"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I'll set you apart"
The decision to 'die' was not my own. Once my path was determined, I accepted it, but with a reluctance I was not used to. Logic and science have always been the basis of my life, but as I was planning to disappear, a strange feeling came over me that I was not used to. One of longing; of wishing I did not have to go. I was not used to having ties and would usually come and go as I pleased. Of course, I knew leaving John was one tie I had to break but I could accept this and I knew he would eventually cope with my absence, for however long it would be. But the thought of leaving Molly.....
I struggled with my feelings for so long. I had never been attached to another human in the same way before. My ties to Irene were intellectual and sexual, but not emotional. She was intriguing, like a puzzle I needed to crack. But Molly….she was not a puzzle. She was wide open, her feelings and thoughts were plain for everyone to see. I was not used to this type of relationship and it took me a long time to understand it. I have often examined the emotions of other people but failed to recognise the signs in myself.
I went to the lab, trying to keep my focus on Moriarty. I was desperate to beat him, partly because I detested losing, but partly because I knew what would happen if I lost. I hated the fact that he had hurt Molly and used her to get to me. I tried to pretend she was not there but I could feel her next to me as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I was carrying on as normal, still unaware of the full extent of my feelings, still trying to rationalise my racing heart as adrenaline.
The microscope was a welcome focus as I considered Moriarty’s words to me. Molly always listened to me; she was tuned in to whatever I said or did. She heard me muttering and questioned it, and I was irritated as she drew my focus back to her and away from the microscope. I spent so much of my time trying to stop thinking about her.
‘You’re a bit like my dad. He’s dead. No sorry…..’
I snapped at her. I didn’t want her to speak to me and I knew being cruel was usually a good way to stop her. I suppose I act like a child in a playground, hitting the girl to hide the fact that I like her.
‘When he was dying he was always cheerful, he was lovely. Except when he thought no one could see. I saw him once; he looked sad. You look sad when you think he can’t see you. Are you ok? And don’t just say you are. Because I know what that means, looking sad when you think no one can see you.’
I always thought I kept up such a calm exterior; one that no one could see through. I prided myself on it. Emotion was unnecessary and a distraction from the work. But she cut right through me. How could she know? I had not told anyone how I expected it to turn out with Moriarty but she knew. She thought I was hiding my sadness when I thought John was not looking, but the truth was he was just not looking at me in the same way.
‘You can see me. ‘
Because she could see me, the me I kept hidden from everyone else.
‘I don’t count.’
I looked at her incredulously. How could she think that? She counted more to me that she knew. More than anyone knew.
‘What I’m trying to say is if there’s anything I can do, anything you need, anything at all, you can have me. No I just mean....I mean if there’s anything you need….It’s fine.’
I was stunned. I knew she would do anything for me and that I could take advantage of that. I was struggling for words.
‘Wh..what could I need from you?’
‘Nothing I dunno.’
Her cheeks turned more pink than usual, her eyelids fluttered and she was breathing rapidly.
‘You could probably say thank you, actually.’
She had no idea what I was thanking her for. Her words changed me. She did not know how much she counted to me. I had to set those feelings aside though, too much else was riding on me.
When I was with John, it hit me. Moriarty knew how much John, Mrs Hudson and Lestrade meant to me in varying ways. But my calm exterior had worked; he never realised about Molly. I realised that she could save me. I had to find her, and I knew she would help me. I knew I had to be honest with her though and so I had to see her alone.
I waited for her in the lab, knowing I would find her there.
‘You’re wrong you know. You do count. You’ve always counted and I’ve always trusted you.’
I struggled to keep the emotion out of my voice and it broke slightly several times. I could not bear the fact that I was asking her to put herself in danger for me. Especially as it meant we could not stay together.
‘You were right. I’m not ok.’
‘Tell me what’s wrong.’
The emotion in her face broke my heart.
‘Molly, I think I’m going to die.’
‘What do you need?’
I needed to know if she loved me. Not Sherlock the genius or Sherlock the perceived superhero, but the real me that I thought she saw.
‘If I wasn’t everything that you think I am, everything that I think I am, would you still want to help me?’
‘What do you need?’
She repeated her question, unwavering, not faltering. I could tell by her steady gaze and the way she looked into my eyes that she was honest. I could barely believe that someone so beautiful, so innocent and caring could love me so completely. I slowly stepped closer to her.
And in that moment, she was all I needed. I stepped closer again and cupped her cheek in my hand. I wiped the tears away with my thumb and tried to comfort her. She closed her eyes and seemed to savour my touch despite the fact that my hand was shaking.
She looked up at me again with her large brown eyes and our faces were so close I could feel her breath on my lips. Usually I am an expert at noticing the small details but at that moment I could not think. I was instinctive. I moved my hand down to her chin and pulled her face towards me. As my lips touched hers, I felt so many things at once: release, happiness, excitement, fear. Our lips began to move together and I felt like I was dreaming. I never knew it would be like this. For all my rational thought, I could not fathom this. How the body could take over the mind; my brilliant mind. My tongue gently entered her mouth and I could taste her. My other hand moved to take hers in mind and we stood there for what seemed like hours, holding hands and kissing and for a while, I forgot what was to come.