Chapter 12: After
The days following the fight between Luke and I were awkward. We went back to the normal acting like each other was just an acquaintance. He kept his distance a lot. He stayed away from the group and especially far away from me. And that frustrated me. I kept thinking about that conversation we had. I was still confused. There was something he wasn’t telling me.
I thought back to the week after we had stopped being friends. I remember going back to all of our usual places in hopes that I would run into him there, to try and explain. I sat for whole days at the diner in my town, the beach in his town, the cave that we found when were 9, the playground, the ice cream shop and even outside of the pool. But he didn’t show up. I didn’t know what to think.
How could I have lost my best friend of 10 years? Every time I tried to call him, he ignored the call. Eventually the number said to be out of service. All I had felt was emptiness. I didn’t leave my room, only for school. My parents became worried about me. They tried reaching out to Luke’s parents, but they kept telling them the same thing they told me. Luke would come around eventually.
My parents told me that I needed to make other friends. I was never very good at making friends. I didn’t know how to have girl friends. I didn’t want another guy friend. And I didn’t want other friends. I wanted Luke. I needed Luke. No one understood me like he did. He knew all my secrets, fears and dreams. He knew that I loved to sing but was too scared to sing in front of a group of people. I had performed songs in front of him, which no one else knew I had written. He knew that my biggest fear was being lonely.
But after he had left, he had made my biggest fear become reality. I had never felt lonelier in my life. I battled with severe depression. I started harming myself, by cutting. It let my fear of rejection and loneliness out. I watched it spill out. I didn’t hurt anymore. It was relieving. I did that for about two months before my parents saw it.
I was sent to a psychologist. I was diagnosed with depression. I talked through my problems with Dr. Richards. She made me understand that people leaving is a natural part of life and sometimes it’s for the better. It also doesn’t entirely make it my fault. Some people just can’t deal with certain situations and they deal with stuff by running away.
Being in therapy helped me. I eventually learned not to blame Luke for all my problems.
I just wish I could have explained myself to him. It almost felt like we had broken up, but we were not even close to dating.
I eventually figured out that sulking or cutting wasn’t going to fix my problems. I asked my mom to take singing lessons so I could try and get over my fear by perfecting my voice.
But being around Luke, it was hard not to think back to all those emotions. Especially when he was so close physically, but so far away from me mentally. I just wanted to talk about inside jokes that we had, or talk about a specific person that we both knew. But I couldn’t. He wasn’t MY Luke anymore. He was someone different. I wanted so badly to bring back my Luke, but he wouldn’t give me a chance. I wanted so badly to move on from something that I regretted every day by explaining what happened that day, but he wouldn’t let me.