‘Will you marry me?’
The words every girl wants to hear. The words said to change a life. The words sometimes used in anger, other times in love or romance. The words that lead to an eternity with ‘The One’
What is The One? Is it the one person you love more than yourself? Is it the person you will grow old with? Is it the person you fight least with? Is it the first person you love? Is it someone you actually like?
‘Will you marry me?’
The words I really never wanted to hear. I do not believe in The One. I do not believe in marriage. It’s just some party where people promise to be together forever, which in most cases ends to be a total lie. The guests get drunk and go home. You lose your friends because you have to stay home with the kids and you never speak to your husband because as it turns out you actually don’t like each other very much.
Then it occurs to me. Harry is kidding. This kid has a weird sense of humour. He has to be joking. He cannot be serious about marrying the ‘father killer’. And I am sick even if it is not schizophrenia it is something else. Something I will be locked up for. So he has to be joking, there is no possible way he is serious about this.
I start to laugh, like really hard because in a sick way this can be funny. Right? Or maybe it’s just the situation that I find funny, either way I am in bed with Harry almost pissing myself with laughter. My stomach hurts so badly.
But not as bad as the hurt on his face. Oh shit, he was serious.
“You are serious?” I whisper.
He just nods.
“Oh” I bring my eyebrows down in a frown.
“So?” he questions.
He wants an answer? Even after my laughing fit?
“No Harry I will not marry you”
“Oh” He shifts away slightly.
“Its not that I don’t like you, because I do. It’s just that I don’t want to marry you or anyone ever”
“Yah ever, it’s silly.”
“Well experience, my parents married turns out my dad was gay and they fought about it all the time. Theo’s husband left her for some teenage slut. I had a friend in high school her name was Jessica. Her parents ended things because her dad spent all their money on drugs.”
“Vera I am not gay, I hate drugs and I will never leave you for some other slut.” Harry assures.
“I wont marry you Harry.”
“But how can you be so sure?”
“I guess I can’t, but for me this is what I want. For my whole life I have always done what everyone else wanted well except the whole father situation and I want to do what I want from now on. Isn’t the tattoo enough? Like I am pretty sure it’s permanant”
“I guess” he shrugs.
I put my hand on his chin and force him to look me in the eye. Of course being him he averts his eyes everywhere else.
“Look at me you shit” He looks.
“Good, don’t be upset. Look if I don’t get locked up tomorrow I guess we can talk about it alright?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die, now can you please just drop the marriage thing for now?”
“Happily” Harry smiles.
I huff and roll into him.
“Good night Vera”
Nervously I rush my shower. Which thinking about it now I probably should have used the time to relax. I just can’t, if I get put away I have no idea how long it will be before I see Harry again. After last night and his proposal I couldn’t sleep. I feel like if he were to ask again I would say yes without even thinking. I just want to see him smile all the time. He is sitting on the bed waiting for me but he is on the other side looking out the window. The fabric of his suit clings to his back in the best way. His head and shoulders slump. I close the bathroom door to finish getting ready.
She had said no. Part of me is glad, I am not at all ready for marriage. But when I am I do know that it will be for Vera. Can’t she see that I just want to be tied to her every way I can? Maybe I should get her pregnant. I shake the thought from my head. I don’t want to lose her. No matter how she tries to make me pissed with her or act like she couldn’t care less doesn’t change the way I feel about her. If she gets to keep her freedom will she come to London with me? I smile. Of course she will. She has nowhere else to go. No friends, no family. Just me. I like it that way I have the control. She will have to depend on me instead of being this independent force. I cant wait to see her more vulnerable. I hope the other girls like her. I hope that like me they can see past her well past and learn to know Vera. The real Vera, the Vera that says fuck in every sentence. The Vera that will defend me to the death. The Vera that burns chocolate cake. The Vera that gets so lost in reading you can almost see what is happening by her facial expressions. The Vera whose face does a thing whenever she thinks of something to write.
The Vera I love.
I hear the bathroom door open and I know she is there. No words escape from her mouth and then she closes the door again.
If she goes away, will I be able to forget? Will I be able to move on? Will I be able to function like a half normal person without her?
I don’t care what the outcome of today is, either way one day Vera and me will be together.