If it Makes you feel Alive
I woke up around ten o'clock in the morning. I was exhausted from all the packing I did last night. I packed literally every piece of clothing I had. All my accessories. After all, I was gonna be there for the entire summer. Why? No reason. Just to get away from our families. There were only three of us, but it doesn't really matter. Just that we are tired of all this and need to see something different.
I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. After I had gotten a shower, done my make up, I had to choose what to wear.
This meant that I had to open all five suitcases to find everything I was looking for. Then, I had to refold everything, well it didn't look as good as it did before.
I finally found all the pieces I was looking for and quickly put them on.
I had short jean shorts, a Rolling Stones tee, tucked into my pants. A car buckle belt went through the loops, I had my brown hair in a French Braid, just to keep it out of my face. I had black Converses on, and Pearl earrings in.
I gave myself a satisfied look and began to transport all my stuff downstairs. I zipped up the suitcases, and carried them all downstairs.
With the help of Frank, in a matter of ten minutes, all my stuff was in the vehicle, ready to go.
I went up to my room, just to see if I forgot to get anything. Climbing the staircase, my mother called, "are you almost ready to go?" I replied with a short "yeah", and entered my room.
There wasn't much in here, my tiny closet was closed shut, my bed made, my dresser drawers close to empty, my carpeted floor clear, and my desk was neat with all the crap I never used.
I turned towards my piano, on top of the keys, was my backpack, with all my money, my phone charger, and a bunch if other stuff I needed, like my license and passport.
That could have been bad. I took it, letting they keys push themselves up.
Slinging it on my back, a went to the kitchen. My mum was sitting at the table, next to her, sat Frank. They were eating toast with jam.
I went to the cupboard and got some Special K and milk out of the ice box.
Twenty minutes later, after saying goodbye, my mother and I were in the car, driving down the driveway.
About an hour and a half later, driving and talking and eating, my mother and I decided to stop at a small diner called Jen's.
After ordering out food, we had small talk, about anything really. But it was boring. My mother didn't know how to have a conversation. So I just sat and nodded at everything she was saying. Our food came and we sat in silence. After we had finished and my mother went to pay, I searched for the bathroom. After I relieved my self or whatever, I washed my hands, and looked at myself in the mirror.
I wasn't really pretty. But my friends were always telling me I was. My brown hair was never perfect. My eyes were a dark blue. My friends either had icy blue eyes, or grey, or chocolate brown. But mine were a dark blue. I was tan, but I was always outside, my friends were all sort of girly. But I guess I am too.
I'm skinny, but I don't look anorexic. I'm not attractive, I guess. No guy ever looks at me like that.
We left and a half an hour later, as we were at a stop light, about a minute away from our hotel, my mum turned to me.
"So," she started, turning the radio down to a quiet noise, she continued. "About this trip." I glanced at her. "I know you thought your friends were going, but they aren't." She told me.
I looked at her, my eyes widening as I realized what she had just said.
"What?" I asked her.
"They aren't going. Just you" she said.
"What? So I'm going by myself. To be lonely the entire summer?!" I rose my voice a bit.
"Honey. I'd love to tell you what is going on, but I can't." Her voice was gentle. Trying to persuade me to calm down.
"What do you mean you can't tell me?" I stared at her as the light turned green and she sped up. "You're going to send your only child into a place I have never been before? And what if I get kidnapped? Or Lost? Or raped?"
"Ashlee. I can't tell you, I swore! And it is hard for me to send one of my children into a strange place," her voice was rising but before she could say anymore, I cut her of.
"One? Of your children?" I asked, my face most likely looking surprised.
"Damnit." was all she said as she pulled into a parking space.
I was angry before, but now it was just confused. I have a sibling? Or two? We walked into the hotel in silence. After we checked in and looked at our room, I looked at my mother, "I'm gonna go take a walk." I mumbled. She watched me as I walked out of the room.
So I am going to Los Angeles, to travel the state of California all by myself. This aught to be fun.
I plugged my earphones in as I walked down a street. The traffic a few roads away was busy and all I heard was horns and yelling. The music started. I found a small coffee shop on a corner and went in and sat down.
I have siblings. I wonder how many. Boys or girls. I wonder if they know about me. For some reason, I only thought there was one. A boy or a girl.
I ordered a frozen hot chocolate from a waitress and right after she left, five boys came into the shop. There wasn't very many people in here, just me and an old man reading a newspaper. It was peaceful. The boys had sunglasses on, and hoods up. It was kind of hot so i don't know how why they were wearing hoodies.
I watched as they all sat dow at a booth and one pulled up a chair up at the end. None of them paid me any attention. Just spoke to each other and laughed. They took their hoods off and removed their sunglasses as a waiter made his way toward them. He took their orders and went to the counter, dropping off the boys' orders, then brought me my drink.
My attention went from the boys to my sibling. My headphones drowned out all the noise. I sipped my drink and thought about what was going to happen...when I was alone... Lost.
I jumped as my phone began to ring, interrupting Miss Me by Andy Grammar.
"Hello?" I answered it, taking out the headphones and waiting for a reply.
"Honey! Where are you?" My mothers voice rang true.
"At a coffee shop, why?" I asked her.
"You need to come back. It's dangerous. You don't know what could be out there." She sounded weird.
"And sending me," I was upset. "by myself," I added, "into a country I've never been to, isn't dangerous?" Nor that I was scared or anything.
I heard her sigh offer the line. "I'm not worried about that. I just want to spend some time with you before you leave." She said quietly.
"Alright." I said and hung up. I put my headphones into my backpack and got up. I paid for my drink at the counter and walked out. The five boys across the room didn't even look up at me. See, I told you I wasn't hot.
I made my way to the hotel as I hummed a bit.
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The next morning, at 3 am, I woke up, took a shower, decided to French Braid my hair again, put the same outfit on as yesterday, and woke my mum up. She looked so tired. She had dark bags under her eyes, but within ten minutes, she was beautiful and ready to go. It's amazing what make up can do.
My mother and I entered the air port at 3:44 am. I had to be checked in by four, my flight didn't actually leave till 5, which meant we would be in the air at 5:30 am. Unless there was a delay. Then, all I would know is that I would have been here way too long.
After I went through all the crapload of security, it was then almost four thirty. There was barely anyone here, just a few people waiting for the same flight as I was and they were all old people.
After I said goodbye to my mother, I went to the other side of security where my mother wasn't allowed to go.
I waved as I slung my backpack onto my shoulder and walked away. All my bags were back somewhere, ready to board the plane.
I bought some snacks and a bottle of Arizona Green Tea, and made my way to sit down at my boarding dock.
So from here on out, I'd be lonely. What the hell was I doing...
A crowd of people passed by, probably getting off of an incoming plane. A few minutes after that, three big men passed by my waiting dock, then five boys followed after them. Looking as tired as shit.
Instead of walking past, the all came into the waiting area that I was sitting criss-cross- applesauce in front of a floor to ceiling window in.
The five of them collapsed onto the floor, mumbling softly to each other.
I looked away, too tired to mind anything. Twenty minutes later, I heard,
"Flight 5A, boarding in ten minutes." A voice came from overhead. It repeated itself. I was laying on the floor, trying to fall asleep when five minutes later, it came back and said the same thing. Just five minutes instead of ten.
I sat up, and looked around. About twenty more people were siting around in the black chairs, most of them wore business suits or old people in their elderly attire.
The five boys and three big men were all sitting in chairs now, but some were still sleeping.
"Flight 5A, boarding." a woman at the entering door said into a microphone. A crowd of people got up quickly and made there way to the woman.
After twenty minutes. The line was still as long as a freaking road. I had stood up, because I knew I was going to be sitting for a log while once I sat down in the plane.
The five boys were standing as well, but I was too tired to care about anything other than getting to California and sleeping.
When there was only a few people left in the line, I went over there and stood for a few minutes until the lady asked for my ticket. I handed it to her and she ripped the end off, scanned the ticket and handed the ticket stub back to me.
I followed the slow moving line into the plane, found my seat, and sat down. I was in the very middle. There were two seats, mine was the one next to the window.
I sat there, waiting for something to happen. As people began to settle down, the 'buckle your seat belt' light blinked so I did as was inquired. I had been on planes a bunch of times. My mother was always traveling for her work. So I was used to this. I took a drink of my tea and updated my twitter status.
Off to California
The overhead man said something about rules and crap but I wasn't listening. I'd heard this all before.
I was watching the men down in the ground spray the plane and drive around in their little trucks.
I checked the time, 6:02 am. See, I told myself, they're slow people.
I powered down my powered down my phone. As soon as the plane took off, I started playing Tetris on my phone and plugged my earphones in. I found myself twisting the ring on my ring finger on my right hand. It was small. It had a white diamond, but it seemed like it had been cut in half.
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"Come on!" Niall impatiently said, there was a man in the loo and Niall really had to go.
The five of us sat in First Class, in the seats that were set up like a booth. Zayn was sleeping, Harry was staring out the window, Niall was whining, Liam was bouncing his leg. I was completely bored.
Liam had been very odd today. He only told us a few things. We knew his mom remarried. We knew he had a sister. And we knew that he hasn't seen her since she was five. But he knew she has never know.
He told us that him and his mother had made a promise. Three days before she, as in Liam's sister, turned seventeen, which was on July 17th, today was the fourteenth, that they were to meet up but the sister can't know until they meet that she actually has a sibling. So he is all spazzed out. Looking for her. He is going to see her today. He told us that leaving her was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. He hasn't told us her name yet though. He probably doesn't want to hear it. He has been talking about her and has slowly grown more and more nervous as the days got closer to 17.
"There" I told Niall as a large man exited the little potty room.
He got up and pretty much sprinted to the tiny potty. He got there just before a nerdy man with glasses, he had his hand on the door but Niall squeezed in before the other man could get in.
I chuckled to myself. I was on the outside seat across from Liam, looking towards the back of the plane.
We had just gotten off of a plane like five hours ago. We were spending the summer in California. Just us five. In a condo or something. All summer. No tours, no photo shoots, no interviews, no red carpet events, no rules. We were all excited. We needed a break. I mean look at us. We all look half dead.
We all turned down the woman with the food cart. Niall was gonna miss the food. I stopped her and bought three bags of pretzels, and cheese-it's. I put them in Niall's seat.
Niall returned and looked sad. "damn it. I missed the food cart. I looked up at him and pointed towards the bags of food. His eyes lit up and he grabbed them all, sitting down.
"Thanks! You're the best."
"I know." I said cheekily.
A some time later, Zayn had woken up, and Harry was now talking to us. He had woken fully up since we boarded.
We were goofing around when the food cart lady came back around. We all were a bit hungry, so we all got a bunch of food. The woman left and we started eating.
"These are so good" Harry said, looking into his bag of corn nuts.
"I know!" Liam said into his bag of Crunch-n-Munch. I laughed at him.
I looked up and down the isle. The food cart was at the middle if the plane.
The lady handed somebody a bag of Crunch-n-Munch and a girl about seventeen thanked her.
She had a Rolling Stones tee-shirt on, her hair braided back. She opened her bag, and picked one out, popping it into her mouth. She looked away from the window, her eyes met mine but I quickly looked away. The last thing we needed was a crazy fan attacking us.
But I couldn't help myself look back at her. She was just eating her Munch. Like she didn't even know who I was.
She popped another piece into her mouth, looking up at the time on the plane wall across the way.
Her dark blue eyes shone brightly as the sunlight came through the window. She was beautiful. Her face was perfect. Her eyes were like Liam's, just a different color. Her chin was like Liam's to, and her cheek bones. The lady came back for her trash and she smiled at her, giving up an empty bag of Crunch-n-Munch.
I looked at her smile. It seemed familiar. The way her teeth were shaped...Like Liam's.
I glanced at Liam. "Hey Li." I interrupted him mid-sentence.
They all looked at me, but I wasn't looking at them. My attention was on the girl. "That girl looks like you" I nodded in her direction.
The four of then leant over into the isle looking for the girl. "Which one?" Harry asked.
I pointed her out. I watched as Liam's eyes found her. His face and body went still, he just stared as his face went pale.
"Is she as hot as Liam?" Niall joked and patted his cheek. "Liam?" Niall noticed. Then all of our eyes were on Liam. He just sat there, staring at her.
"Ashlee" he whispered, barely audible. The girl picked up her bag a rifled around in it, leaving the seat next to her empty.
Liam got up, with out a word, and walked back to the girl, sitting down next to her. She just blinked at him.
"Hello" I heard Liam's low voice say.
"Hi" her lips moved. She looked really confused.
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She waited for me to say something but I didn't know what to say. She waited a second longer, and I just sat there dumbfounded, staring at her.
"I'm Ashlee" she said. I snapped out of my haze at the sound of her voice.
"I-I'm Liam" I stuttered like an idiot, how did she not know my name?
She was about to say something but I cut her off. "Ashlee, you don't know me. But I know you." I paused as she gave me a confused look. She was beautiful. But not like that or crap. Like brotherly love. "I mean-I'm not-" I paused, trying to think of the right words.
"I'm you're brother." I blurted. Her deep blue eyes widened.
"I know this is surprising, and I'm going to tell you everything." I told her.
I glanced at the boys and they were all speaking to each other... but staring at the two of us, trying to hear what was being said.
"Wow. It all make sense" she said more to herself. She looked into my eyes, "kinda" she looked at something behind me, but then looked back at me.
"I'm Liam James Payne" I told her again. "When you were a baby, I loved you. You were the best thing that had ever happened. Our Father, Geoff is his name, loved you more than anything he had ever loved. Then, when you were five, I was seven, our mom wanted a divorce. Dad was devastated, as was I. A seven year old who looses a parent, not a fun experience. But, I chose to stay with dad.
"But leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Mum wanted to get away, so she took off with you. And you were out of my life. Dad then became depressed. He was never home. I was always alone. And I cried a lot. Every time I was alone, I would cry. Because I didn't do anything to keep you and mum with me. I blamed myself for your leaving."
There were tears in my eyes. I had been staring past Stephanie out the small window, but now I looked into her face. She looked so much older than when she left. Her blue eyes were teary. But I continued. She needed to know.
"I-I should have done something. Anything. Been a better son, done what I was supposed to when I was told. I didn't have anybody. I was ten when dad sobered up and actually got over mum. But he would always look at me, everyday at dinner, and say, "don't ever forget her" with tears in his eyes, he would hug me and we would cry. The first time this happened, I asked "who?" He knelt down next to me, held my shoulders, and looked me in the eye, and say..."
I choked up then, I sniffed and a lady handed me a Kleenex box. I nodded at her and I gave the box to Stephanie. We both wiped our tears, then I continued.
"He would say, "The gem that you have the privilege of calling your sister." Then, some time later, mum called dad. They talked for a long time. But then he handed the phone to me. We talked long, but what was said is why your hear now. I promised my mother that, when you turn seventeen, I would save you. She said she remarried, and that hurt a lot.
"She said she married Frank because he had money. But she knew she would grow to love him. She got married to a crazy man for you. But three days before you were to turn seventeen, I was to save you. Save you from what? I don't know. But I'm with you know. And I'm as happy as I'll ever be." I waited for her to say something.
"I can't believe I have a brother." She said to herself. then we were quiet for a second or so.
"I'm in a band." I told her. And she looked up at me.
"Cool. What's it called?" She smiled.
Her eyes grew big, then she said, "so that's why mum never let me have any contact with One Direction" she nodded.
"Yeah. I was disappointed when she told me you couldn't know."
"I would be." She said.
We talked a lot longer. I never actually thought this day would come. It took long enough. I told Stephanie that mum would call once a month, just talking about Steph. Then, mum got called to Chicago, so we met up there. We spent two weeks together.
A voice came from overhead saying that we were landing to refuel. And that we would have to wait 36 hours till we could continue our journey. We landed in Miami, Florida.
"I want you to meet some people." I told her as we exited the plane.
"Alright. Sounds okay." Stepped into the airport, with our bags in hand,and I scanned the crowd for the boys. I spotted Zayn, and made my way towards him. There weren't many people here. Since it was one in the morning here. Stephanie followed me, yawning into her hand.
As we reached Zayn, the other tree boys came up to us.
"Everybody," I started, "this is Ashlee, my little sister."
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I teared up writing this a bit. Sorry it's off to a slow start. But thanks for reading.