The white, gritty ceiling of my apartment has been the focus point of my vision for the past couple hours. Or, for today really. I'm not really sure how the day passed me so fast. I guess I just lay here, started to think, and then one thing led to another. And now, I am out of thoughts, and I just sit here staring blankly at this ceiling, as if I am somehow hoping that it will answer my questions. All of them, and that I will get the answers that I need; either that or the strength to move on. I don't necessarily understand why this is so hard for me, I mean, we weren't even together. But to me, I really felt like we could've been. I think that if he just trusted me, and if I trusted him, then maybe... I don't know. I just think that him and I would be really good together.
I sigh and get up from my bed to go to the bathroom. I stare at my reflection in the mirror and listen to what the voice in my head has to say. Although I don't know who's voice it matches to, I know that I have a very complicated relationship with her. 'You do know, that he will never love you, right?' I nod, thinking, wishing, hoping that someone will hear me. I know deep inside my heart that he will never love me. 'You are still stupid if you think that the people you love won't hurt you.' My eyes widen and I remember that day. The day when it was proven to me, or at least the day when I truly believed that love did not exist.
"Ava" Mommy's sweet voice called from the living room. I knew too well than to answer. She was just going to be mean again. She would just make daddy be mean to me again; so I would have to stay home for some days and wear cover-up clothes when I get back to school. "AVALIEGH!" She yells at me. She scares me when she does it and I jump, but daddy says it's only because she had a tough day at work. I don't believe him though.
I get scared and run to my closet with my teddy and hide in the back corner, just like daddy taught me too. I hear a loud BANG coming from my bedroom door and I let out a little whimper. I look through the crack in my door and see daddy, standing with mommy with a big bottle in his hand. He looks over to the closet and opens the door really fast. I look up at them, and see monsters; the ones that come out of my closet at night and make me hide under my covers. The ones that give me scary dreams and wake me up crying. The ones with scary, dark green eyes, greedy smiles and sharp finger nails. The ones that cut me and hit me and make me scream. The ones that are standing in front of me.
I know what is coming next.
I feel a tear on my right cheek and I lift my hand up to wipe it away as I attempt to push the horrific memory to the back of my head once more. Her voice continues to haunt me everyday, and I think that the memory of that day will always effect me. Because of the scars that they left me with, internally and externally. Because they forever made me afraid to undress in the girls change room so that the other girls didn't have to see my scars. No one knew. No one will ever know. Zayn would've know, if he could've seen me.
I now close my eyes, take off my top in front of the mirror, and take a deep breath before exhaling and looking at the visible scars from just under my bra to the top of my pant line. They are finger nail scars. The thing that hurt the second worst.The scar tissue is lighter than my skin colour and stripes my body with memories from a night that will forever be plastered to my brain. I turn around, and see the same scars covering my back. Like a tiger had taken its claws and run them over my skin ten times. I remember the when it happened. I remember screaming and crying and begging them to stop.
"Why should we?" Mommy yelled, slapping my open cuts. I screamed again.
"Because you love me Mommy." I say, helplessly. My voice is squeeky from crying so much.
"Oh Charlie, isn't that sweet?" She clasps her hands over her heart. "She still thinks that there is such thing as love." She laughs.
"Letsshow her--- what t-t-to rrrreeallllyyy thinnnk" Daddy says, in a funny voice.
My vision blurs, and I shake the thoughts from my head, trying to some how shake them out of my brain, though my perception of that night only appeared more clearly to me. I put my top back on, and just sink to the tile floor, wrapping my arms around my legs and drowning myself in tears, as my sobbs take away every pain that my monsters have ever caused me.
I worry about how this may happen. I mean, the last time I saw her, I was sending her away from me. I was telling her to leave me alone, for good because I knew that even attempting to be with her could breed my eternal misery twice as fast as it was already being distributed amongst all who crossed my path. I take a deep breath a lift my fist to knock on her apartment door, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. I sigh and press my ear to the door instead. I hear soft whimpers, sniffles, and cries come from beyond there. So this is what Kelsey has to face every time she comes to my aid. Should I go and comfort her? Yes, my immediate conscious adds, even though Rachel's voice tries to convince me otherwise through my thoughts. I decide to try the door nob instead. The handle is cool, and the metal that I turn, and then push, freely lets me into the neat apartment.
I look around and my eyes set on the bedroom. I step lightly through her door, only to find a mess of sheets, but no Ava. I then hear a sniffle from the bathroom and I carefully push the door open to find those pretty green eyes blood shot and wet with tears, huddled in a pile on the floor. I immediately rush to her side and kneel beside her, taking her in my arms and onto my lap.
"Zayn?" He whimpers. I grip my arms around her a bit tighter and and press my lips to her temple. I feel one of her tears fall upon my arm. All I want to do is stop her tears. Something in my chest tightens when I see her this way, it makes me worry for her.
"What's wrong?" I whisper to her. I feel her start to shake in my arms and I rock a bit and nudge my nose against her. "Ava." I say against her forehead. "I can't help me if you don't tell me what's wrong." I tilt her head up to mine. She looks so helpless right now. Lip quivering, bright green eyes, glistening with tears. She sniffles and gets up from my lap. "Ava." I repeat, this time a bit more sternly.
"I think that I just need to sleep." She says quietly.
"O-okay." I say. "Do you w-want me to s-stay?" I stutter to her. Her eyes meet mine and I look at her bed. She gives me a slight nod. "Okay." I smile and walk over to her, engulfing her into a hug. "You should get changed. You will be too hot in those clothes." I say, gesturing to her long sleeve shirt and sweat pants. She gives me a slight 'okay' and turns to the corner.
"Zayn, can you turn away please?" She asks me.
"Ava, I have seen plenty of girls--"
"Please." She restates. I hesitate.
"Okay." I sigh and dig my face into a pillow whist she changes and gets into one side of the bed. She is faced away from me, but when I get into the other side and pull her small frame towards me, she relaxes and lets out a deep breath, as do I.
"Zayn, why are you here?" She asks the question that I've been dreading to hear.
"Don't worry about me. I will be here when you wake up. So, sleep, okay?" I tilt her head to mine and kiss her nose before relaxing onto the pillow again. I'm not really sure what I'm doing. But for some reason, I am using this deal to keep her safe and get closer to her, without breaking my rules. I won't fall in love with her. This is just a little, tension reliever, until I can be with Rachel again.
I brush a free strand of hair from Ava's face and look at her for a bit. I smile as her lips part slightly and the tears on her cheeks dry up, leaving nothing but an innocent angel before me. She is mine to have my way with. To win this bet. It's really the only way that everyone wins.
Okay, so I am back from the hospital for now. The doctors still haven't found out what is wrong with me yet, so I am still very weak and ill, but I am trying to update as much as I can for you guys in case I have to go back in for more tests. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified of the possibilities that there could be. Of the outcomes.
Anyways, please Like/fav/comment/ and become a fan
it honestly really motivates me to write.
Also, I had an idea for a new post. It was sort of an essay before, but I turned it into a short story.
It's about the reality of Pornography in our society. So let me know if you guys would like to check it out. I actually really like the peice. Anyways, until next time,
"True strength is smiling when you want to cry, laughing to hide the pain, and going on, no matter what."