Friendship. Trust. What did they mean? Was it simply something that you would give away to another without so much as a second thought? Was it something that was flimsy, made to be broken or was it something more? What is it like to have a friend that you can always rely on; to call when you are feeling down? What is it like to give away a part of you to someone else – trust them wholly, unquestionably? What is it like to know that they will always be there?
That was how things were supposed to be, but in reality, everything was always going to be different. They were always far from how they were supposed to be. Always. And it pained Kris to see things always turn out as such. Most of the time, he just couldn’t take it.
Kris’ heart felt as though it was breaking in two as he began the journey to visit the one he loved most. With his hands stuffed into his pockets and head bowed in an attempt to avoid the crisp winter wind, he retraced his steps. Kris’ body felt numb and whether that was due to the cold or the sadness and guilt he was feeling, he did not know. But what he did know was that whatever it was he was feeling …
It hurt more than any other form of pain that he knew.
Not once did Kris imagine he would be saying goodbye to the one he loved, but he had no choice. He couldn’t bring himself to leave without one final farewell.
“Tao,” he managed to choke; his voice and heart were breaking. “Why didn’t you tell me? You didn’t have to go through this alone…”
With his head bowed, Kris made his way through the city, ignoring the calls of fans and media alike; they both hounded him for information in the days following Tao’s death, and it hurt every member whenever they would ask.
How could they be so careless with their words? The members were suffering enough; they didn’t need this. Nobody did. After spending the first few days as far out of the media’s eye as possible, Kris finally snapped. He didn’t want to be locked away. He didn’t want to hide.
He wanted to see the one he could truly call his best friend. The one he loved like a brother. The one who …
Shaking his head, Kris exhaled; his warm breath crystallising in front of him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Tao had fought, he had fought this alone – and longer than anyone could have possibly imagined. He had fought – and lost.
Kris felt guilty that he hadn’t realised what Tao was going through. He didn’t offer any help or support. But how could he when Tao had kept it all to himself? Kris’ eyes stung as he felt warm tears stream down his cheeks.
Did Tao not trust him enough?
It didn’t have to be a battle that he had to fight on his own. Kris would have done anything to be able to change the past; to turn back time. But no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t. Tao was gone.
He was gone forever. Tao wasn’t cut out for the life of an Idol. Then again, they all weren’t.
“Where are you going?” Suho had asked Kris as he was leaving. Kris didn’t reply.
As he turned the corner, Kris allowed his shoulders to slump and he let out another choking sob. There, a short way off was his final destination.
“Where am I going?” Kris murmured quietly as he quickened his pace through the desolate cityscape. “I’m going to be with Tao.”