Numb

What happens when you feel everything just go... numb? When you've passed the anger, the pain, and the suffering, and you just sort of sit there, staring blankly at a wall. You wonder what can bring you from this unbearable feeling. What makes it go away? When does it all stop? Ava Foster hasn't always had the best life. This is her life. This is her story.

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19. The Past of Demons

Zayn's P.O.V.

      You know how sometimes, the world around you can be so loud that you can't even hear yourself think? The busy streets of the city, people talking, birds chirping, pots clattering. All of it can be so consuming when you don't have those moments when all of it stops; when you can finally breathe, like right now. She is just so relaxed right now, and that in turn relaxes me. The corners of my lips lift into a smile and I admire the features on her delicate face. For the first time since the accident, I can't hear her screaming at me, or telling me everything that I am doing wrong. It is just Ava and I right now, and everything is so quiet. But not the uncomfortable quiet, the quiet that just makes you lean back and close your eyes and smile as you  just enjoy the silence for a bit. She sleeps in my arms, silently. There is no noise, for what I can hear, beyond Ava's bedroom door, and the equality of her breaths just sort of sweep me off into this alternate universe.

      I am not Zayn Malik: the bad boy who hurts people, uses girls and break hearts. I am not Zayn Malik: the guy who had a rough past and killed his girlfriend. I am not Zayn Mailk: the guy that everyone thinks they know. I am just Zayn Malik: A guy who is trying to figure it all out. And I think that she gets it. It's nice to know that she wants to know, though, about everything really. I didn't have that with Rachel because she didn't want to get involved in anything that could pull her from her sorority life. Ava understands that life is not perfection. She understands that not everyone will like her and that there are just going to be those people that she wants to rip apart sometimes... like me. Although, it's more complicated than that with us, because I hate her but I ... don't at the same time. It just sucks to think that she would rip out my guts if she knew about this whole thing. How, I am not breaking my rules, but going against everything that I have promised myself at the same time. On one side, I know that I won't care, but that is the side that I don't want to be. I know that she will be absolutely gutted if she finds out, and I know that, if I let it get far enough, then I will be too. I know that I may have to beg for her forgiveness if it means that I can still see her.

      I feel her take a deep breath in and I dip my head a bit to place a small peck on her cheek. She keeps her eyes closed as she smiles and I rub my nose against the soft surface of her face for a minute whilst she wakes up.

"Hi." I say, with a bit of a croak in my voice. Her green eyes meet mine and I smile a bit. What am I supposed to say to explain myself when she asks? Do I tell her that I saw her mom? No, because she will know that something is off.

"Hey." She whispers as she turns over and buries her face into my chest. The hand that was supporting her head now strokes through her soft, brown hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask, hoping that she will at least give me something to go off of.

"umm." She scrunches her nose a bit and thinks. I smile at her expression: it's cute.

"I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to." I add, nervously. I don't want her to force her to tell me this, whatever it is. "But, I want to know." I say quietly.

"I was just thinking about the last time that I saw my mum." She says and looks at the bed. I can tell that it was a sensitive topic because I had never really seen her this... unsure? of what she was saying.

"What happened that day?" I ask, perhaps a bit too harshly, but I soften it by stroking my thumb across her lips.

"I was just playing in my room, and I heard her calling me. It was the type of voice that she used when she wanted me to... give into her." She hesitated. "I hid from them... but they found me, and..." She went silent after that.

"It's okay." I say, placing my large hand over her small one. "What happened?" I asked, once more. She just looked at her body and then back to me. What is that supposed to mean?

"I...they... I mean, like..." She stuttered and then stopped once more. She sighed and stood up as she practically ran out of the room. What if they DID do something to her? I get of the soft grey covers and think about it for a second. When I was here, and she had her shirt, it was too dark for me to see anything both times. and plus, I only saw her back, but I couldn't notice anything. I walk out to the kitchen where she is pouring some hot water into their blue, ceramic teapot in the kitchen.

"So..." I saw awkwardly, I don't really know what to say.

"Can I ask you a question?" She turns quickly and her eyes meet mine.

"Yea, sure." I say.

"What happened with... her?" She gets quieter as she finishes the sentence and I tense. Do I trust her with this? I mean, she told me, sorta, what happened to her. The least I can do is try to tell her explain what happened. I sat at one of the bar stools and took a deep breath, trying to block the thoughts from my brain and just talk.

"We were at a party." I started, avoiding her gaze. "And I was driving home. We had both had a little too much. And we were fighting in the car on our way home." I squeeze my eyes shut as I remember the image perfectly.

"God dammit Zayn, why can't you stand up for me just one time. Why do you have to be such a baby?" She screamed at me. Alcohol, hot on our systems, a guy had hit on her and he was plastered; but I wasn't with her to pull her away and Kelsey pushed him off her just as I was walking into the room.

"Rachel, you can't blame me for not being there, it's not bad that I was talking with Liam for two minutes." I yelled back at her, slurring my words.

"Shut up. Liam is a prick."

"Just to you." I snap at her and she crosses her arms in front of her chest. 

"You know what, maybe if you'd been there, her wouldn't have even talked to me..."

"Oh my gosh Rachel, stop filling your head with what if's. Nothing happened! End of conversation!!!"

"No, not end of conversation. You need to be stronger. I refuse to be with a weak prick." She sneered in my face and pushed my arm.

"Don't do that Rachel. You are going to get us killed." I shove her off me, which obviously only enraged her more.

"What? Like this?" She said, pushing me harder.

"Stop it!." I said, getting in control of the wheel again.

"And this..." She pushed my arms quite firmly and my hand slid off the wheel, making it fiercely turn to the left, swerving the car side ways. "Zayn, what the fuck!" I heard her scream, just as I looked over to her and saw the lights though her window, fast approaching and the smashing into the side of the car, making us tumble.

      I think that that car rolled three or four times. I held onto her hand tight and brought her head to my chest. We both screamed as the car came to a stop on its' hood.

"Zayn." Ava called, bringing me back to reality. "You don't have to tell me the rest if you don't want to. I shook my head and continued.

      I violently kicked the door open and ran around to the other side. There was a cut above my left eye and I had to wipe the blood dripping from it every few seconds.

 

Ava's P.O.V.

" I couldn't get her out." He explained to me, though we never made ye contact. "She was screaming at me to get her out. But I wasn't strong enough. Dammit, I wasn't strong enough." He angrily ran his fists through his hair, pulling at the ends of it. His voice was weak, and broken. I watch this man in front of me as he explains the night that destroyed his life. "The next thing I know the car was in flames and I was being pulled away as I watched the car explode in front of my eyes and her screams filled my ears. And they still haunt me to this day." He looked up at me with tears in his eyes, looking so weak and helpless, and I just stood there like and idiot staring at him. "I loved her. And she left me. She was taken away from me and I was blamed by everyone." He sniffles and wipes his eyes. I stay silent. But I go around to the back of his chair and wrap my arms around my from behind. I press my ear to his back and I just listen to his heartbeat and stay silent as he cries for a bit.

"Ava... say something, please?" He says, grabbing my hands and bringing me around to the front of him. I stare into his eyes and think of the right thing to say to him, but there isn't anything that I can  say that will make it better for him. "Do you think it was my fault?" His bottom lip starts to quiver and my heart just breaks for him.

"No." I whisper and I press my forehead to his and run my fingers through his hair. "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault." I whisper once more and contemplate whether to kiss him or not, but decide on the second choice.

"Ava..." He starts, and I nod slightly. I don't really know what he wants to ask, but instead he gently leans his head in and kisses me lightly. His lips are soft, and the kiss is short and sweet, and after he just keeps his eyes closed and presses his forehead to mine once more.

      I don't know what to say to him that will make it better, so I just don't say anything at all. I stand there with him, and just hold him close as I let him feel for a moment. He needs some time  to just sit in the silence, to have a break from it all, and I don't know why I didn't understand that before. I didn't know how much he wanted everything around him to just stop, and before, the only way he knew how to do that was to be past out from excessive alcohol intake. Now, he is sober, and he just breathes, and he thinks of that night. Every so often, he opens his eyes and looks at me, only to close them and steal a kiss once more. I don't know why I allow this to happen,but I just sort of go with it because I know that he needs someone right now. I know that arguing with him or pushing him to tell me more isn't going to get us anywhere and quite frankly I am tired of screaming at him... for now. Right now, there isn't anything that I can say, but there is so much that I want to. And I think that, that will come in time.

 

Okay, so thank you so much for reading!!!

 I figured that it was about time that you guys found out what happened between Rachel and Zayn. Plus, I don't think that I could keep it in anymore either.

So like always, please like/ fav this movella.

Comments really help me as well to know what I can do better or what you guys want to see more of, so don't hesitate. I lave constructive criticism, but please, no hate.

This week, the big question I want you guys to answer is...

Do you think that Katy will find Ava?? and what do you think will happen between them?

 

Anyways, as always, its been a pleasure.

Until next week,

xoxo

-Amarra

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