I hadn't done anything since yesterday morning. I haven't eaten anything. I just want to sleep forever; in an endless dream where I can see Aiden again and we can finally be happy. There were so many times where we would just argue for hours on end and I would be lying on the floor, curled up in a ball, crying. Then he would sit down with me and just hug me until the next morning. We would sleep on top of each other and cuddle up to keep us warm.
And the fact that all that would be gone forever just broke my heart. I knew he was never coming back but I just didn't want to believe it. He was my sunshine. My light at the end of a tunnel. My reason to get up in the morning. And now that he's dead, what should I get up for? I mean, no one really cared for me except for Aiden so, what's the point anymore? I don't even know. I'd probably relapse in about a day or so, so fuck it. I don't have anybody looking over my shoulder except for those shithead doctors and nurses.
And Ashton. Oh. Well. That could be a problem.
He wasn't in the room at the time so I could cry as much and as loud as I wanted without being disturbed. Not that it mattered if I was being disturbed. But it would be much nicer if I wasnt. And just then, I heard the door creep open and Ashton's hair slightly popping in. He walked in and was carrying a box of dark chocolates and a small teddy bear with plaid patches everywhere. He put the chocolates on the bed-side table to my left and placed the teddy bear gently beside me. He smiled.
"I asked the nurses if I could go get you something to cheer you up. They said I could only go to the shop downstairs though. I hope that's okay." He flashed a grin which showed two dimples. It was the first time I had ever seen them. He never smiled that big. And to think that cheering me up would make him smile like that - wow. He came and sat on the brink of my bed and stared at me with hopeful eyes. So I smiled. He nodded at me and stepped back to his own bed. I breathed in sharply, and exhaled through my mouth. I smelt something. A slightly sweet smell. It was a very familiar scent. It smelt like a cologne of some sort. Then I reached for the teddy bear that Ashton had just given me. I inhaled. The smell was coming from the bear.
"Uh," I held the bear on my lap. "Ashton?"
He turned to face me. "Yeah?" He replied with his eyebrows raised in curiosity.
"Uhm. Did you put any - uh - cologne, onto the bear?" I muttered, holding the bear's arms.
He smiled. "Yeah. I did. It's the one that you told me about. The one that Aiden wore I think? Well, that's what you told me."
I froze. I never told him about that? At least that's what I remember. "I, I don't think I told you about that?"
"What? I'm sure you did! On the second night, you told me pretty much everything about Aiden. Like, his birthday, how he acted. And even what cologne he wore! Well I guess you wouldn't have remembered. You were really sleepy. You were practically half asleep when you told me all those things." He laughed.
"Oh. Uhm okay then." My nose started stinging a bit. It was the sting you feel when you're about to cry really hard. My eyes went glossy, like the skin of a porcelain doll. Then I felt something cold run down my right cheek. Yeah. Ashton inched closer to me. He was sort of crouching next to my bed while he reached up to my cheek and wiped the tear away with his thumb. I pushed his had away from me but instead he put it onto my waist. I squirmed around for awhile while he kept his hand there. I never liked anyone touching me. Especially if I barely know them. Then, Ashton's expression suddenly changed as a reaction to my movements.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Well, I still don't but I just thought it was okay! Ugh, shit. I'm sorry." His hands instantly moved away, and up into the air, beside his head, as if surrendering. He started moving towards his bed, like he was retreating to his base.
"Just, just, just stop. I just need you to stop talking. Okay?" I interrupted him as his legs hit the side of his bed.
"I, uh, um, okay." He stammered while dropping down to his bed.
I held the bear tighter in my arms. Taking a whiff of the teddy's scent with each breath I took.
"Sorry." He breathed out.
"Don't be. I haven't told you anything about that, so don't." I said in a monotone voice.
"Um. If you don't mind me asking," He scratched the corner of his lips. "What, exactly, happened?"
"Not right now. Maybe ask me in a few days. I just, really need to calm down. Sorry." I looked at him to show that that sorry was genuine, and sincere.
"No, no, it's fine. I just wanted to know, so then, I know what not to do next time around." His lips curled up for a second, but then drooped back down in his relaxed state.
After around 14:26 we hadn't spoken a word to each other until the next day.
So I held the bear for most of the day. He comforted me. I also named him. I bet you know what I named him. It's pretty obvious. I named him Aiden! So original of me, I know. But it does smell like him, so I guess it fits.