We were back from visiting my dad and he passed away the week before we came back. I am torn, heart broken, and barely even alive. I stopped eating and Wren almost threatened to force feed me. I told that was against the law but he said we weren't in America any more. Today it was our and Liam and Sophia's one year anniversary. I didn't feel like going out much but what else could I do. Harry came and sat next to me. I haven't read, haven't slept unless I cried myself to sleep I was in terrible shape. I lost 7 pounds. I was happy about that. Now I only weigh 162. I still need to loose a ton of weight though.
I feel terrible. Terrible because I still don't love Sophia and I am still with her. I have got the heart to say I never loved her and Tony is the love of my life. But Tony loves Wren and Wren loves her too. But I just can't help but think I have a piece of her heart. I was waiting for Sophia to come over so we could figure out what she wants to do today. To be honest. Tony's recent loss has got all of us out of it. she just isn't the same anymore. I mean the girl lost her father of course she wouldn't be the same any more but it kills me to see her that way.
I have been at Tony's side this whole time and I cant help but think that this is how she'll be the day I pass away. She lost her father and I don't want her to loose me too. I rather hurt her by breaking up with her then hurt her by passing away. obviously this isn't going to work out when I die. but one thing is for sure. When I die. Everything in my possession will be hers. Including the hospital. I had a doctor's appointment today again so I asked Harry to go with me. I still haven't told Tony and to be honest I don't want her to know. I wouldn't want to hurt her like that. But I would never want her to think I didn't love her. Truth is she's worth so much more than life.
"Wren.! Harry is here.!" Tony yelled from the balcony and I looked up. There is my sunshine. I pulled myself up from my balcony to hers and jumped on it. I stepped out and Harry was already in.
"Hey man. How you doing.?"
"Better. Ready to go.?" Harry nodded and I walked out with him over to the garage in the back. I drove off and we stopped for some coffee.
We got to the hospital and we were automatically greeted by my mother. We continued walking in and the x-ray technician met me halfway. I walked into the room and took off my shirt along with my pants. I lay inside the machine and to be honest I loved. Only because I get a feel of being a lone and I get to close my eyes and lay there knowing no one is looking at me but what's inside. Very cliché I know but it's true, They were looking at my heart and not at me.
I went into the room and Harry came in with red eyes. Looked like he either had terrible allergies or just finished getting high of that weed. It was neither. These were good guys. Didn't smoke and I don't either actually I hate it.
"So what did he say.?" He looked away took one deep breath and looked back at me.
"You have 1 year and a half if you lucky about a year and 8 months. I'm sorry man" I laughed. I didn't find my death hilarious nevertheless I found his apology uncalled for. Yes death was very sad but he was acting a if I wont wake up tomorrow which I probably wont. Maybe it is a time to be sad.
We got back to the building and I stayed inside the car trying to process and calculate the time I have left.
"Are you going to tell Tony.?" Good question. But I don't even know if I have the answer tot hat myself. Am I going to tell her.?
"No I have another solution but one is definitely not telling her." So I guess I did have it figured out. I wasn't going to tell her. I was just no longer going to be with her. I don't want to fall any deeper in love which I have already doubted is impossible yet everyday she never seizes to amaze me and I fall again and again and again. But one thing is for sure I wouldn't like to die a virgin. Stupid thing to think of given the circumstances of the situation but still. Im 20 and a virgin.
"What are you going to do.?" I almost forgot Harry was in here. Should I say what I want to do or just let it go.?
"I uh- I think I'm going to uh- break up..with her." even saying those words alone were enough to set me off and the unexpected happened. I cried. I didn't even cry when I found out I was going to die yet just the thought of leaving Tony and no longer being by her side kills me. I might as well already be dead.
"You cant do that."
"No. Look at me. I cant let you do that. You love her too much and she needs you right now. She loves your more than you know. You cant just leave her."
"You have seen her mourn. When she lost her father she lost her will to live. What is going to happen when she wakes up and realizes she slept with a dead man that night. Or we are out at our kids birthday party and I knock out and never wake up. What if I knock out at the moment she needs me the most and I don't wake up to there for her or help her. I will only be a burden to her." I couldn't stop my tears. I felt a huge weight on me and I couldn't get rid of it like I was punched continuously in the gut over and over gain.
Sophia and I set up a bonfire. We were at the roof of the building and we installed a fire pit a little off the center and to the left. We had a huge supply of Hershey's bars, grahm crackers, and marshmallow. We were going t make endless smores. I brought up my guitar and I had a piano brought up. We can all sing songs and stuff I thought that would make the night perfect. The more I think about it the more I like her. But then Tony pops into my head and bye-bye Sophie. I started the fire while she went to finish getting ready. Zayn came and sat behind me.
"How's it going mate.?" He asked and he lit his cigarette.
"Good. But hey, Can you do me a favor and turn that off please. After today You can come up here and smoke whenever you want again." He threw his cigarette on the floor and stepped all over it.
"Since when does it bother you that I smoke.?" He asked me in an inquisition voice.
"It doesn't. Tony cant stand it though. AT ALL." He nodded and got rid of his pack. I looked over my shoulder Niall and Tony walked in.
"Wren's not coming.?" I asked she pointed over to Zayn. Wren was standing with him and Harry.
why cant he get lost.?
Everyone took a turn to sing. Wren sang "Hello" by Lionel Richie. Liam sang "something about the way you look tonight" by Elton John. Niall sang "To Be Loved" by Michael Buble. Harry sang "Yesterday" By The Beatles. Zayn sang "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. Louis sang "a whole new world" with Eleanor. I personally thought that was too cute. And Sophia sang Hopelessly Devoted to you.. How......Ironic. It was my turn to sing I guess and I decided to sing "Faithfully" by Journey.
Once I was done with my song we all just talked about a whole bunch of non-sense. We made many many smores. I only ate two. I lost weight I didn't want to gain it back. Wren gave me a gesture and walked into the dark. I followed him and he had a candle with him.
"I need to talk to you."
"Woah, That sounded a little too serious Wren."
"Uhm. I am serious. Tony." I got scared. SO scared I wanted to runaway and hide so I wouldn't be this tormented. What did I do.?