Silvia is one of my best friends, but there are things that I don't tell her cause I am afraid that she will judge me. I have a past that she doesn't know and I am afraid what she would think of me becuase of my past. Things where done that I am not proud of, and regret, and wish I could forget. But, every single memory keeps rewinding in my mind. Like it wants to stay there to remind me that I am not the same person I was back in Freshman Year. I have change a lot, and I am afraid to say I am lost.
I know the reason, the actual reason why Alex transfer here to the academy. At first it was for me, because he wanted to spend time in school with me and after school. Instead of us waiting on eachother for different times to see if we even could hang out. It was very complicated, but we pull through, eventually. Those cold nights waiting for him to meet me up at the diner after soccer practice, he would come out ealier than me, but his school was farther away from mine. Our diner was in the middle, ok more toward where I would practice. But, those nights were freakin cold!
Ugh!! Stupid memories!! I hate them so much they just make wonder what if we did stay together, would I be happy right now or would something come up and ruin it. I don't like you memories you make me change my views toward him. He is not nice, sweet, caring, loving, and trustful. He is a freakin big fat jerk, who doesn't deserve happiness, but guess what he is freakin happy as hell and he is out to get me. I am not in love with, I repeat I am not in love with him, I AM NOT FREAKIN IN LOVE WITH HIM!! I am only in love with memories and the person he pretended to be, but I am not in love with him. I can't and I won't be in love him. Memories are great but they just a reminder of what never actually happen. Why? Well because everything that happen was a freakin lie!! A big fat lie, that wish that never happen, I wished he never came into my life, that he never started to talk to me, that I never started to like him, to never fall for him, to never kiss him, and to never let him change who I was. If it wasn't for him I would have been the same Nikki I was when I was 15, not this Nikki. This crappy, usless Nikki, I was so stupid, why did I let it hapen. Why?
I left Silvia house about ten minutes ago, I walking around the streets right now hoping I can clear my mind before I get home. I want everything in the past to just be that, the past, but it doesn't work like that not at all. I'm here walking at night trying to forget the memories that I had with Alex and I don't want to think of him. It hurts, just to think how happy I was with him, I thought he loved me like I loved him. But, I was so stupid I fell for his stupid game and got hurt so bad, to the point that I am no longer myself. I became so corrupted since we departed from eachother. I try to get myself to go back on the right path, but it's hard. When you are lost, you are hopless, to the point where you just give up. I gave up a long time ago, I stop caring about what people said about me. I hate being told who I am suppose to be, get through your head I'm not that girl you wished you had !! I will will never be her, don't go trying to change me, it's not going to work. I'm not gonna wear that kind of clothes to please your needs, because I'm not that girl either. And you know what I don't care if you think I'm stupid, ok I get it I'm not smart like you, so what I'm not trying to be you. I'm trying to be myself, but I can't !! I am trying to please you all so I can get you all off my back, but I can't!! I just can't .
I walk into the liquor store and spot them, I haven't seem them since last year, since I left Alex. They just keep staring at me, wondering what I am doing. I go to the back and grab a bag of chips, donuts, and pretzels. Then I go to the back where the drinks where at and I stare at the alcohol and I keep looking at them should I buy a pack or not. It's been awhile since I had drink, I can easliy buy it even if I'm underage. They know me, they are the parents of them, speaking of them they are looking at me if I'm gonna buy the pack or not. I grab an Arizona instead and head to the cashier and pay my snacks and just walk outside. Just as I step out of the liquor store, the main one Mason came up to me. " Long time no see Nikki" He said. " It's just been a year Mase, miss me that much?" I replied " Who wouldn't miss you, you were the best at your job" He said " Ahh that's why you miss me, I'm heartbrocken I thought you care for me Mase, but I guess I was wrong." I said. " Oh I care for you Nikki a lot, and knowing you, I know you want this." He said giving me a plastic bag. When I was about to open the bag, he stopped me and pulled me closer to me and whisper into my ear " trust me babe, open it when you're home, I know you and I know you going to want this. Just trust me and whenever you want to talk you know where to find me. " He said and went back inside of the liquor.
I was left dumbfounded outside of the liquor, I was there shellshock as you may say. I didn't know what was in the bag and I didn't open as soon as he left. I guess he still had control over me and I hate it, but for some reason I didn't mind so much from him. I kept walking home, I was almost there I only live three minutes away from the liquor. I may have been walking for hours techniqually minutes, it was a just a long time, but I wanted to clear my mind before I got home. I stuff the plastic bag into my backpack and kept walking. I pass the alley and the nearby gang saw me and glare at me, but they knew not to mess with me. I was protected by Them. And they didn't want to get into any trouble with Them. I got to my house, I open the gate and walked toward the kitchen door, never liked the main door. As I got closer to the door, I hear my parents yelling at each other. Not this again.
"You always let her do anything she wants!" my dad yelled
"No I don't, but I do let her have some freedom !" my mom responded
"Then where the hell is she!" he yelled
"I don't know!!" mom yelled
"See you raised a horrible child !!" dad yelled
"You raised her too!!" mom responded
I decided to go in and see if they stop yelling before the neighbor calls the cops again.
"Hi, I'm home" I said
"Where the hell have you been?" my dad asks
"At Silvia's house." I said
"Why didn't you call?" my mom asked
"I didn't think I have to, since he has the gps tracking chip thing on my phone." I said
"You chipped her phone, don't you trust her !" mom yelled at my dad
"No I don't after what she did you think she should be trusted !!" my dad yelled
"She messed up, everyone does that, but they learn and I know she won't do it again. " mom responded
"She messed up!! that's all you got to say !! she messed up!! she did way worse than that!! God, why couldn't you be more like Silvia!! I wish she was my daughter !!" my dad yelled
I couldn't take this any longer, I stormed out of the kitchen!! I found my room and slam the door and lock it !! My mom came running after me, she tried opening the door. that didn't happen I heard her yelling at me to open the door, but I didn't listen. I put my phone on the dock and blasted the music, hoping it will cancel out my parents shouts. It was 'Let the flames begin' live version by Paramore, this song, the drums, the lyrics, the vocals made just wanna scream!! I want to freaking scream at the world, why do you hate me so much !!!
I hate this !! I hate my life, why couldn't I have parents that forgive easily !!! I get I messed up, but I'm trying !! why don't they love me ?! why ? Look at me right now crying for what parents approval ! I hate this I hate this! why must I be so weak, why ? I'm useless, a piece of crap, why would anyone care for me ! ugh !! I want to I just want to... I punch the wall, then I punch it again and again. I keep punching the wall till my knuckles start to bleed. I go to drawer that holds up my tv and look for the bandage and and warp it around my hands. I sit down on the floor and look at my closet door and spot my backpack. I remember Mason gave me something and haven't open it yet. I grab my backpack and take out the bag and when I open it's a bottle of Wine.
I know Wine is not strong but sure hell clams me down. I don't know how he does it, to know when I'm down or plain mad, he just does. I keep looking at the bottle, should I drink it, should I not. It takes me a long time to think about this, it's been long since I drank an alcoholic drink. I grab the bottle, and start drinking it, while I let the music play in the background and every lyric telling me how I feel right now. How I messed up and lost everything in my life, huh funny I can hear my dad yelling at me right now telling to turn the music down. But I'm here drinking a bottle of wine letting the sorrows get the best of me. It's funny you know how I can be happy one minute and turn to a depressed alcoholic the next. It's sad to think the most important people in your life are the ones that kill you.
It's been a long time since I updated !!! But hey here you go !! hope you liked the chapter, it's kind a personal but at least you get to know Nikki more and her past well a glimpse !! anyway I got accepted to Cal State Northridge !! Whoop whoop !! I'm waiting on other colleges to get acceptance letters !! Other wise I'm going to CSUN !!! Sting break is almost here three more days!! Oh and the spring concert too !!! It's in Friday and I'm singing !!! Ahhh I'm scared !!! PROM !!! Is Saturday and my buddy asked me to prom with cupcakes !!! Cupcakes and there were chocolate !! Yum !! Well yeah that's a little update so far enjoy !! Leave comments below if you want !!! Byeeee !! Peace love jenny