So this is what it feels like. To still have someone with you. She is so close, yet so far away. If I want anything here to end the way it should, I have to make some changes. She is annoying as hells, but she draws me to her, literally. My sketch book has been fulled with at least ten different sketches of her since this morning, after she left. It's kinda creepy, but I even drew one of her from when I saw her sleeping. I liked that one most. It was relaxed and for the first time since I met her, she looked like she had no wall around her. For the first time in a year and a half, I have had a completely silent afternoon. No voice, no drinks, no noise, just silence. And it was amazing. Granted, the entire time I was drawing Ava.
I think that I have to stop feeling bad for myself when I tell the truth to her. This is all so confusing to me. I don't understand how she pisses me off so much, but at the same time she changes something inside of me. I can't believe that I am admitting this right now, but it is all true. I would never say this to her. I respect myself too much. But I can't even control my mind around her. Somehow, I think of saying one thing and end up saying something completely different. Like, I never meant to tell her about my parents. Or, well, I wouldn't really count them as parents, but still. I never meant to tell her about Nanna or my sisters. I don't understand how 'it's none of your business, so stay out of my life.' can turn into that. She knows something about my past now. Well, more than just something. She knows part of my pain, and she knows more than enough about another part of it.
Rachel, she never understood how to completely care for me, when I was worried about something. After... the accident, had too much pain to even keep in, but I knew how to keep it in regardless because of the years that I had blocked it away from her. It was almost like, our entire relationship was based on something that she created. I was like her pet. She only rewarded me when I obeyed her orders. Yes, she made me feel loved, and I loved her with every fiber of my body, but she didn't accept the fact that not everything is perfect with me. She didn't want me talking about my parent's because she never wanted me to be sad. She always wanted me to be ready for whatever she wanted to do. I remember that one day...
"Zayn. Where are you?" Her sweet voice echoed from the main floor of my house. I know that tonight, my parent's would scold me for creating noise in this stupid picturesque mansion, but I didn't care. I rushed out of my bed and down the stairs. She gave me a big hug and wrapped her tiny arms around my body. Her blonde hair, perfectly styled into ringlets, cascaded its' way down to the middle of her back.
"Hi love." I whispered to her, placing a kiss on her cheek. My parent's were just in the other room and my sisters were upstairs.
"Um, make-up." She pointed to her cheek. I sighed and apologized. She didn't need make-up. She was too beautiful without it.
"Okay, so what are we doing today?" I ask her. I grabbed her hand and led me upstairs to my room, quietly closing the door behind us.
"Okay, well, you are going to come with me to get my nails done, and then we have a party to go to tonight." She says smiling, and clapping her hands a bit.
"Can we just stay in tonight?" I suggest to her. I try to go for a kiss, but she stops me.
"Unless, you want to be that loser couple that does nothing, than sure." She says, sarcastically. I remember how I loved her sarcasm. "No, we are going to the party. Now let's go." She said grabbing her keys off the dresser as she headed out my bedroom door. I quickly got changed before following her and slipping us both, silently out of the house.
I remember the rest of the day was sort of a blur. I blocked it all out from my head, not wanting to relive it. We went and got her nails done. She sat in the big chair and told me about things that were happening with people in the school. Not that I really cared, but I wrapped myself around every single word that left her mouth. The lady painted her nails a baby blue with a sparkly coat on her ring finger. I paid for her nails and we went and got some lunch. When we got home, we started getting ready for the...party. She wore her... black tight dress with a sweetheart neckline and inch-thick straps. I remember the fabric being really soft and smooth, though I couldn't remember the name of it for my life. I wore a black dress shirt and jeans. I styled my hair into it's usual quiff. The rest of it is blurry in my memories. We left for the party that night, unaware of what would happen to us six hours later. She didn't even get to say good-bye to anyone. The only thing I do remember in the parent's pulling up to the scene. I remember that it was the only time that my parents hugged me. They saw her lifeless body before me. They saw me have to say good-bye to her. They pulled up just as the cop was pulling me away.
"Are you sure you're okay to go to work?" I ask Ava. She shuffles around the apartment in a complete panic trying to get all of her things together.
"Yes, I'm fine. Don't worry about me." She says, throwing her shirt over her head. I see the faint outline of a bruise on her shoulder. What the hell happened?
"Ava. What the fuck is that?" I say going over to her. I lift her shirt only to have her swat me away.
"It's nothing." She says, looking away from me.
"That sure as hell is NOT just nothing! Did Zayn do this?" I ask, fearing her answer.
"No." He hesitates. "Well, sort of. We got into a bit of a fight at his place."
"That Isn't an excuse to flippin' hit you from behind!" I argue with her. I do make a point though. His anger gets way out of control. I just wish that I was there to stop it.
"He didn't hit me, the wall did okay? I egged him on though."
"Why are you def3ending him! He can't just do this to you Ava! I know that you have feelings for him--"
"I don't have feelings for him." She cuts me off.
"Okay, well regardless. You can't look past this." I try to make her realize what he is already doing to her judgement alone.
"I know I can't, and I didn't. I am going to stay away from him." She says. She sounds like she is trying to convince herself. "And besides, he left me this morning." She sounds sad now. Oh god..
"What happened last night?" I once again fear the answer.
"Nothing. He had a nightmare. We just slept in the same bed. It was n-no big deal." She stutters a bit. Oh.. his nightmares.
"Did he tell you about... that night?"
"No, he didn't. He said he didn't want to talk about it. But I want to know what happened Kels. Please tell me. You only told me a bear minimum. I want to help him." He clasps her hands in front of her chest as if she was begging. But this isn't for me to tell her. It's Zayn's story to tell, not mine.
"I can't tell you. I'm sorry." She sighs.
"It's okay. I didn't expect you to. Alright, I have to run. I will bring something back to eat when I am done okay? I will probably be in by about 11 or 11:30." She smiles.
"Okay, bye." I say as the door closes and the click of a lock is the only sound in the apartment is the only thing that I can hear for a few moments.
Charlie's P.O.V. (Ava's dad)
"Look Katy, You can't do this to her. You have ruined her entire life and you haven't even been here." I yell at the destroyed woman before me. The woman that I bring myself to love. The woman that brings so much unconditional pain to my life, and my daughters.
"Oh, just forget about that little rat. She loves me, and she knows it." She crosses her skinny arms. Her face is sickly pale and her eyes have sunken in. It's the first time that I've seen her in years, and I cannot believe how much she has changed. She is the same woman on the inside, but the appearance that masks her old one is something that I never could've imagined.
"No. She doesn't actually. She doesn't want to see you, and you cannot take this from her. Catherine." I defend my daughter. My little girl that I love so dearly, yet I feel so much guilt towards. I have done unforgivable things to her, and yet I don't understand how she forgives me. I will protect her with my life, and I will not let this monster take anything more from her.
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