wtf why am i writing in you again, i guess its the fact i want to start counting calories again...so this morning before beau woke up i went into the bathroom and weighed myself...120 aHELLLL no! i need to lose lots of weight...well bye i guess
i havent written in my journal/diary since i was about 14. its kinda sad i feel fat. i mean am i truly fat? why do they bother me all the time and i THOUGHT jade was my friend i guess not. i heard beau shift in his bed and his eyes fluttered open.
"goodmorning beautiful" he smiled and rubbed his eyes
"im not beautiful" i blushed a little
"that is a lie!" he stood up.
WHEN THE HELL DID HE TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF? he went over to his dresser and pulled out a 'obey' shirt.... he pulled out an extra one and handed it to me.
"Put this on"
"I don't need it thanks though"
I was sitting in health it was a new class I had for this semester. I wasn't listening to what the teacher said until my name was called.
"Avery what is the most common way for becoming HIV positive?"
As I was thinking I heard Chris say
"She should know this one, it's not like she's a virgin or anything"
Before I could reply the bell rang. As I ran down the halls to the bathroom the sound of the class being filled with laughter. I turned the corner and ran into the bathroom. Slamming the door shut and locking it not allowing anyone else to come in. I paced back and forth past the sinks staring at my book bag. i grabbed my lunch i made and ripped apart all the food. i took the crumbled up sandwich and chips and flushed it down the toilet, today was the day i would start my food journal....
i was sitting at "my" table with beau and he kept looking at me funny.
"yes?" i asked
"wheres your lunch?"
"i didnt pack one.."
"yeah you did i saw you at my house"
"oh i ate it already aha in between classes and during classes aha"
something about my voice and my fake laugh wasn't reassuring
"is this about what Chris said?"
no im just not hungry..."
"ok well your eating tonight,im taking you out to the best restaurant in town"
he kissed my cheek and i felt the heaviness in my chest get heavier and heavier. i havent been this way in a while.... it was the anxiety....the anxiety of me gaining weight....ohhh boy here we go again