Chapter 6: Feelings
I watched her flirt with Ashton. It killed me inside. I can’t believe I had just spoken to her in that way. That wasn’t like me at all. But I couldn’t help it, seeing her just brought back all the anger I felt two and a half years ago.
I thought that I wouldn’t have to ever see her again. I thought that I could just move on with my life and pretend that she wasn’t once a huge part of it. I wanted to break away from the person I was back home, from who I was now. But seeing her brought it all back. Made me relive everything that had happened in the 10 years that we were friends.
I walked back up the stairs to my room. I picked up my guitar, sat on my bed and started strumming chords from one of our songs. Just then I heard a knock on my door. Frustrated by the interruption, I replied, “Come in” and in walked Calum.
Well that was strange because he never knocked. Usually he would just walk right in, as did the other boys.
“Hey Luke. What’s up?” Calum asked as he sat on my bed. I looked at him suspiciously. This is not at all what he normally acts like.
“Uh not much man. Just strumming. What’s up with you?” I asked coolly.
“I was just seeing if you were alright.” Calum asked quickly.
“Umm yeah why wouldn’t I be?” I asked wondering where this conversation was going.
“Well, you just acted really weird when you came into the restaurant today. I saw the way that you looked at Rylie.” Calum finished. Uh oh. This is exactly what I didn’t want.
“Dude, what are you talking about? I didn’t look at her in any way.” I said trying to sound convincing.
“I saw you check her out. You are totally into her. Can’t say I blame you mate, she is very attractive, but I think that Ashton’s got it out for her as well.” Calum said. I felt myself relax at his words.
“What? You think I am into Rylie?” I said with a laugh. Calum looked at me accusingly.
“Luke I know you better than anyone, and I know when you like girl. You always shut yourself off instead of going after them. Why are you always so afraid to go after girls? You know they all fancy you?” Calum said. What he had said about shutting myself off was true.
“Just because I am up in room instead of downstairs talking to Rylie does not mean that I like her. I’ve known her for like 2 hours.” I argued.
“So? That’s enough time to evaluate someone. I saw you do it with Amber the first time.” Calum said, with the last sentence coming out quieter than the rest.
“Well Amber and I are over, so it doesn’t really matter what happened with her, does it?” I said getting angry.
“Sorry mate, didn’t mean to upset you, I was just trying to prove a point.” Calum said getting defensive.
“What point Calum? Why are you so worried about my love life? I don’t bother in yours. Just because Amber and I ended badly, doesn’t mean that I am still heartbroken over her. It also doesn’t mean that I like every girl that I shut myself away from. I am focusing on my band. OUR band. And girls are just a distraction.” I finished looking at Calum.
Calum gave me a look of pity as he got off my bed.
“I am just trying to be a friend Luke. I don’t know what’s wrong with you and if you aren’t willing to tell me, that’s your choice. But I am here if you want to talk,” Calum said looking hurt as he walked out of my room, shutting the door behind him.
Ugh. What was wrong with me? Why was I getting so temperamental about everything? Calum was just trying to help.
But he was right. I was shutting myself off. From him, from the other guys and from Rylie. But I couldn’t help it.
The reason I was so mad at Rylie after hearing what she said about me was because I couldn’t believe my best friend of 10 years would ever say such horrible things about me. Even though I knew they weren’t true, and I knew that she knew that, it still made me angry. She was confirming my fear.
It was kind of the final blow to my self-esteem. I felt my friendship with Rylie slipping away from a year before that incident. She had started acting weird with me. She started being quiet, avoidant, and judgmental. I wasn’t sure why or what I had done to make her change her attitude towards me.
I started spending less time with her and more time with other girls. They made me feel wanted. They made me feel confident in myself. The thing that killed me was that I felt I could never match up with Rylie. She was too good of a person. She was too sweet, too nice, too funny and too pretty. And I was just…me. So when I heard her saying terrible things about me, I felt lower than I ever had. She was confirming my fears. She thought she was too good for me also. And I knew why it hurt me so bad.
I would never be with her. She had confirmed my worst fear, that she was completely out of my league. I could never be with her. We would never be more than just friends. She reminded me of the pain I had when I saw her everyday. I ran away to end the pain of not being good enough.
I forgot about it with time. but seeing Rylie again reminded me that ever since we were 5 years old, I have been utterly, completely and sincerely in love with her.