Dear father.

When your father is so messed up, but you cant tell him, so you find comfort on the internet. This is a short story of my life.

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1. Dear Father.~

Notice how i use the word father, instead of dad? Dad is more personal, showing how comfortable you are with your relatives. I never knew how to be comfortable around you.

You messed up my mind. Well not only my mind, but everyone in this house. You made this a mad living hell. The way you made everyone feel like shit, made you feel so good. You are a sick and twisted person filled with anger. How can you just sit there and feel so good about yourself, when all you do is harm?

You have 4 wonderful children who is doing very well, not mentally of course because you made sure, we didnt get the best of both worlds. Everything seemed so good on the outside. We had a car, we had the cutest dog, you had a loving wife, and 4 kids who had succes in everything.

But behind the closed doors, and when the sun went down, your inner devil rised. You screamed, you threw stuff, you destroyed not only our things, but you destroyed our faith and strength.

How can you look yourself in the mirror every fucking morning, knowing how many lifes you've ruined. We are mentally bruised. Im scared of love, because you were never able to show me what love was.

You never showed me love and affection towards my mother. Hell you never even showed that you cared. If you call "Buying things we like" caring, then i hope you will rethink your life.

No money can ever make up for the damage you caused. I had just turned 16 years old, when i one night woke up to mom screaming.

I went downstairs, and saw her black eye. I was disgusted with you. You werent worth a piece of shit, and for a moment i would've thrown your ass in jail. The evidence were there. I didnt do it, because mom was worth more than your sorry ass.

Without you, we would've been on the streets. Sometimes i would love that, so we didnt have to live in this hell.  

You ruined mom, you ruined our fucking mom who was our rock. She was trying to stay strong for us, but all you did was harm. Her medication didnt help anymore, she needed stronger pills to be able to live.

You trashtalk her all the time, never thinking that she was the woman who brought 4 kids to this world. You own kids. Show some goddamn respect for the woman who carried kids for 36 months in her stomach, and even more but had some of them aborted.

You never showed her respect, not even when you wanted to get into her pants. You crossed her limit over and over, by doing all the things that would make her feel dirty. You know she was sexually abused as a kid, but you had the fucking balls to do unacceptable things to her.

Not only her. What about my dear littlebrother who worked his ass off to satisfy you. He chased your dream. You wanted him to become a footballplayer, never thinking twice about it.

You never understood football, so everytime he didnt do exactly like you said, you would lay a hand on him. You would scream at him, telling how much you hated him, and how much of a shit he was. You. Made. My. Fucking. Brother. Suicidal.

I had to hear him cry for hours, because one punch wasnt enough. I could never calm him down, and i heard him say several times, that he wanted to end his life.

You had no respect for anyone. My bigbrother? Well, i thought you had respect from him, seeing how he has become a great and young man. You always took him for granted, because he was so helpfull. He was always there to help, and would dare to say no. You used him, knowing how he would always do as told. Dont you dare to ever misuse him again, when he has shown you nothing but respect.

Thank god you never did any huge harm to my youngest brother. But me? Oh how you fucked me up. You kept telling me i wasnt good enough, i would never be able to fit in. I looked so stupid, and my clothes were trash. You told me i had a bad attitude, and that my personality was a problem.

Then you did something so wrong and i cant forgive you for that. You commented on my weight, saying i should start losing weight. Me being the good girl i was, started losing weight. Thinking it will go faster if i skipped some meals. So i did it. I lost 10 kilos. I was proud, and you and mom never had a clue.

I was good a hidding it. i went from 56 kilos to 46. I was sick. i realised that i was sick, once summerbreak arrived. We got visitors, who started cooking for us. They started noticing how little i ate, and i was scared. So i started gaining. I hit 53 kilos again, i was proud.

I managed to get healthy again. You told me i should start working out, because i was gaining. It happened three times. Everytime i was at 53 kilos, you would tell me to lose some weight. You never knew it. You just did it, because you never thought about the damage. You played my mind. I wanted to be perfect, i really did. But i cant. Not when you are in my life.

I dont want you in my life.I wish you werent here. Please leave our life so we can start recovering.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I havent read it, and i dont feel like doing it tbh. Its a really hard thing for me to talk about. Please dont be too judgemental. I can answer questions, if you have any. 

-Anonymous. xx

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