38. Chapter 38
Just when I had thought I literally could not get any more insane, I somehow manage to prove myself wrong every time. Hearing this newfound information about Harry has left me aching on the inside. It’s the kind of ache that just stays there and will not go away. I should hate him. But I can’t. After everything he’s done to me. He’s the one who got me here in the first place and yet I cannot bring myself to hate him. I can convince myself I hate him all I want but I know deep down I will always have this annoying soft spot for him.
This makes me hate myself even more.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath trying to calm myself down. I’m not sure how I feel. I know I feel angry and sad but I also feel hatred for myself. It’s a strange combination really.
This is too much to process all on one night especially when I am this tired. I want to sleep but I don’t want to relive some of those nightmares.
I really don’t feel like breaking down in front of Louis and Zayn. Crying has gotten me nowhere and Zayn will most likely use my weak state to his advantage. So I do the only thing that will help me let out all of these emotions.
I scream. Not just scream, but I scream like I have never screamed before. I let out all of the rage, hurt, sadness and confusion out all in one scream.
I don’t even bother opening my eyes to see Zayn and Louis reactions and to be honest I couldn’t even care anymore.
“Jesus! Shut the fuck up!” Zayn’s shouts are drowned out over my screams. After what seems like hours, I finally stop before collapsing on the floor in a heap. I probably look really over dramatic right now but I honestly feel good after screaming. I take a few deep but hoarse breaths recovering from my semi mental break down. I’m mildly surprised that neither Zayn nor Louis made any attempt to stop me.
After a minute or so, I open my eyes and blink a few times to get used to the light to see properly. I notice Zayn standing with his arms crossed over his chest looking extremely pissed. Louis on the other hand looks down at me with an almost sympathetic look on his face. But I don’t want his fucking sympathy. I just want to get out of here and forget any of this happened. I want to forget that I ever met the boys and Harry.
“You’re so fucking lucky that the others are drunk and passed out.” Zayn spits but the screaming seems to have given me more confidence to stand up to him. I look at him impassively.
“I don’t care.” I croak, my throat still dry and sore from screaming. Zayn’s eyebrows shoot up as he looks at me in astonishment.
“And you shouldn’t care either. You already hate me anyway.” I shrug at him. His silence only encourages me to speak more.
“So go on then. Rape me. It’s nothing I haven’t done before. You’ve already hurt and abused me in unimaginable ways so why stop now?” I egg him on however, he and Louis both just stand there somewhat dumbfounded. I have no idea what has overcome me and I really don’t want to go into too much depth. Whatever has happened to me has helped me to stand up for myself and I like the dominant feeling I’m getting from this.
I roll my eyes at the two boys before pushing myself off of the ground into a standing position. As I do this, I feel a sudden nauseating feeling pass my entire body and I have to hold my stomach momentarily to settle myself.
“Amelia?” Louis pipes up sounding somewhat confused by my behaviour. I don’t blame him really. I put my hand up signalling to him that I’m fine when I know deep down I’m not. The feeling comes back again only this time much more intense making me gag ever so slightly. I start to cough violently and within seconds I find myself throwing up all over the floor with my hands resting on my knees for support. What the fuck is going on? Why am I throwing up? The feeling scares me and I begin to shake violently as I continue to throw up.
I feel a presence behind me as I continue to make a mess all over the floor and a moment later I feel my hair being lifted away from my face and pulled back so my hair does not get in the way. I do not even bother or think about too much who is helping me because right now I feel like shit and I’m scared.
My belly starts to ache once again and I know I literally cannot cope with throwing up any more so I stand up and continue to cough the horrible taste out of my mouth. I take deep breaths as I do this.
“Easy there Amelia or you will pass out.” The familiar voice from Louis says almost kindly as I feel him rubbing my back soothingly. Why is he helping me?
“Get off of me!” I croak pushing him away and stepping away from him.
“You’ve all done this to me! I can’t deal with this shit on top of everything else!” I yell weakly.
“Dude, you thinking what I’m thinking?” Zayn asks Louis quietly however Louis keeps his focus on my emotional state.
“Don’t go there Zayn.” Louis attempts to sound stern but it ends up coming out more as a plea.
“I’m just saying. We can’t ignore the possibility.” Zayn shrugs. Louis snaps his gaze to Zayn and narrows his eyes in warning at him. Even though he’s still slightly tipsy, he’s still standing up for me for some unknown reason.
“I’m not ignoring the possibility Zayn but you know Harry will have our balls if It’s true.” Louis says menacingly. What the hell are they talking about?! I want to ask them but Zayn interrupts me.
“Why has everything got to do with Harry?! Fuck this shit. This is getting ridiculous!” Zayn groans before walking out of the room. I hate him. I fucking hate him. He has left me in this weak state and doesn’t give a shit. Not that I expected him to but still.
I rub my belly as it begin to settle down. I can literally feel how green my skin is right now and I feel awful.
“What are you talking about?” I ask Louis in annoyance. My head is throbbing from everything and I swear to god if he says something ridiculous I will explode and I’m not ever being over dramatic when I say that.
“Nothing. Just stay here and get some rest. I need to talk to Zayn. I’ll clean this up while you’re asleep.” He grumbles before pushing passed me and walking out of the room as well.