So, cricket was going very nicely indeed. Getting people out easily with some rapid bowling made me feel exseptional! I was now their star bowler; plus, the dickheads weren't such dickheads to me anymore, like I had been accepted into the 'cool' group. Also, fight training was under way. Mum didn't approve of me doing it but now I wasn't too much of a weed either. It was 1 to 1 training with a man called Ian, ex-Royal Marine and such a nice bloke. I thought he'd judge my body shape and fitness at first, but he's getting me through it nice and slowly. Now I can at least throw a punch, bloke a punch and counter attack. The basics however... But things with Jess are getting better too. Much better. Every lunchtime, we hang in the library, drawing, homework and messing about too. Just us two, no one else and I'm starting to think I may have a chance with her. Well, I thought...
I was in the library at about 1:05, waiting for Jess to come in. Yet time passed and passed for about 10 minutes, and I was starting to worry slightly. She was never late... she always turned up at 1:05 - 1:10. It was now 10:20. But I kept waiting and finally, after 5 more minutes she popped through the door. She certainly had a large smile on her face.
"Madam! You have arrived finally!" I cheered, she giggled and pulled up a chair in front of me on the circular table. "What took you so long?" I asked.
"Oh! It was wonderful! It's made my week!" she huffed. She seemed out of breath and shaking.
"Ooo! What's happened? Tell me, tell me!" I was excited. I wanted to know what was so great, maybe I could benefit from it too.
"You know Duncan in our year?" Duncan... he was a loud mouth, he had a nasty habit of spreading rumors, most of the time lies off of the tip of his vicious tongue. I haven't talked or made eye contact with him much, so I only know what others tell me about him. He's unpopular with most of the school, but there were some 'cool' and 'uncool' people who liked him. Only some.
"Yes, I vaguely know of him." I replied.
"Well, we've been talking a lot lately..." Oh no! "and just now," No! "he asked me out!" shatter. My heart may of split in two, I don't know. If it had, why was it pumping painful blood through my veins more than before! My lungs were reacting badly too like acid reacts with alkali. I gave a short, faint gasp as the words left her mouth, making me feel like I sucked in poison.
"Awww! I'm so happy for you." I grinded, trying to hold back my tears. I just bit my tongue to keep them away, and hugged her in kindness. I just had to pretend everything was okay, I had to; for her sake right now, and for me.
"I know! He's so kind to me and thoughtful, we like the same things and stuff." Don't rub it in I thought to myself. The tears were pushing harder through the barrier I was making for them. What was wrong with me?! I was thoughtful AND I liked the same things she did! Why was Duncan different?!
The hours of tears flooded after I got home, bottles full of them. Each one more blazing than the last. Tear by tear, stuttered breaths by stuttered breaths, the hours went by and by. So many questions and thoughts rang through my head that evening, so many that I can't even remember most of them. Rage mutated in sorrow, and sorrow mutated into rage multiple times over and over again. Why wouldn't she like me? What was I doing wrong? I hate Jess! I hate Duncan! Why won't this pain fade?! How should I kill Duncan? How high is this two story window? That was only a few that the Pandora's Box called my brain revealed.
7:30 and I needed to pull myself together. I stepped into the bathroom, looking at my sorry face in the mirror; blood shot eyes, bags under them and a shining face from the evil tears washing down my face. I took a deep breath in, and washed my face in the running tap water. I leant over the sink, still gawking at my wet face in the mirror. Questions were still going through my brain cells, getting slightly more sane as they went on, some even being repeated. Except one. One that I can't believe I hadn't thought of before this. One that would, and always has, kept me going through the black. What would Tana do?... Cheesy, I know but I wasn't being myself at the moment, I wasn't Tana. I was the other half of me. The demonic side that I had never let out of it's cage till now. That question was the padlock that had kept the cage of my mind shut. For good reason. I must of lost the key to it in my shadowing fury. So I started to place the key in the lock by answering that said question.
"Tana would forgive them both." How on earth can I forgive them for this?! "By showing them great respect. Jess didn't know you liked her, nor did Duncan." But Duncan will pay! He took Jess away from me! He's brain washed her! "Your being stupid. You have brain washed yourself. You may still have feelings for her, but she loves someone else. I'm not saying let her go, I'm saying accept their love." I suppose. But he's keeping me from getting the lady of my dreams! "He may not... It has only been a day that they have been together. They may break up. There is still hope for you. Just grip that hope and don't let it go. For if you lose that hope, you become this... a selfish, controlling and mad freak. That just isn't you." You are right. I'll hold on to it, and take this in stride. Thank you. "You have only yourself to thank."
The cage was locked once more. Call me insane for talking to myself, but if I didn't I WOULD be insane. Tantrum over, I went onto the computer with a happy face. I felt good and righteous, I did the right thing that not many people can really do.