When I wake, I don't open my eyes. I feel myself moving slightly along with the pace of someone's breath. I smell something subtle, yet pretty and I feel soft skin against mine. I open my eyes and see brown hair before me. Fair, smooth skin, and soft pink lips, slightly parted. I find myself smiling a bit. Looking at her, Ava, I mean. But why? I don't like her, nor can I. I want to move, But something inside me doesn't want to wake her. At the same time, I don't want to face her when she wakes. Zayn, get out of there. You don't care about her, and she doesn't care about you. Get it through your head That I am the only one. Her voice rings through my ears. I squint my eyes.
I take a deep breath and look to her. She holds one of my arms to her body, loosely. My other arm creates contact between us, as I felt it there the entire night. I am the only one, her voice reminds me. I sigh, and slip from her grip. I throw my shirt over my head and open her door, but something catches my eye. I tiny piece of paper on the corner of her dresser. It's addressed to Ava. I see her stir a bit in her bed, which shakes me from my thoughts as I quickly sneak out of her apartment, As if I wasn't even there.
I drive back to my apartment with my head all over the place. She got under my skin and I can't get her out. It's fucking annoying for me to even admit this shit, cause she is a pain in my ass, but it's true. Even when I was at my lowest, I let her see me like that. I don't let anyone see me like that. Why is she somehow so special to my chest? This imaginary idea I have of another shot at something good is only going to lead me down another dark road filled will drinks, bright lights, and crashes. As I slam the front door closed, I hear my phone start to ring. Even though I don't give a shit about who it is, I pick it up whilst looking for any type of liquor I may have. "What?" I say harshly into the speaker of the phone, digging through the cupboards in the process.
"Zayn? Where did you go?" Kelsey says, obviously pissed off. I start to say something along the lines of 'like you give a shit anyways.' , but she cuts me off. "Ava is freaking out. She keeps mumbling things about you. What did you do to her?" I ignore the question.
"What is she saying?" I imagine what she looks like right now. Her soft hair pulled back into a long pony tail. Her blue pj shorts and large t-shirt. What are you doing? The voice says to me. You know that she will never replace me. You will always love me. You can't leave me. I won't let you. I am seriously getting annoyed at her now. She has already left me technically, so why is she forcing me to hold on to her so tightly?
"Umm, all I can make out is: 'I need to see him' " Kelsey shakes her devilish voice from within my ears. Not that her voice is devilish, it's just, she can be a bit of a beautiful nightmare sometimes. I sigh.
"Don't let her come over here. Not now." I sigh. I can't see her when I don't even know how to control my thoughts around her. I need to be able to tame myself if I have any chance of getting past this bump.
"Okay..." I hear Kelsey pause for a second. Even though she sounds disappointed, I know that she will respect my request. "Wait," She says, sounding a bit nervous."Ava? Shit, Zayn she's gone already. I didn't even know that she left." I let out a deep breath of frustration.
"Ughh. fine." I say and hang up without saying goodbye. The last thing I need is for her to come in here and yell at me for random shit that I don't care about. Within minutes, there is a knock at the door and I open it to find Ava standing there with red eyes and a quivering lip. I do feel bad, or, I would if I could. But what am I supposed to do about it? She thinks that she can just come in here and expect me to be different? No. I am broken, and I can't love. I won't risk hurting like that again.
"What the hell Zayn?" She walks past me into my apartment. She is dressed in a pair of blue and black plaid pasts and large sweatshirt. What would she look like in one of me sweat shirts? Shut up. Fine... but I can at least let my mind wander. No you can't. Shit... fine. "You think that you can kiss me like you did, then walk away? And then walk into MY apartment and try to reason with me about me mother. I mean how could you do that? Ad after all of that, I still comforted you."
"Hey, I did not ask you to do anything." I point my finger at her. I make a point, but so does she.
"And what was I supposed to do, huh? just let you lie there, screaming in absolute despair? No. I can't believe you right now. After all of this, you just leave me there, expecting to wake up with you beside me." Her voice trails off and her eye line lowers itself to the floor. It's my turn to speak. That's right, send her away. Rach-- her voice rings through my ears. I have no choice but to listen.
"Listen, you little brat. I never asked for you to do anything. In fact, you kissed me, not the other way around. So you can't blame anyone but your self for 'slutting it up' whenever you feel like it." I say, harshly to her. As much as this hurts me to say, it hurts more for her to be so close to me, yet so far from my reach. "Its not my fault either that your mom cared more about sticking needles in her arms than caring for you or your shit face of a dad." I say to her, getting close to her. Honestly, if this were a cartoon, she would have smoke coming out of her ears and flames in her eye. I smile at her, just to top it off. She launches herself to me, screaming and hitting and kicking. She gets me a few times in the face and legs before I grab her arms and push her against the surface of the bare brick wall in the apartment. I hear her gasp and she looks at me with absolute fear in her eyes. Her knees are bent, making me much taller than her and I have my hands in fists. She puts her hands over her face, though I can still see the fear behind her.
Wait, she thinks that I am going to... no. I would never hit a woman. I try to relax myself enough to not give my mask away, but it's hard considering that I still don't want to have to control my thoughts. Do it. Hit her. Rachel's voice rings through my ears, though I decide not to listen.
"Please." I say, keeping my arms up in defense. He looks angry, even though he initiated it all. How dare he bring up mum... I mean, mother again. I see him take a step towards me, lowering his hands in the process. "Don't touch me!" I yell at him and crawl from his grip. I escape from the enclosure of the brick wall and run to the door.
"No. Wait Ava, I didn't mean it." I feel a slight burn o my wrist and I look to find a scrape, dripping with blood. Zayn grabs my arm and stands between me and the door. "Just let me explain this all to you." He says, putting his hands up. I keep my distance from his and wait for him to start talking. "Shit, okay. Ahh. I don't know what to say." He runs his hands through his hair.
"Then let me go because I can't stay here if--"
"No, don't leave me." He says, cutting me off. He tends to do that a lot. And it annoys me.
"Zayn, you can't just bring up my mother like that and say such terrible things about my father." I say strictly.
"I know" he says softly.
"Zayn, you have no idea what I've been through. You can't tell me what she did and did not care about when I don't even know. And my father," I am started to get my irritation towards him back now. "My dad worked his ass off his entire life to keep us in a home. You have no clue what he put me through, so YOU can't complain to me when your parents were always there for you." I cross my arms in front of my chest.
"I barely saw my parents Ava." He starts. His voice is soft, and I can tell that like me, this is a touchy subject for him. "I have a Nanny most of my childhood. My mum and dad didn't even sit in the same room as us for anything but dinner time. And even then, we weren't allowed to talk, or else we would be punished." He shakes his head a bit and puts his hands over his ears now. What is he doing?
"Zayn?" I ask, bravely taking a step towards him.
"Don't. That's enough. You can go now. I can't.." He hesitates a bit and meets my gaze. "I can't have you around without losing control of my thoughts. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have to go through the game with the monster of pain." He opens the door and waits for me to step out.
"Zayn..." I say again, but this time with a different toe. One that is more of me begging to stay with him.
"Just go." He keeps his eye line at the floor. I start to walk out, but before I do, I say one last thing.
"Maybe you can't control your thoughts because you don't like the idea of letting the wall that keeps your pain in to break. Once you break the wall, you can be free." I end in a whisper, realizing that what I am saying is not only for him, but for myself too. Once I let go of everything she took from me, I can finally be free from the hurt he causes me. I hear his try to say something, but I just keep walking. He is right. It would only cause me pain to be with him. He was doing me a favor. He didn't want me to be treated the way that he treats every other girl in the area.
But I can't help but asking, why me?
Okay, so thank you so much for reading. I am sorry to say that I am slowing down on chapter ideas and plot line, but I will continue to try to update twice a week. DON'T WORRY!!
Anyways, so this was a bit of a lousy chapter, but I promise I will try to make the next one better.
As always, comments, constructive criticism is always appreciate and if you haven't liked this yet, please do as it helps me a lot.
OKay, so I will be in touch Saturday then.