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6. How do I look like?

"Sorry!" was the first thing Niall said on the Sunday. "I know I screwed up!" 
I smiled and put my laptop on my desk. 
"It's okay!" 
He cleared his throat lightly. 
"The problem is that I meant every word I said to you." 
I paused and looked at the computer for a while. 
"You mean what?" 
Niall cleared his throat lightly. 
"You mean more to me than you can imagine and I'm so afraid of losing you." 
I smiled and leaned back in his chair. 
"You will not lose me!" 
He seemed still uncertain. 
"It's not easy to gets friends and it's not easy to meet girls."
I didn't believed on him. 
"You are charming so I think you can get anyone you want?" 
He seemed unsure of the answer. 
"Well, I might have easy to meet girls, but I want my girlfriend to loves me for me." 
I asked directly if he had a problem. 
"But you know of course if she does?" 
Niall disagreed. 
"There are girls who only want one thing, there are girls who think you're supposed to rescue them and there are girls who don't see me for who I am. It's not easy Lilly!"
I almost got annoyed with him. 
"Come on, I'm a girl without boyfriend so what's the difference between us?" 
Niall seemed to understand why I was angry. 
"I didn't mean it that way!" he said, and seemed unsure. "I meant just that .." 
He paused, and seemed not to know what he would say. I wondered if this was the end, but at the same time I knew we were interdependent.

 

I don't know how long he was quiet or what I did during that time. There was only silence, and right as it was he sounded almost as if he was crying. 
"I just want you to know that I care!" 
I smiled weakly. 
"I know you care?" 
He seemed totally down. 
"Lilly, please can we meet?" 
I didn't want that because I knew how he would react. He would look at me once and then just give it all up. I wasn't ugly, but I belong to those who were unsure of myself.
"Maybe I'm ugly?" he got out. I laughed quietly and shook my head. 
"No, because your a guy and you have the advantage to always look good. We girls don't just look at the body and you guys want girls ..." 
Right as it was, I saw that he wanted us to start the camera. 
"No!" I said. "I refuse!" 
Niall sighed again and he didn't sound happy. 
"So you don't wanna know what I look like?" 
I swallowed and actually I didn't. I had a picture of him in my head and I didn't want to ruin that image. 
"Not today!" 
He sighed again. 
"When?" 
I panicked. 
"When I'm ready!"
"Okay!" he replied tired. "Let me know when you are ready!" 
I swallowed and heard the irony in his voice. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I had the confidence to show how I looked like. Still, I was too cowardly. I knew I looked unremarkable and I was anything else but a model.

 

"Mom?" I asked my own mom (of course) when I came downstairs in the kitchen. "I've met a guy online and he wants to skype with me and know what I look like." 
She laughed. 
"Is he a pedophile?" 
I sighed and shook my head. 
"He's twenty years old and I've heard his voice for weeks. He wants us to show what we look like, but I don't dare." 
Mom paused and looked at me. 
"Then you're not ready?" 
I swallowed. 
"He's mad for it." 
She smiled weakly. 
"Does he really want you he will wait."

 

I kept myself from the net a few days. I wanted to get the distance to Niall and I wanted to feel what I wanted.

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