You open your window and look up to the sky, you wish to look at the lights above Arby’s but you can’t see them. There is only the void and the glowcloud-BOW DOWN MORTALS!
Welcome, dear listener, to Night Vale.
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The sheriff's secret police today raided an innocent looking store on main street housing dangerous amounts of wheat and wheat-by products after a tip off came from the Apache Tracker. In truth... They turned out to be false. Can you believe this guy? What an asshole!
Old woman Josie has, today, been seen wandering the streets calling the Angels. Residents are reminded yet again that the Angels do not exist and should not be approached. As we all know mayor Pamela Windschill keeps reminding us; “ANGELS DO NOT EXIST, THEY ONLY TELL LIES.” Then she began pounding her fists on the floor as podium had in fact been destroyed and reduced to splinters last week during her last meeting which no one attended. That was at the City Council's ‘What the hell should we do about the people in the Dog Park’ conference. Which as I said, no one attended, well no media at least. Here is intern Steph, look. How did we get coverage when no one was there? Oh, someone was? Oh, okay. Thank you Steph. And goodbye, er Steph? Steph? To the parents of Steph, er, I can’t really tell, but er, she looks pretty dead.
I don’t know if you’ve heard but the second round of Eternal Scouts will be incubated today; and if you had family who went to watch it is expected they will return home today! George Bablona and Sier Richardson will be taking the massive and highly important leap from fear scout to that one peaceful title: eternal scout. Same rules apply, like last time the ceremony will take place behind the Ralph’s, no specific time given, and if you attend. Well if you attend you should tell your family ‘you’re going on holiday, and you don’t know where to and when you’ll be back’ then you should kindly grip his or her shoulder and walk out crying and waving.
Oh, do you know who I saw today? Walking around without a care in the world? Meghan Wallaby. You know, the girl who was a man’s hand and then the man from Nulogorsk gave his body to her. What a nice ending. Well Meghan seems to be doing great in these early stages of physiotherapy! I hope it goes well Meghan, well done for getting a body Meghan.
I don’t know if you can hear them, dear listeners, but the street cleaners are a few days or so away and once again the city council has left for Seattle, who recently won the Super Bowl. They told the radio station that “this was planned way before we knew about the street cleaners” and that “their arrival is so sudden”. They handed Night Vale over to-Steve Carlsberg, that jerk? I don’t know why Steve Carlsberg was chosen to run Night Vale; do you know who he is? What a jerk!
On a more exciting note: Carlos and I are going on our second date tonight, oh I can’t wait. We are going to go to Arby’s, again and eat Bleeding Mushrooms, mm-mm. The light above Arby’s are particularly bright tonight-oh wait, I’m sorry, they will be very bright tonight. It’s a good omen, Night Vale. Oh, I just can’t wait. Carlos, the scientist; perfect Carlos, with his perfect hair.
I have just been given a letter from Station Management which says: ‘Cecil, if you don’t shut up about your boyfriend you will be sent in to the city council for re-education.’ Oh dear, night vale; not re-education. I guess I’ll have to report the news, but maybe I’ll tell you more about how it went yesterday.
I got a text from Dana, and a missed call-I know; I keep missing her calls and I just don’t understand why! The text simply says: ‘I think I can see Night Vale.’ and then the voice mail, oh this is so exciting. ‘Cecil? Cecil? Can you hear me? You see I have arrived in Night Vale, but it is totally deserted and I can’t find anyone anywhere. Where should I go Cecil? Oh wait, what’s that? Erm, bye Cecil.’
And now a word from our sponsors, todays program is brought to you by Netflix. Watch any movie you want and get sucked in, literally sucked in to the movie! Where will you end up?
The mayoral elections will be taking place soon, do you know who you will be voting for? Hiram McDaniels or The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home? Of course, because of the elections coming up both parties have been given some air time.
“Hi, I’m Hiram McDaniels, literally a five headed dragon an’ I’m here ta say: Vote fer me, Night Vale. The faceless old woman who secretly lives in yer home is, well faceless so she can’ talk, can she now? -All the pain you will endure, we will kill your children!- Sorry, the black and white head started actin’ up again. Anyway, vote for Hiram McDaniels, literally a five headed dragon!”
“Hello, I am the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, and I’m here to ask your your vote. I’d just like to say, you need to tidy your room and get rid of all the excess food, and be quick about it to. I caught to rats today and it took a long time, I mean if you don’t vote for me, I could invite rats in. Of course, I’d never do that, that is something Hiram McDaniels would do. The traitor that has been trying to get rid of our invisible corn market, can you really trust a man with that many heads? Vote for me, or never see your favorite kitchen table again.”
Now, it’s time for the traffic report. The decision to change all road signs to men holding flags and creating semaphores has been abolished. Which is a shame as the flag colours were really nice, I am going to miss them. Now, all road signs will be written in Svitzick, which is even better! All though all the traffic lights have been taken down for their annual bulb replacement.
It is said that Terry the barber has returned to Night Vale, he has spent several months wondering the sand wastes, trimming the prickles on cactus’s. What an asshole! Yes, this is the Terry who sheered off perfect Carlos perfect locks; ridding our small town of our only joy. Yes, that Terry the barber.
And now let’s go to the weather:
Night Vale, have you begun to feel pain? If you have you should seek medical assistance immediately! A new pain epidemic is sweeping through Night Vale and it is not good. Do not spread the disease, see a doctor.
Welcome to Night Vale is not our idea or works and many of the idea's inside this books are not ours either. They are the works of common place books and Welcome to Night Vale is a podcast we urge you to listen to.
Today's weather was Poison by Carrie Hope Fletcher, if you would like to feature any music in any upcoming chapters please comment bellow (PLEASE DO!!!!).
Today's proverb: When a window closes, a door opens, revealing another door that, when opened, reveals another door that, when opened, reveals another d-.