“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I say to my best friend as we walk down the hallway toward the office.
“Abbi, listen, you're my best friend and I can't stand to see you like this. You barely eat, you almost never sleep, and you're constantly crying.”
“I know” It’s been almost a month since the cops told me that Justin was found dead in his room. They told me that he was holding a picture of him and me. They also found a note written to me beside his bed. “It’s just... I can’t believe he did this. And the fact that I’m the only one he wrote a note to.” I shake my head. “ I just want him back.”
“I know this is hard for you Abbi, and I know that you want him back. But that’s not possible. Although; on the other hand, you working through this is.”
I know she’s right but it doesn't feel like it. When we turn the corner we pass my locker. “I need to get something.” I say as I kneel down.
“Okay, just make it quick.” When I get it open I already know what I'm looking for and right where it is. I look at the inside of the door. It’s the note Justin’s friend gave me the day I got back from vacation, the night Justin killed himself. I didn't have time to read it that night and after the cops told me what happened... I couldn't bring myself to read it. I also have the note the cops gave me in my backpack, I haven't read that one either. I hear Nikki cough and remember that I’m not alone. I quickly grab the note and my favorite picture of us that I taped to the door the first day of school. I stand up and expect to see Nikki waiting for me; but she already started walking away. I shut my locker, put the lock back on and run to catch up with her.
“Hey! Why didn't you wait for me?” I say catching my breath.
“Because I didn't want to see you cry; and I'm sorry Abbi but if you think keeping all that crap about him in your locker is helping, your wrong.” She says with a straight face.
I can tell shes mad but, it’s not like it’s my fault that I miss him. “Listen, I know it may not be helping, but I miss him. A lot! I’m sorry”
“No Abbi, I’m sorry for yelling at you. You need support and all I’m doing is yelling. I’m sorry” She says as we reach the office.
“It’s okay, I understand. I could probably be trying harder anyway. Thanks for your support Nikki.” I say hugging her.
“It’s okay. But Abbi, I think you should talk to her by your self. Text me later and tell me how it goes okay?”
“You know I will” We both laugh “I’ll see you later!”
I walk through the hallway to Mrs.Oliver's office. I pause. Should I really do this? I know I should, but I don’t know if I can. When I finally open the door, she looks up at me, smiles and says, “Good Afternoon Abigail. You're right on time. Take a seat.” I sit in the chair across from her desk. “So I heard that you've been having some problems lately. What's been going on?”
I look at her; she looks so happy that I came to her. I can tell she wants me to be happy, but I don’t think that that’s possible anymore. I can’t believe that I’m about to do this.
“Do you watch the news?” I don't know how else to bring this up. She says, “Yeah all the time, why?”
“Do you remember the news story from about a month ago. It was about a 17 year old boy. He was a student here last year.”
“Yeah. Justin Black right? It was so sad. They said he was holding a picture of him and his girlfriend. They never did say why he did it though. Was he a good friend of yours?”
“Sorta. We got engaged right before he” I pause; I will not cry; I will not cry; I will not cry... “Died”
“Oh honey, I'm so sorry! If you don't mind me asking, Were you the one he wrote the note too?”
“Yeah. Thats the reason I came to you. I haven't read it yet. I don’t wanna be alone when I read it.” I pause and take a deep breath. “Can you read it with me?”
“Of course, I can sweetie but just so you know I don't have to read it.” I nod my head. As I start to unfold the note, I stop remembering that its true;
That he’s dead;
That he’s not coming back.
* * * *
The next thing I know I’m laying in my bed. I sit up and realize that I’ve been crying. I don’t even know who that guy was. Why didn’t I want to read the notes? Who was Nikki and why was she so concerned about me?
I look over at the clock; 6:00 am. I moved to Kentucky last week and I’m just now starting school. I miss home so much!
I get up and head to the shower. After I got dressed, I stand in front of my full length mirror. I curled my hair and put on makeup. I'm wearing dark blue skinny jeans, a black tank top and my favorite light blue jacket with some tan boots. I go outside to check the weather. It’s October 14th, back home I would be freezing, but here I’m burning up. I go back inside and change into some cut off, knee length shorts and some pink flip flops.
My mom said she would give me a ride this morning, but I'd have to ride the bus home. I refuse to ride the bus, and she knows it. She just said that I’d have to get a ride from someone at school. Hmm, guess she doesn't realize how hard it is to make friends on the first day at a new school.