Dear Diary...

For the Dear Diary competition. This is gonna be weird, I can tell.

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2. May 6th 2015

I think this diary's starting to screw with my thought processes. I woke up about ten past two this morning, which is pretty normal after a 24-hour period without sleep, but whilst laying there in my room...I found myself correcting my thought processing and order.

Not like in a cognitive therapy kinda way either. I meant spelling, punctuation, and grammar. I don't know if anyone gets this, but whilst thinking, I see like a random word or two in my head that's a part of my thought. It's usually one of the last few words of it. Say I was thinking, "I really hope break hurries up" I might see 'hurries' in my head.

Anyway, I was freaking SPaG checking my own thoughts. If I had like a jumbled thought, I went back and repeated it in my head as a proper, coherent sentence.

I think that's a sign I've been doing too much editing recently. Or like I said, this diary's screwing with my thought processes as I was planning to write down those random thoughts, and I was editing them before writing them down so I wouldn't have to go back and edit them again.

I really don't know where I'm at anymore. My thoughts were basically the typical kinda ones a girl gets at my age (17 years and 9 months), in case anyone's interested. What I'm dropping for next year, what to do after 6th Form, my possible sexuality, my possible future, things I'd like to do, and all that sort of thing. I would elaborate, but I'm probably gonna get judged for it.

Oh wait, I forgot. The only ones on here who's opinions on me I care about, either already know about or can pretty much work out what those elaborations are and won't judge. The rest...well I genuinely couldn't give the furry crack of a rat's patootie what anyone else thinks of me. Bit of a "those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind, and those that try using this against me either to my face or behind my back can honestly go and deep-throat a scimitar dipped in chilli juice" kinda thing.

I'm probably dropping History next year. It's nice and all, and I really like History...but to be honest, I know I'm gonna do worst in that. The first exam, the American Revolution and Abolishing Slavery, I did worse on in my mock, but I can tell I'm gonna do better in the exam than the second one. The second one is easier, as it's the sources paper, and I have more of an interest in the period it's on (20th Century, Britain 1945-90). Yet...as my teacher for that topic goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on about honestly irrelevant topics (like rugby) for a good three-quarters of the lesson and likes the sound of his own voice a bit too much, we've JUST started the final section, Thatcher in Power. And you know, that Sod's Law, is gonna be a prick, and have it so the paper's on Thatcher. Whether it's the Falklands, miners, or her own party booting her out, you just know, it's gonna be on that. I have been learning it on my own, but there's just so much and it's confusing as hell. I've only got 2 weeks to cram it all in alongside revising for the others.

It's that or drop Creative Writing, and I really don't want to have to do that. I got 65/90 on my Creative Writing coursework (found out yesterday) which is one mark off a B. I'm a little bit 'Rrrrrrrrrrr' at that, having found at that both my teachers AND another English teacher couldn't give me the extra mark. Despite my perfect Band 5 poem Parallel Life (Ma'am's words not mine). Still, it puts me in good stead for the exam. I don't need to do much in that to get a B/A, as the marks are added together for exams and coursework, and coursework is 60% of the AS.

Still, I'll have to carry it on at A2, along with two others. Definitely Sociology and Psychology. Sociology I got an A in the mock, and Psychology I got a C, plus an A (20/24) in a seperate Biological Psychology mock. So I think I'm good for them. It'll supposedly be harder at A2, but honestly, I don't think it will. AS is less taxing but the topics are a bit meh. Culture and Identity's pretty ok, Education's bleh, Cognitive Psychology's ok-ish, Developmental Psychology is just no as I'm not good with little kids, Research Methods is ok, Biological Psychology's ok, Social Psychology's pretty interesting, and Psychopathology's pretty good. Yet A2 is more taxing yet has really interesting topics. Paranormal Psychology (ghosts, demons, psychics, lucky stuff, astrology, and all that Derren Brown shiz), Beliefs in Society (from religion to aliens and creepy things), Crime and Deviance (just interesting), Psychological Topics like Gender (and the medical f**k-up we remember it by that's grim but interesting at the same time), Sleep, and Attraction; Media Psychology like celebrity stalking and fans nuttier than squirrel sh**, Addiction, and all the other cool stuff. So I think I'm gonna do well, as interest and taxation will kinda balance it out.

It's what's after Sixth Form that's bothering me. I mean...I kinda got things sorted in what I think I want to do. Study abroad in America as the college I have my eye on has cheaper tuition fees for 5 years of study than what England has for 3 years (when converted to pounds) with about £5,000 equivalent left over (3 year UK fees minus 5 year (2 semester) US fees for that college). Plus I get to see a bit of the world outside Britain, meet new people, try new things, be away from home to get some independence...and being closer to someone I care about doesn't hurt too.

Yet...I keep thinking about my other option. A Major-Minor Creative Writing and Publication degree at Bath Spa university. There's just something...I don't know, right about it. I know it's more expensive, and I won't be able to move out as I won't have an excuse to (distance), so won't be able to gain much independence. Plus I want to meet the person I care about face-to-face for the first time.

And I don't want to let them down. They've been doing a ton of saving, I've been doing a ton of saving. They've been doing a ton of planning, I've been doing a ton of planning. It'll all be for naught if I don't go over.

I don't want to let anybody down.

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