I'm Sorry That I Loved You

Louis and Harry have always been close, Harry's youth persuading him that it's only brotherly love but over a painful period of time, he recognises how mistaken he was, he realises that he's sorry for everything that has happened. ~This is Larry Stylinson so sorry if you don't like it but...~

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5. Chapter 4

Two days later Harry was waking up into a new day without Louis, Harry was hurting as he sat on the bed cradling his legs, digging his nails into his legs repeating the same phrase “he never came, he lied to me”. The voices were becoming much more frequent, all of them being Louis, he even finds himself talking to nothing. Harry hadn't read anymore of what Lou had written he thought that if he didn't feel so guilty then he wouldn't hurt himself. Wrong. Harry had at this point wrecked his arms and wrists, he's wearing baggier clothing, not eating, he had become a recluse in his own home, in his own body. Finding the strength to pull the book out from underneath the bed, Harry continued to read.

Harry,
Today three things happened, the first being I met Kendal today. And that hurt me,
I know we're in the USA but fucking hell, how to make your best friend feel like shit, I know ill show him my girlfriend even though he's in love with me!....
I'm sorry I know you didn't know but its so frustrating!!
We had our first extreme argument, you called El a slut I mean come on Haz that's mighty low coming from you, my girlfriend is not, just because I took her virginity doesn't make her a slut Harry get it fucking right! She wasn't even there to defend herself because she's back home in England.
I know we made up in the next hour but do you not want me to be happy? You break my heart and then tell me basically that my girlfriends shit.
The third thing was obviously having to go home, I went first, hugging each of the lads and when I hugged you I just sobbed when especially when they closed the door of the plane, you looked pretty damn distraught as well, but I can fly a thousand oceans but nothing compares to what we have, all the laughs and everything, I always think about you wherever I am and wherever you are. How can I feel happy with El I'm torn Harry, torn in two, I hope someday we'll be together however I'm not counting on it.
I love you
Louis xxx

Harry's face was shocked but how can he release his anger? Smash the room up? He's Already done that. Hurt himself? He's not in the bathroom, no bandages in the bedroom surely someone would notice. Music?? That might work... Harry softly picked up the guitar and read through the letters of Louis' that he'd already read, scanning them for lyrics, imagining his he would feel and what he would say if he were in Louis' situation, but also thinking about how he is feeling now, hours had passed, missing another meal with another excuse, but Harry had completed the perfect song. Staring and replaying his masterpiece Harry smiled, Louis would be proud. The undying love for his best friend was growing stronger than ever, how unpredictable the human heart can be ey'? Harry remembered the first note in the book how it mentioned the laptop and conversations with Louis, smiling at the thought of seeing him, Harry took out the laptop and plugged it in, when his phone vibrated. 10 messages and 42 missed calls, all missed calls were off Kendall, 9 messages were off her, the last one breaking his heart 'were over.' not thinking anything could be worse than that message he opened the 10th, it was off Jo
From: Jo- I can't believe you never told me harry... I'm not mad at you, I'm worried sick, I'm not your mother I know that too but I'm not sure how to feel, I don't know if I even want to see you or if I want to hug you and tell you it'll be okay but all I know is you need to be strong for him. This is all ill probably say, I have a funeral to plan... bye harry x

What to feel with such a text? Well harry didn't know. He just threw his phone to the wall as the screen smashed into segments, he looked towards the laptop to see a picture of himself and Louis on the couch together, Harry remembered that day vividly: Lou had made breakfast and Harry had gone to buy some films, they sat all day and all night laughing along to the comedies, Harry knew he loved Louis, but he didn't know in what way, there was always a girl in his life so therefore it got brushed under his emotions, it was nothing serious, just a crush, but at the time he didn't know a crush may have saved his Louis.
Around the picture was little video folders each labelled differently, Harry scrolled over the one that said 'what to wear' as he clicked on it, Louis face appeared on the scream and Harry burst into tears, crying hysterically.

"Shhhh babyface don't cry" Harry heard the video say, it was like he was really there, Louis really knew Harry that well? As harry stopped Louis on the video smiled,
"now I timed that well yeah?? Good cause they all start like that,"

Harry chuckled at the idiocy that was on the screen, laughing along with Louis' poor sense of humour. As harry sat there talking to the computer screen he must have sounded delusional but he didn't care. The video was over before harry realised and as he'd gone passed crying, Harry. just sat there and slammed the computer screen shut, the mood swings were terrible lately experiencing anger, denial and depression all at once, Harry knew deep in his broken soul that he was never going to not be 'depressed' but the anger had to come out. Screaming loudly until his voice cracked Harry swore repetitively “YOU FUCKING LEFT ME YOU TWAT”, pacing around his bedroom harry threw the his fist towards the mirror and watched the glass shatter around him, as footsteps ran down the hallway Liam and Zayn were crashing on the door “Haz open the door, please...” they finally mumbled and after what seemed like eternity the Door slowly unlocked as Harry stood there trembling, fearing himself, biting his lip to mask the pain from his hand behind his back, shards of glass burying their way through. Zayn looked at the pain in his eyes and pulled him in to hug him before knocking a shard of glass as Harry yelped in pain. Liam carefully pulled his band mates hand out to the front and stared aimlessly at the destruction, before quickly going to get some medical equipment.
"Zayn, I wrote something, I wrote a farewell song, but we wouldn't suit it..." Harry said honestly as he pulled the tatty pieces of paper out from his back pocket, Zayn stared and smiled weakly ,
"I could see if Mikey, Ash, Luke and Cal will sing it??" he said taking the papers gently from his hands as Harry nodded, mouthing thank you as Liam took him into the bathroom to clean up Harry's fist. Thanking Liam, Harry returned back to seclusion and began to read Louis notes again, flicking through 5 pages to one slightly further on in the book

Dear Harold
I'm scared, I've gone beyond the point of eating now, I keep vomiting, my wrists look like a sketchbook of a 2 year old and I don't sleep, I just sit and wait for the morning. I had to miss a concert today... I didn't want to do that but I felt physically too week, thank you for saying I had the flu I appreciate it, but what I loved more was when you came home and made me soup, I felt so guilty that I had to throw it down the sink, but your face was worth it when you thought I'd ate it, I was just trying to make you happy too. What have I done to myself Haz? What have I become? All I want is to love somebody who loves me back but I'm beginning to realise that El isn't solving any of my problems, the only person I love is you Harry. Of corse ill stay with her, I need to, hopefully I'll realise that she and I may work...
Louis xxx

Harry,
You stayed with me today, all day, and throughout the concert you were there, I should have known at some point you would have seen the bandages, how I convinced you that it was nothing bad I'm not entirely sure but as long as I never have to see you cry like that again.
Louis xxxx

You Dick!
On stage today you brought your little Kendal up on stage?! are you trying to fucking kill me??? It sucked!!! Obviously my feelings aren't getting across to you, you've forgotten about me so much since her, how can I get it in your head that I HATE HER! Not like that will make a difference my opinion doesn't matter when it comes to your relationships. I was thinking today, thinking how much I wouldn't be missed if I just vanished, you probably wouldn't even notice if I'm honest....I thought I was a special part of your life too?? What happened....
Lou :( x

Harry's blood boiled as his lungs constricted not allowing him to breath properly, attempting to stop and calm down he figured he'd continue reading, Louis always finds something right to say even if he caused the something bad... right?

Harry,
You made my day today!!!!! You & I, you said you loved it, that it was truly amazing, my heart was fluttering Harry, maybe you do like me and the feelings had finally got to you and you realised that... oh I'm blabbering on never mind, thank you Hazza
I love you
LouLou xxx

I hate you Harry
How could you knock me down like that, I told you today that I loved you, why couldn't you say it back????? YOU LAUGHED AT ME!!! And oh to top of the 'lets make Louis feel like shit day' you showed me the god damn song you wrote for her.... Jesus Harry how blind are you.
Louis

Harry curled up into a ball and forced the tears out of his stinging eyes, after harming his etched skin once more at how terrible he made Louis feel, quietly he turned  on the television to the nearest music channel when a familiar voice caught Harry's attention.

Lights go down and
The night is calling to me yeah
I hear voices singing out in the streets and I know,

Harry quickly shut down the television thinking that it was mocking him and shut his eyes, praying that Louis wouldn't hate him and mock him in his dream.

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