way that he liked me. He left. Why would he leave if he liked me? That makes no sense.
So now what? Do I tell Luke how I feel? Well I don’t even know if that’s a possibility because I don’t know how I feel. Do I really want to risk that? We were finally becoming friends again and he was finally comfortable with acting like it. I didn’t want to ruin that. And then there’s the other problem.
I liked him so much. He was such an amazing, sweet, and caring guy. He was new, and exciting and different. I had no complicated past with him. I had nothing holding me back. I had freedom. And that’s what drew me to him the most.
Suddenly there was a knock on my door to pull my thoughts away from it all.
“I’m not hungry Mom.” I hollered back.
“Uhh it’s Calum. We need to talk,” he said sounding pretty serious. Uh-oh.
I got up to unlock the door, and pulled it open. Calum stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him.
“This whole secret past friendship you and Luke had needs to be admitted ASAP. It’s causing major problems.” Calum said quickly.
“Uhh what do you mean?” I asked.
“Luke and Ashton. They won’t stop arguing. They are starting to demand that the other not be in the room when they are there. Do you know how hard it is to practice when missing a drummer or a lead singer/ lead guitar? Pretty damn hard. This needs to end. Luke isn’t going to tell Michael and Ashton by himself, so you two need to figure it out and figure it out fast before there is no more 5 Seconds of Summer,” Calum said harshly.
Wow. Things were really that bad?
“Okay, okay, you’re right. This has gotten out of hand. I’ll talk to Luke. I promise.” I said to Calum. He gave a slight smile.
“Hey I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get nasty there. It’s just I would hate to see the end of this. I love these guys and I love this band, and it would be devastating for it to end over some fight that Ashton doesn’t even know the half of.” Calum said.
Wow it was scary how right he was. It wasn't fair to Ashton. Or Michael and Calum for that matter. I would talk to Luke.
As soon as I found the courage.