"Want to do something today?" Emily proposed while we sat on her red couch that I have become more and more fond of. The smell of cigarettes wasn't as strong as it usually was, which made her apartment much more warmer and cozier than it did before.
"Aren't we doing something right now?" I asked. I was enjoying myself on her couch with her sitting next to me. She was so close, her shoulder was touching my arm and her hand was resting on my knee. I was beyond comfortable and if doing something meant moving from our current position, I was one-hundred-percent against it.
"Yes, but I meant going out and doing something. We always do the same thing every day."
"What do you have in mind? I never thought of us as the type of people who go out and do things on a whim or by impulse." Immediately, I remembered the time we burned flowers together, but that was something totally different and... oddly fun.
"Um, I don't know? Hanging out isn't really my forte. Last time I hung out with other people, I was smoking and invisible to them."
"You know, that's really depressing."
"Yeah, my life is sort of like that. Please, can we leave and go out?" I was surprised by the look she gave and the plea in her voice- it was something I've never heard.
Emily was trying so hard to be nice and compassionate, and I was the mountain she had to climb in the process. She's been acting this way for a week now and I was already somewhat used to it- I was used to her being less critical and teasing. The change in her personality came so spontaneously to me, I should still be struggling to comprehend everything. So when she said those words that way, it tugged at something in me and I couldn't do anything but give in to her simple request.
"Of course, we can."
I didn't budge from my position and neither did Emily. Even after I succumbed to her, she still sat next to me with her hand on my knee. If anything, she shifted slightly so she could rest her head on my shoulder. That little act caused me to react majorly as I had this really nice feeling take over me. I had so many urges, but I kept myself together and let the feeling subside. She started to hum and with the faintest smell of berries being overwhelmed by tobacco, I think I fell for this girl harder than I could have thought or imagined. It didn't make sense, but neither did Emily at the moment.
"Wanna know a cool song?" Emily asked me out of the blue. Apparently going out was forgotten or pushed aside, and I was pretty thrilled about it.
"Yes, I do."
About a minute passed and Emily never told me a song that was cool. She was just quiet and I was quiet and her apartment was quiet, except for the refrigerator and the AC running. Unaware of the action, I wrapped my arm around Emily. She didn't move or hesitate, but hummed as a response. I have never heard her hum before, but I found myself relaxing more and more to the sound; it was calming and I liked it.
"Niall?" Emily asked, breaking the silence. For a second, I thought she was going to tell me the song.
"You're very comfortable."
"Do you want to get up?"
"No." I quickly answered.
"Good, because I don't want to go somewhere anymore."
Silence came again and it wasn't uncomfortable. Actually, it was starting to become boring because we weren't doing anything. We were just sitting and I would have said something if I could have thought of something to say to Emily. Soon, I looked at Emily and found myself staring at her for no reason at all. She picked up the hem of my shirt with her index finger and thumb, and started to play with it before she sighed.
"Is this weird?"
"Like us and hanging out. Do you ever find it weird?" She looked up at me now, anticipating an answer I didn't have at the moment. Why would I find us hanging out weird? It's not weird. I love spending time with her.
"No, not at all."
"Really? All you do is follow me around and talk to me. Some of the time, if not half of the time, I am smoking. You like this? This is abnormal."
"How's it abnormal?"
"People don't sit inside all day besides leaving to smoke with each other. It's not productive and nothing is accomplished."
"What do you want to accomplish?"
"I don't know? Nothing, but what I'm trying to say is that I think we need to change up our routine."
"We have a routine?"
Emily has never scared me before. Okay, I take that back, she hasn't scared me like she did at the moment. The way she was talking was weird. I wasn't to used to it. She never cares about anything, let alone routines. She never cared about being abnormal despite her concern about making sure I knew she was. Now all of a sudden, she cares and has some insecurity.
"Yes, we do. Maybe we should go out."
"And do what? You once said this is a deadbeat town."
"It is, but doesn't mean we can't make the most of it."
"Are you okay?"
"Of course I'm okay. Why would you ask that?" Emily shifted herself so she was looking me dead in the eyes. I could feel how defensive she was being just by the look she was giving me.
"Because you have been acting different lately."
"Oh, and that's bad?" I swear, I was starting to feel like she was going to rip my head off at any moment and gouge my eyes out, but she was so freaking calm.
"Well, no, but I... It's sort of weird? I mean, I'm not used to you acting this way. I thought you didn't care about anything."
"No, I don't care about anything. I've just realized that I care about someone and... I don't want to be an ass anymore because as different as we are, we're kind of similar." She wasn't looking at me anymore and adverted her eyes to the floor rather quickly. I could tell she was biting the inside of her cheek because of how hollow is was looking.
"You already said you care about me, and thank you, but you don't have to do stuff you don't want to just to please me. I'm happy with the way you are."
"Yeah, but... You don't understand." She was starting to get frustrated because she huffed and moved away from me. She crossed her arms and bit her lip, still staring at the freaking floor.
"Okay, I really don't understand. But you know what? If you wanna go out, then we'll go out."
"No, I don't want to go out."
"But you just told me about our routine and us being abnormal."
"I just don't want to talk about this. I'm sorry."
Emily stood to her feet in one swift motion, and started to walk away. This time, I got up and followed her.
"Emily, please don't walk away. I'm sorry."
"No, you're not supposed to apologize to me!" She yelled, or more like screamed at me from three feet away. I was taken back by it, and stood there in shock.
"You didn't do anything, okay? There's no fucking reason for you to apologize. Stop being so damn... damn... damn perfect! You're freaking amazing. That's the problem. That's always been the problem and it always will be. I just... I am trying really hard but I don't know how or what I'm doing and it's scary and I... Fuck, just forget it."
Emily pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and let it go. She groaned, yelled, "Fuck this shit," and then stormed down the hallway and slammed her door shut. I didn't understand a single word or thing that happened, but I wasn't going to give up and let it all go so easily. I feel like I've been acting like a stupid person lately because I think so much instead of figuring things out. I walked to her room- which I've never been in or have seen- and knocked on the door two times. I waited for a reply, but didn't receive anything.
"Emily, you can't keep shutting me out every time there's a problem. Talk to me. You said I'm the problem, so... should I go? You've done this before and... I am willing to give you space, but I'm not going anywhere. I can't and you have to understand that. So, um, please come out?"
I shouldn't have asked, but I ended up rambling and not knowing what the hell I was saying. I was confused and it was obvious. I'm always confused, even if I didn't show it this past week. Nothing ever makes and nothing will ever make sense. It's a fact of life, or my life, but I love it. Not everything needs answers. Emily is a big example of that, but just this once I need an answer. I need to know and will not be satisfied with just anything that seems sufficient. She's full of mysteries- some yet to be determined- and all I ask is for one solved mystery. I probably do this all the time, but I feel like this one is more important than wondering why she smells like berries, mint, and cigarette smoke all the time.
"Niall, if I told you, than you wouldn't want to talk to me anymore." Emily finally spoke from the other side of the door."
"Bullshit, I always want to talk to you."
Immediately, Emily's door opened and relieved her with a blank face and a glint in her eyes. Slowly, she smiled.
"I like it when you curse. Are you mad?"
"What, no. I'm... uh, I guess I'm frustrated. I care about you more than you can imagine and I just really like you and want to know everything there is to know about-" I quickly stopped and felt a heat wave crash on me, engulfing me in this burning sensation. Embarrassment is something I'll never get used to.
"Really?" She asked, sounding a bit hopeful.
"Of, um, course. Yes."
"Great, then understand that I will never be able to tell you this because I can't."
"I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. That was totally out of line."
My eyebrows furrowed and my confusion was definitely showing. Emily doesn't apologize for yelling at people. And, she just magically changed the subject.
"It's fine. Why won't you talk to me?"
"Because Niall. I don't want to keep going back and forth with you."
"Stop being so... sincere about this. Talk to me. Why are you acting so weird? Why do you not want to talk to me? What the hell is going on, Emily? I normally like being confused and lost when it comes to you, but I can't handle it right now."
"Apologizing doesn't make it better; it doesn't make it disappear like you want it to."
"Maybe I don't want to talk to you about this because its personal and I'm afraid! Okay, are you fucking happy? I'm not an open book. I'm a closed one who enjoys being superglued shut, but was somehow pried open about you. You won't be able to know everything about me, so deal with it. You're welcome and good bye, Niall."
Emily was about to slam her door shut in my face, but I stopped her by catching the door. She glared at me, but I ignored her. I walked in her room and sat on her bed. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to think of an appropriate apology for pushing her. Yes, I was guilty I made her unintentionally pissed off at me. That was something I never wanted to do.
"You're right. I can't know everything about about you and I know that. I... just find it hard to accept. I wish you were more open because you have close to a million mysteries and counting. There's some I want to know more than others and some I don't mind keeping unknown. Honestly, this week has been totally weird and confusing, and I'm just admitting it. So I apologize for being a jerk and pushing you. You said you didn't want to talk and I should have respected that just like how I respect your mysteries. I'm a patient guy, but I lost it this time. The need overpowered me."
I hadn't noticed Emily sit beside me until I finished speaking and found myself staring at her as I waited for a response.
"Shit happens all the time. I know I've been acting.. different. I have only been doing it because... Have you ever suddenly realized you have something amazing after a while? You have a lot of feelings come up that you didn't know you were holding in until then. It's sort of like a gloomy day suddenly became sunny. That happened to me."
"Y-yeah, that's happened before."
"I just want to make sure I don't lose it because for once in my life, I'm happy and am not in pain anymore."
"Is that why you asked me questions about pain?"
"Okay, well what is that you've found or realized you have?"
Emily didn't answer me. Instead she turned her head and grinned. It looked like a stupid, goofy smile and I didn't care of she answered me or not. I smiled with her because she told me she was happy. She said she wasn't in any pain.
"I'm sorry for... everything that happened that led us to this moment."
"Don't because I'm really happy and I love seeing you smile like this." I accidentally added the last part and felt my cheeks heat up, causing Emily to giggle at me.
"Life can be a real bitch, huh?" Emily asked.
"You're telling me." I scoffed.
"That's the song that is cool. You said you wanted to know."
"Can we listen to it?"
"Duh, that's probably the greatest song ever."
"That's your opinion."
"Don't you agree?"