I stood in a meadow, the wind ruffling my hair. It seemed peaceful. A voice broke out through the wind and it was my voice. My conscience. Except it wasn't. It was a memory. I was sitting on my bed with molly having a pathetic melt down about Dylan.
'I want to be loved, to be held.' I heard my self begin. 'To mean the entire world to a person. I want to feel the persons love for me every time i look at them. I want to know what it's like to fall in love all over again when they look me in the eye.'
I was interrupted by the voice when I heard another, more memorizing voice.
'Zoe?' Dylan said. I turned to him and saw his beautiful face. He looked broken. His eyes dull and his face defeated with a sad expression. He opened his arms and when i stepped into him he smirked and I instantly knew everything was wrong.
'See mackenzie?' He chuckled. 'This fat freak is so pathetic.' I heard her snickering behind me and I woke up in a cold sweat.
A/N *Warning* this scene is extremely depressing and dramatic but it is also a big part of the story, if you do not wish to read this kind of self harm stuff i suggest you skip the rest of this chapter.
I stood up and faced my full length mirror and frowned at my appearance. I tugged my shirt up and examined my stomach in the mirror. My conscience tells me how thin I look but my eyes tell me differently. My hand tugs gently at a layer of fat on my side.
fatty, I hear Mackenzie's taunting, Ugly little fat ass.
A tear slips down my cheek and I narrow my eyes at my self. I glance at my thighs and see enormous layers of fat. I blink once and see a normal, skinny, curvy, beautiful girl. Then I blink again and see a fat, ugly, worthless girl that I have come to think of my self as.
Blinking back tears I walk to my bathroom and pick up my blade. It's been months. I promised my self i would stop for Molly's sake but she didn't have to know. No one did. I didn't even feel it as the blade slide smoothly across the flesh on my wrist. I didn't wince as the skin broke and blood pooled out. I breathed in and out deeply before repeating it again, and again, and again..
I must have done at least 13 cuts before I was satisfied. I didn't react to anything as i cleaned my wrist and washed off the blade. It was like my head was in a different world asI climbed back into bed and drifted off into a slow, dreamless night.
My alarm clock went off at 7:15 am. I got out of bed, my wrist stinging at the still open wounds from last night. I shrugged off the pain as i brushed and straightened my hair. I pulled on some faded jeans and an infinity tank top. I remembered the cuts once again and pulled on a long sleeve cardigan and the sleeves were longer than my arms. I looked in the mirror and applied some light eyeliner, foundation and some mascara. My eyes-lashes were already long and dark so I didn't really need it, but I didn't care. I grabbed my lunch money off the counter that my mom had left me before she left earlier in the morning and got in my car.
I stopped by at molly's house to pick her up for another dreadful day at school. She smiled at me as she got in.
"ready to go?" She asked.
"Yup," I said popping the 'p', "Let's get this shit over with."
We pulled into the student parking lot about 8 minutes later and linked arms before heading to class. I walked right past the popular group without even looking up. The stinging in my wrist reminded me of my hate towards Mackenzie, and myself. I got my books from my locker as first bell rang for class. I walked into art and sat in my usual seat. Dylan came in and sat beside me, I turned my attention away from him trying not to focus on his eyes burning into me.
"Zoe." He stated softly, and I remembered my dream. My cheeks flared and I ignored him. "Zoe. please." He said again. I turned my eyes to him and looked to him as if saying, 'what?' "Are you still mad?" He asked and I rolled my eyes at his idiotic question before turning away. "Zoe come on, talk to me."
I huffed at him, he can't take a hint. "What?" I demanded.
"Are you still mad?" He repeated.
"Yes." I simply replied.
"Come on Zoe." He frowned. "I didn't mean it, and about the whole Mackenzie thing, I really don't know how to explain it to you." I looked at the ground wordlessly as images from my dream flashed into my mind.
"Why can't you just leave me alone and ignore me like you used to." I whispered hoarsely.
"I don't want to," he replied just as quiet. Even when I'm mad at him, butterflies still form in my stomach every time he speaks. I turned away from him and focused on my art for the rest class and when the bell rang he was the first out of the class. I sighed and made my way to my next, dylan/mackenzie free class.