The night that Luke held you tight after the panic room cutting made you feel warm. The way he holds you always made you feel warm, but that time it was different. He was close to you and was very gentle. That was six months ago. You’re alone now. Luke and the other three boys are gone on tour in the U.K. for a bit. You’re only here with Luke’s and Ashton’s dogs. They’re great company for your worst days.
Luke makes Keeks dedicated to you everyday. He’s very quiet but sincere and he means every word he says. He tells you the count down of the days until he gets to see you again; he says how much he loves you and misses you; he points out the things that he finds beautiful about you; he says what’s going on on tour—everything, he tells you everything. He’s been telling you for several weeks now that he has a surprise for you when he gets back on Christmas Eve. You’ve been anxious to know.
Luke comes home tonight. You’ve been trying to call him for three hours but with no answer. This past week has been the worst. 5SOS’s fans have been trashing the yard and egging your house. They tweet you death threats and this one girl got your phone number and called you, saying that if you’re at the house when Luke/the boys come home, they’ll be sure you have a reason to cut again.
They found out you cut. Luke told them. He said that “because of the bad side of our family, my beloved girlfriend is insecure and she bled your hate. How do you feel about that? I hope you’re ashamed of yourselves.” He even blocked several accounts on twitter—the ones that were mean to you.
You haven’t sliced your skin since that night Luke walked in on you doing it. He’s talked to you everyday; if not—if he hasn’t had the opportunity to one day, Mikey or Calum or Ashton has spoken to you. They all want to make sure you’re okay and happy. Luke’s mom, Liz, talks to you everyday as well, even if it’s just a text asking if you’re okay or if you need to talk to Luke at the moment.
But they’re not replying and you’re crying. None of them are answering you and you can’t do anything about it. Today has been the worst day of it all and you were done—you just want to feel your boyfriend’s warm skin against yours, his hands on your back or entwined with your fingers. You just at least want to hear his voice. But, for whatever reason he’s not picking up or responding, you can’t.
It’s over with.
You grab your knife, the one you’d hidden from Luke under your dresser. He had taken all the knives away from you so you couldn’t do any harm to yourself; he also took the ropes and the razors and wires and anything else he was scared you’d get hold of.
You take the knife to the panic room. ”You’re breaking the rule again,”you say to yourself, tears making your voice shake. ”I’m hurting Luke. But I’m hurting more.”
Before you do what you want to do, you grab a half-piece of paper, a pen, and a camera. On the paper, you write:
I’m sorry. I don’t know what for, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry to Liz, Mikey, Ashton, Calum… I’m sorry for making you all worry so much. I’m sorry to Luke. My wonderful Luke. My sunshine Luke. My happy, dream-making Luke. I love you so much. I’ll always love you, even when I’m not here or if you’re not here with me. I love you so, very, very much. Don’t hurt. Smile. Love yourself because you know I’ll always love you.
You set the camera on a tripod and tape the note to the side of it with the pen lying on the ground. You turn the camera on with the remote in your hand. You smile and say nothing for a while, just looking and shaking your head with tears staining your body and face and clothes.
"I love you, Luke," you say. "You’re my everything."
You look at the knife and bring it up to your face. You touch it with your left hand’s index finger and thumb. With one swift motion, it’s stuck in your belly. You repeat this movement until you can’t move anymore. Your breath is stolen and your skin turns cold; your body is pale and the blood is drained. You’re laying on the wooden floor, hands on your abdomen. At your last moment with life living, you hear your phone ring beside you. You look at your phone with blankly dead eyes. You click the button on the remote to turn it off.
The phone is ringing still, very loudly. But you can’t hear it. You’re gone, you’re dead, there’s no turning back. The caller was Luke. He called and said, “Babe? Are you okay? I see you’ve been trying to call me. I just landed at the airport and I’ll be home in ten minutes. Call me when you get this. I love you so much. Can’t wait to give you your surprise! Be sure to be at the door so you can open it for me. The other guys will be here tomorrow—their flights got mixed up and I flew alone. I love you! Bye!” And the call was over. The call is now a voicemail that will never be heard.
Your body still lies dead on the floor when Luke calls you again: “Babe, answer your phone! Is it dead? Did I do something? Are you mad at me? Please answer. I’m knocking on the door and you’re not letting me in. Oh! I always forget the key under the mat. Okay, hold on..”
There’s a pause as he opens the door.
"Babe!" he calls and it echoes throughout the silent house and in the phone. "Ugh, where are you? You know my biggest fear is losing you. Please be here." Luke makes his way up to the rooms and checks every single one upstairs, talking to you—or he thinks he’s talking to you—along the journey.
"You’re not anywhere here," he sighs out and pauses. "The panic room is all that’s left…" Another pause. Luke comes down the stairs and jiggles the doorknob to the panic room, struggling to get it open. "I hope you’re okay because I didn’t hear any cry- oh my god!" His phone falls from his hands as he sees his dead girlfriend on the wooden floor with the camera pointing at her.
Luke hangs up and calls your phone again. He says softly, voice shaky as he holds your cold hand, “I found you, baby, alone in this stupid room. This stupid knife and this stupid camera and this stupid paper and pen. Everything is stupid. What did I do? What didn’t I do? I have your present here. Why did you do it? I love you so much. I don’t know why you did it or when you decided to do it, but all I know is that I’m alone now. I will always have this hole-” Luke uses his empty hand to circle a place in his heart “-in my heart for you being gone. You’re gone now. You’re gone. You’re freezing and lifeless and I’m crying at the thought of you doing this to yourself.”
He pauses and just looks at you, tears falling like Niagara Falls. He touches your hair softly while holding his breath, scared to break you. He lets out his breath slowly and softly.
Luke brings your hand up to his chest, holds it to his chest with both of his hands and says, “What am I supposed to do with this ring now?”