I wake up with the light shining through my window in my bedroom. I have a massive headache and my mouth is really dry. I haven't been that drunk in a long time. I don't even remember what happened. I feel someone move beside me. Probably some slut that I took home last night to get my thoughts off Ava. Maybe it's Angela. My lips tingle for some reason. That is the only thing that I remember from last night; my lips tingling and my heart beating really fast. I feel someone small turning in my arms, but I still keep my eyes close. Wake up, you idiot, her voice rings through my ears. Tiny fingers trace the features of my face. It's relaxing.
"Zayn?" She asks. Wait... that isn't Ava. Shit, no. I snap my eyes open to look into her green ones. The sunlight from outside blinds me and I blink really fast to adjust to the light. Is she in my shirt? Why am I not wearing a shirt? Did we? No... we couldn't of.
"What are you doing here?" I ask her. The corners of her mouth, that were once turned perfectly into a smile, now turn down to a frown.
"Zayn, we're in my room." She states blankly, moving away from me in the bed. As much as every fiber of my body wants to pull her back, I let her get up. She sighs loudly and walks over to her dresser, taking out a shirt.
"How did I get here?" I ask, getting up from the bed myself. I fold the soft, grey covers back up to the pillow and walk around the bed towards her. She takes off her shirt and tosses it to me. I get a slight picture of her from last night in the same position. She throws on a navy blue t-shirt and turns around. "Ava." I repeat again, wanting the answer. When she just stands there, it makes me frustrated. "You know what? Whatever. I don't even know why I bother." I turn to leave, opening the white door to her room. I head through the living room, not even bothering to say a word to Kelsey who is sitting at one of the bar stools eating a bowl of cereal.
"You know Zayn, you can't just push this aside forever." Ava calls after me.
"Oh, this should be good." I hear Kelsey say with a smirk on her face. I send her a glare and focus my attention back on Ava.
"There isn't anything to push aside, Ava." I say, even though I am convincing myself of that. I know that I may think differently about her.
"Really? You really believe that? Come on Zayn. One day you have to let go of Rach--" That's it.
"Don't." I glare at her. She shouldn't even bring that up. She knows nothing about what happened.
"Woah, breakfast and a show." Kelsey smiles while taking another bite of cereal.
"Shut up Kelsey!" Ava and I both say at the same time.
"Zayn, I know that this is hard for you, but you have to move on."
"Shut the fuck up. Just shut up." I see more pictures of that night. The lights. The car. The glass. The argument. The explosion. I push the memories back, not wanting to see anything else. "Don't you dare say anything about her. You don't know anything." I ball my fist up at my sides and dig my nails into my palms, trying to reduce the growing pain in my chest.
"What? What more do I have to do Zayn?" She asks, stepping closer to me. Her voice grows more silent as she looks to the floor. I don't know what to say to her. I can't offer her anything. I just stay silent and stare at her, wondering if she will say anything else to further deepen my confusion. She throws her hands in the air and turns around. "Go. Just go. I don't know what else to tell you. I want to be with you, but obviously this is all for nothing." She rants on to herself as she walks around the kitchen.
I grab the metal door handle on the front door and twists it. My head is all over the place. I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore. Did she really just admit that to me? That she wanted to be with me. Or was it just the voices in my head masking what she was really saying. Why do I wish that maybe, she meant what she said? As I am walking out of the apartment, I hear her say one last thing. "I should've trusted my dad. He always told me that it was dangerous to love."
I rest my head in my hands. How could I let something like that slip from my mouth? I don't love him, but I definitely... Well, I don't really know what I think of him. He is so annoying, and he confuses the hell out of me, but there is just something about him. I know that it is cheesy, but I don't know how else to say it. I don't even know how to put it into words really. You know that feeling when you know that you like someone, but you also know that liking them could only bring you down? Like, there is no other way to describe it. I know that he will only hurt me, but I also know that he is the only person that I have ever met in my entire life that has made me feel differently about trusting others with my heart.
I think back to the last time that everything wasn't so complicated. Back home. I remember senior year. I used to make good money at Haplin's Bridge Cafe. It was well known for breakfasts by day, but at night it turns into an all man drinking competition. I remember the cook, Teddy. He always had an eye out for me and the other staff. We never knew who was going to come in and what was going to happen. Most of the money that I got came from tips. A lot of the guys that came to the bar were like my dad. They came every night to drink their pains away and then leave to go beat or argue with whoever was at home. I can't say that it was ideal, but it was better than all these complications. Ugh, I hate that word, complications. It just screams 'undecided'. A different 'undecided' than I am though. I just don't know what I want as a life outside of work yet, I know what I want in terms of everything else. That includes never seeing my mother again. I remember Dad worked all day at the bank and then went to the bar. He used to come home at 2 or 3 in the morning and then leave at 6:30. He was always so worried about what he'd done when he woke up in the morning. The worst was the anniversary.
I take out a piece of paper and start writing. To him. I should let him know that I am okay. There are so many things that I w\ant to say to him, but I know that I have to ease into it.
Hope that you're keeping well. I'm just checking in to let you know that I am settled in. I have an apartment in London. Its perfect; with brick walls and bookshelves and just the right furniture. My room mate, Kelsey, is so funny and she is my first real friend in a long time. I got a job too. At the local pub here. Don't worry, I am saving most of the money that I get. School is good. The philosophy course that I am in is... interesting to say the least.
My mind floats off to Zayn and all of the... interruptions that he has caused with his controversial opinions. Maggie always ends up having him read out his entries; and every time, he ends up getting death glares from half the people in the room. The other half just end up laughing their asses off.
I know that I left on a bad foot and we don't have the best relationship. But you should know that I could never thank you enough for everything that you've done for me. I know how hard you worked to support us, and even though there were some dark moments, I forgive you for them. I will see you at Christmas. I know this is quite short, but at least it is a start. I don't want to lose you too. Even though I don't say much, you are the only family I have.
I love you dad. You're daughter,
I fold the piece of paper up and put it in an envelope, close it, and write my return address on the front. I walk out of my room and down to the post box and drop the letter into the mailing slot. I think about my dad right now. I hope that when he reads this, he won't have so many regrets from the things that he has done. I can only hope that he understands that I am trying to forgive him and build a relationship.
I knew that he would walk away. The look on her face though. It was heartbreaking. Dammit Zayn. Doesn't he know that he has already got her wrapped around her finger. Whether she like it or not, I can see the way that she acts around him. She is so irritated that he keeps pushing her away, yet she tries so hard to pull him closer. I just wish that he didn't have to be drunk to forget about Rachel and except the fact that someone else is there to catch his heart. Ava wants to be there for him. She wants to trust him, to care for him, to love him... but he is ruining this last chance to be happy. I don't think that anyone else can change him the way that Ava has. And it frustrates him. He doesn't like the possibility that him and Rachel aren't as perfect as him and Ava.
I should probably talk to one of them. Either I tell Ava not to give up and put her at risk of getting absolutely destroyed by him. Or I talk to him and tell him to let down his guard. I run my hand through my wavy, blonde hair and stir the bowl of mushy cereal on the counter before me as I explore my options. I know that this isn't going to end well. But I also know that they should be together.
"Kels?" I hear from behind me. I turn in the bar stool to face Ava. She looks hesitant. "Do you know where he is?" I sigh, and nod.
"There is only one place he could be." I start.
Should I go back for her? Dammit, of course I shouldn't. I am at Rachel's grave, looking at the writing and the stone that I have memorized for the past year and a half. The air is cool and I inhale deeply, letting the freshness spread throughout my chest. I am so confused. Why me? Why do I have to be stuck in this situation. I know that I will never love anyone again, but I also know that the feelings that I have right now...well, I've never experienced them before.
Her blonde hair frames her face perfectly. I remember taking that picture. We were on a date in the park. She stepped in some dog poo that day and got upset. I smile at the memory. She was so angry because I was laughing at her, but I still though that she was adorable. I picked her up and put her on the branch of at tree before taking her black flat off of her foot. When it was clean, I slipped it back onto her foot and bowed as a joke to her, making her smile and giggle. I snapped a picture of her giggling. She tried to make me delete it because she thought that her smile was ugly, but I wouldn't have it.
I get up and dust off my pants again. It was getting dark, and pretty cold. I stand up and turn around to face Ava and my eyes go wide. I am surprised, but more angry. How did she get here?
"Zayn... this isn't what it looks like..." She starts, but I really don't care what she has to say at this point.
"Then what is it." I say in a harsh tone.
"I-I'm not here to spy on you." She quietly says.
"You shouldn't be here. This is our place, not yours." I go over to her and grab her wrist roughly, pulling her away from Rachel's grave.
"Zayn, please just listen to me." She tries to pull her hand from my grasp, even though it only makes me grip it tighter. "Zayn, stop pushing me away." She says.
"I don't need you Ava. You need to leave me alone. You're obsessed with me." I look to her face and see her eyes start to well up. I don't have time for this childish shit.
"I'm not obsessed with you." She defends herself. When I stay silent, she just say one more thing. "Dammit" She says and steps in front of me and goes on her tippy toes. She wraps her free arm around my neck and brings my lips to hers. I get a spark travel up my spine, and before I know what I am doing, I kiss her back. The tingly feeling from last night returns to my lips and I feel her fast heartbeat against my chest. 'What the fuck are you doing!' her voice brings me back to reality. I push Ava off me and she falls to the ground.
"What the fuck was that?" I snap at her, clenching my fists at my sides. She sighs and gets up. Shit. She sniffles and turns away from me. "Ava," I go back to grab her wrist, but she turns pulls it away before I get it. Fuck, my lips still tingle. Why do I do this to myself? Why does SHE do this to me?
"Zayn, why do you keep doing this to me? Huh? You are the one that shows up in my room last night and kisses me." I cut her off.
"I was drunk!"
"It doesn't matter if you were drunk or not. I let you stay. I wanted you to stay. Why is it that I keep giving you all of these chances and you don't take them? Zayn, please, you're killing me here. I know that you're hurting..."
"Don't start with that."
"I don't care. I know that you're hurting. But you have a chance here. We have a chance. Please. I know that I snap and bring up things that I shouldn't, but you do the same. I want to be there for you." She clasps her hands over her chest and I feel my chest tighten. Dammit. I want to say yes to her so badly, but I know what will happen if I do.
"I can't take that chance again." I say blankly.
"Yes, you can." I step away from her.
"Go." I hear her suck in a deep breath and sniffle again.
"What are you doing this?" She lets a tear fall from her right eye. I step towards her and softly wipe the tear from her cheek.
"I will only hurt you." I say. I lead her to the car beside mine. Kelsey's, I assume. I need to feel her lips one last time. I bend my head down and kiss her lips softly. Rachel screams at me to stop through my ears, but I don't. I put my hands on her waist when hers go around my neck. I feel my heart beat really fast as we continue to kiss. I don't know why I don't stop myself. I am so confused at this, but I don't want this to stop. I know that she won't stop me. I stick my tongue out a bit and touch her lips before she opens them. Her fingers tangle themselves in my hair and I feel a moan at the back of my throat, but I force it away. I pull her body closer to mine and I hear her softly moan, causing me to respond in the same way.
"Zayn...please" She whispers against my lips. Hers are now swollen and dark pink. I sigh and look behind her head at the grave stone. She can tell what I am going to say from the look in my eyes and she sighs too before stepping away from me. She turns around and opens her door. "I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be." She whispers, looking over her shoulder before she gets into the car.
I stand there is shock as I watch her drive away. I hang my head back in frustration and touch my lips, still feeling the tingle on them. What the hell am I supposed to do if I change my mind?
Okay, so I'm very sorry that I haven't been updating, but as you know, I have spent some time in hospital and on march break. I was told to get as much rest as possible, so that's what I've been doing.
How was your march break guys?
oh, and I hope you like the new chapter. trying something a bit new. I don't know. What do you think?
thank you guys for all of the support so far, it really means the world to me.