I wake up to my mom beating on the wall next to my door. I’m relieved to be wrapped completely in my comforter and sheets and also to see that my mother is only slightly annoyed. I look up at her through tired eyes.
“I called your school and got you a tutor he’ll be here for a tutoring session at noon.”
“I’m not stupid I don’t need a tutor” I fight. Tutors are for people who are failing school because they are stupid not people who fail because they don’t care.
“You’re right but you are lazy. Hopefully your tutor can get you to do your damn homework.” I roll my eyes at her comment and check my phone. She closes my door as she leaves. Its 11:00 and I have a headache. Perfect.
I chose to stay in bed for another 20 minutes. Not sleeping just laying there. Just thinking.
How did I even get here?
How did I get myself in this deep?
The summer after sophomore year I started hanging out with Mallorie. That was a good summer. It was fun to be honest. She was cool then and we laughed alot. In the middle of junior year she lost her virginity. Thats when we both became sluts. I was a wanna be then and I did everything she did. Eventually I didn’t even have to try. We would go to her boyfriend Adams’ apartment and I would hook up with his friend Hayden while she hooked up with him. Me and Hayden were actually pretty good friends back then and no matter how much of a whore it makes me sound like I can’t deny how much fun we had.
We tried to date for a while but it didn’t last long. We didn’t feel that way about each other and we were better as friends. When Mallorie and Adam broke up they cut off all communication between Hayden and I. I was 16 and he was 21 so it wouldn’t have worked out anyways.
He was my first. My first everything. Even my first kiss. I told him after a while. He didn’t find it weird. Mallorie doesn’t even know that. No one else does.
After that Mallorie and I were extremely close we did everything together. There wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t hangout. We started to party and get high a lot then. I guess thats when I stopped caring.. When I started feeling like I was too good for everything.
I had liked Zac for a while when he started to acknowledge me. It was like a teenage girl’s dream. They guy you’ve been dreaming about starts talking to you in public and inviting you to parties. I guess I can thank Mallorie for getting him to date me in the first place. Its all been a huge joke.
The day I found out about them started out well. I had told my mom I was staying at Mallories and she believed me. My younger sisters were at their dads for the weekend and my older sister away at college. Zac stayed the night with me that night and we slept together. It wasn’t the first time but I thought I loved him after that night.
When he left in the morning he forgot his phone. I thought it would be funny if I took some pictures on his phone. It was when I went to look back through them that I found the pictures of Mallorie.
I should’ve ended it right then.
I should have called him and cussed him out.
I should have set one of the pictures as his background and watched his face go into shock when he turned it on.
I should have thrown his phone across the room and broken it up into pieces.
I should have fucked someone else out of pure spite.
Instead I stayed.
That was when I stopped feeling.
I finished applying my mascara and backed away from the mirror. I wore short cheetah printed shorts and a white tank top over my black sports bra. My hair was up in a messy bun and I had put on some makeup. I looked pretty good for 10 minutes.
My mom said ‘he’ so I’m hoping for a hot college kid.
I make weird faces at myself in the mirror for a few minutes before I realize I’m a loser and laugh at myself. Thats about the only time I laugh anymore.
I hear the doorbell ring so I grab my bookbag off of my floor and quietly tiptoe down the stairs. I can hear my mom talking at the front door and I wait on the stairs for her to lead my tutor into the dining room around the corner.
“She’ll be right down”
“Alright” His voice is deep. Deeper than I think I’m ready for and I think I hear a hint of an accent. I cough awkwardly and walk down the last few stairs before turning the corner to see the back of my tutors head.
“There she is” My mom smiles and the boy turns around. He’s pretty attractive with big lips and dark brown hair popping out from beneath a beany.
“Landry this is your tutor Harry he’ll be here 3 days a week for an hour and a half.” She rushes. “I have to go now I got called in to work.”
“Nice meeting you Harry I’m sorry I have to leave” she waves goodbye
“Thats alright” He smiles. Nice smile “Good meeting you” Definitely more than a hint of an accent there.
When she closes the door behind her he turns back around to where I am sitting, staring at him.
“You can leave now I don’t need you.”
He huffs a laugh and digs through a bookbag. “I can’t”
I roll my eyes annoyed “You look stupid”
“You really want me to leave don’t you?” His deep voice makes me a little nervous
“Why are you wearing jeans a hoodie and a beany in California?” I ignore his comment. He just shrugs
“So where do you go to college?” When did I turn into 20 questions?
He looks at me confused before answering “I don’t”
Now I’m confused. “What?”
“Landry I’m in your first period class.. and a few others.” His accent is strong and when he says my name I fall in love. With the voice. I would guess British. But to be fair I think every accent is British.
“Oh right… AP English” I hope thats the right class. He nods and I reward myself. “Don’t you sit in the corner” I guess
“I sit behind you” He laughs “Maybe if you partied a little less you’d remember a little more” He mumbles but I hear him.
I’m slightly offended by his words “How would you even know?” I ask a bit harshly
“Well by the way you danced last night I’d say you party pretty often” He states matter of factly. He seems a bit too proud of himself.
“Ohh so how was Mr. Goodietooshoes’ night out?” The Goodietooshoes was a stereotype seeing as hes in AP English but I guess I shouldn’t assume. I’m in the class aren’t I?
“You ask a lot of questions.”
I watch him pull out a textbook and a folder. He flips open the textbook looking for the page he’s searching for then opens his folder and pulls out a paper. When he looks up I’m still staring at him.
“I don’t like you”
“You don’t have to I’m being paid” He doesn’t even look at me when he talks. Instead he looks back down to his book and grabs his pen off the table.
“We’ll start with History, Yeah?”
“Sure” I’m reluctant because school but I figure if I have to sit here for an hour and a half I better force this asshole to do what he’s being paid for.
My mom is right though. If I don’t get my shit together I might not graduate.
The so called ‘study session’ is shit as I expected but Harry made me push through until I finished all my homework for the weekend. I’m absolutely sure to witness more than a few shocked expressions from teachers and asshole kids in my classes on Monday. That alone makes me not want to do my work. Its like they are utterly shocked that you would ever try to succeed in life. Like its normal for everyone else but when you do your assignment it becomes some huge accomplishment like you need a reward for it.
I’m not stupid I just think its a waste of my time.
Because it is.
I waste my time on a lot of things though. Like Zac. He’s a complete waste of my time, yet I still cling to him.
Like Mallorie. Shes a poor excuse for a friend, yet I can’t manage to let her go.
Like pretending I care.
Like my life.
‘Waste’ seems to be the summary of my life. How fitting.