I have to check on him. Just because we aren't friends anymore doesn't mean that I don't care for him. He is hurting so much from everything that we've been through.But he won't open up to anyone. I pull my hood over my head and shove my hands in my pockets. Even before it happened, he didn't like the idea of trusting others. It took 8 years of being best friends to finally find out everything about him. I wish I could change it but I can't. After...that, he changed his whole life. Shut every one who loved him out and transformed into a stranger. I get to the door of his flat and knock loudly on the door. After no response, I press her ear to the door and listen to the slightly muffled sobs coming from the other side.
"Zayn?" I say, loud enough for him to hear as I knock again.
"Kels?" I hear him get up and sniffle before opening the door. I look at the destroyed man before me. His cheeks, glistening with hears, eyes, bloodshot as the smell of strong alcohol fills my nostrils. "What are you doing here?" He asks, trying to get 'back into character'. I don't buy any of it though. He needs me no matter what he says. I step forward towards him and hug him tightly. I hear him drag a deep breath in, trying to be strong.
"Just stop trying to ignore it all. Please. Just let it go for five minutes." I whisper against him and I feel him give up. He breaks down, right then and there, balling into my shoulder and hugging me by my waist tightly. His knees go weak, and I try to hold him up. I rub his back and bring him into his apartment, sitting him down on the couch. "Shh." I whisper to him, trying to calm him down.
"She's gone Kels. She isn't coming back." He weeps as he clings to me. My heart breaks for him. I don't know what to tell him. He loved her and she died. He blames himself. Before I know it, he sniffles a bit and brings his arms back to his sides. he lies down on the couch and looks up to me, sorrow in his eyes. I lay beside him, facing him as he hugs me tight until he falls asleep.
"it's going to be okay." I say and wipe a strand of hair from his face.
"NO!" I am awoken by loud cried. I see Zayn beside me, lashing around as I am pushed from the couch to the ground. "Don't go! I can save you!" he yells from the hollows of his slumber.
"Zayn!" I say as he wakes, shaking and stunned. His t-shirt, drenched with sweat, he looks to me with tear-filled eyes. Only a moment later, they darken and his face turns stiff.
"Go." He says harshly, standing up and grabbing me by the wrist.
"Zayn, you can't ignore this forever." I say to him.
"You didn't see anything tonight. Understand?" He says as opens the door and pushes me through it.
"Wait! Just let me say one thing!" I ask, putting my hands up in defense.
"What?" He asks, replying harshly as the vein in his neck pulses with angry blood.
"I know you're angry about what happened, but just because you're hurting doesn't mean that I'm not as well." I pause. "Rach--"
"Don't" He says, putting his hand up. "I don't want to hear it Kels. Go home." He says before shutting the door in my face. I don't know how to tell him that he needs to learn to love again eventually. Someone will heal his wounds. Maybe not completely, but they will make his life worth living after her. I reach into my pocket and check my phone. It's 4:23 a.m. I sigh and lazily walk back to the apartment. As soon as I get there, I go straight to my room, change, and get back into bed.
The next two weeks pass quickly. I put most of my time into either working or hanging out with Kelsey. I know it's not what you picture the main uni kid doing, but what else am I supposed to do? Go out every night to hook up with a new guy and get drunk out of my mind? No. I don't engage in that kind of stupidity. Kelsey had been great so far. I mean we are becoming great friends, I just don't know if I can trust her fully yet. I know I have already told her most of my back story, but of course I was going to leave some things out until I could trust her. I am not just going to flaunt my hideous past to every person I meet. That's not how I roll.
Last night, she opened up to me about her best friend, well, ex-best friend. She said that he lives in the neighborhood, so she didn't want to mention names, but she told me the story of him, her, and this girl named Rachel. I don't even know how else to describe how much my heart ached for this man. His past must haunt him everyday, just like mine does. Even though I don't know him, I can tell that he is a very strong man, to be able to get through that, and still be going. Almost like a dream. Like he could help me through things, if he was there for me. I don't know. It's something about the way that Kelsey describes him. How, he has a little hint of something... dangerous about him, yet on the inside, he knows how to love a woman with all his heart. I want to meet him. Geez Ava look. Now you've gone fantasizing. The small voice in my head says. Get your head out of the clouds. Don't you know that when ever you trust someone with your heart, you only get hurt? The voice is right. You can trust any man with your feelings. As Frenchy says in Grease: "The only man a woman can depend on is her daddy." and that is 100% true.
There is just something about him that makes my heart...flutter.
Classes start tomorrow. I have to take a first year Philosophy course to make up for the science course I failed last semester. A freshman course. Geez, the only thing that will be good for is to find new hook ups. The old ones are getting...well, old. They want s more than just 'sex'. They want a relationship with feelings and all that shit.
I can't give it to any of them though. I can't because I don't 'love' anymore. This idea that everyone gets about love is so stupid. Thinking that you will find 'the one' and nothing will stop you from growing old together and living out your lives in happiness, regardless of your past. It's not in the cards for me. I wanted that with...her and I will never be able to haveit because she is the only person I will every love.