After I'd completely stopped myself from crying I followed Harry down stairs to help him cook something for us all to eat. I said I'd help which Harry hadn't been to happy about because he distinctly remembers me being an awful cook, which is not true. I may have been when I was younger, but since having to cook all the meals for dad I had got much better at it.
When we got to the kitchen, I opened the fridge as he went to the cupboards. I rolled my eyes as I saw the fridge was completely bare, apart from the odd can of coke and a mouldy looking carrot which I threw in the bin.
"It's going to be a bit hard cooking something which isn't there" I stated out loud, as I went over to Harry and peered into the cupboard over his shoulder.
There wasn't anything much in there either. Harry sighed. "Yeah. I guess that means we need to go shopping."
I nodded, stepping back so he could shut the cupboard. "I'll stay here" I decided too tired to be bothered with going food shopping.
"Okay" he nodded his head, heading into the other room saying "who's coming to the shops with me?"
I followed him through the door, seeing Niall jumping up ready, Zayn grumbling that he would go and Louis say "well, I better go to make sure Niall doesn't try and buy the whole shop's stock of food."
I smiled at this comment, as he got up to, stretching, and looking over at me. "You okay squiggle bum bum?"
I nodded, as they all looked round, the rest not having realised I was there. "Good" he said smiling at me again as he, Niall and Zayn passed by me and Harry into the kitchen. I looked around the room, to find Liam wasn't there, feeling any happiness from my smile fade away.
I told myself to try and forget it but it was hard not to feel like I was missing something. Liam made me feel better and right now I needed him here, just to feel happier. I couldn't say anything about it. I have to try and stop myself liking him, like I told myself. Nothing can happen.
Harry was looking down at me carefully. "You're going to be alright here by yourself aren't you?" he questioned me, and I quickly nodded reassuringly.
"Anyway I won't be by myself" I replied, "Liam's here to."
He nodded. "Yeah, I know. I'll go and tell him we're going."
He then smiled, squeezing my hand a little before leaving the room saying "see you in a bit."
I nodded saying back "see you later" although he'd already gone and probably didn't hear me.
I went to sit by the window, opening it slightly and letting cool air in, making me feel calmer. I hadn't been outside for a couple of days, maybe fresh air was what I needed. I closed my eyes breathing it in slowly, feeling it fill my lungs.
I opened my eyes again, looking out of the window at the city below, and wondering where in the world Jason was now. I know I shouldn't be thinking about him again because it only makes me feel angry and sad at the same time, but I can't help it.
I want to know where he is, just so I can feel safe that he's far away. Not knowing where he is scary. He could be here in London for all I know. He could be so close right now but I wouldn't know. It chills me thinking of that. What If he found out where I was? What would happen then?
I shivered at the thought, closing the window, and hugging myself trying to get warm again. I tried not to think of the answer to my question. I didn't want to, but bad thoughts kept coming up in my head, making me bite my lip anxiously, tears prickling in my eyes again. Don't start crying again, I ordered myself, but it was no use. Tears dropped from my eyes, down onto my cheeks. I hastily brushed them away, feeling anxious and agitated.
I got up, walking round the room trying to relive myself of some of the emotions running around my head. It wasn't much help though, I just felt more panicked by the second. I was about to leave the room, going round the sofa heading for the door when Liam walked in. I stopped in my tracks, looking towards him.
He looked round at me, an unreadable expression on his face. He then frowned at me concerned. "Are you okay?"
"I wish people would stop asking me that" I replied, not answering the question as he stepped closer, giving me a more serious look.
"Why?" he questioned. "Because you're afraid of the answer."
I thought about his words, looking up at him and into those dark twinkling eyes. "I guess" I answered him softly.
"It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to admit it" he said next, his voice meaningful.
I shrugged. "Is it?"
He nodded. "Yeah. Sometimes keeping all your emotions inside only hurts you more."
I didn't know what to say to that, just nodded my head, feeling like I was about to actually just dissolve into his eyes if he kept talking and I kept looking back. My breath was caught in my throat, no words forming, my heart beat even seeming to dull down as though I was stuck in slow motion.
"Like now" Liam whispered. "I really can't keep my emotions inside. I have to let them out." He paused, breathing out deeply. I could feel his breath tickling my face, he was so near. "You're driving me crazy."
"I'm sorry" I breathed, my lips barely moving as I spoke the words.
"Don't be" he mumbled then before I knew what was happening or what he was doing, his lips were pressed against mine.
I tensed up, feeling warmness spread all over me as he kissed me so softly it was as though he wasn't at all. Goosebumps erupted everywhere, as I felt his hands pulling me closer to him and as he pressed his lips harder against mine. I couldn't kiss back, I was so shocked and frozen, I just couldn't.
He pulled his head back for a breath, but not long enough for me to actually get the truth of what was happening into my head. He was kissing me more desperately now, as though he was a predator and I was his prey. I didn't know what to do, as he pushed me up against the wall, his lips insistent, one hand on the side of my head the other on my waist.
I couldn't take it all in, my mind was in overload, my senses tingling, and my whole body shaking. What do I? I questioned myself, and then I did something which was the only thing I thought I could. I kissed him back.
It was as though something had been turned on inside of me. His lips reacted to mine, as though they were flames, burning together and fighting each other. I couldn't see anything, all I could do was feel his lips, the heat burning, and his hands holding me tightly as though he would never let go. I couldn't even breath, it was as though I was frozen in this intense brilliant moment, my heart having stopped beating. There was just the fire raging on.
Then in the next second it all came down on me. The realisation of it all. Liam was kissing me. Liam was breaking the rules. I was kissing him back. I broke off, breathing in deeply, pushing Liam back with all the strength I could. I don't think he wanted to stop, he was trying to find my lips again, but I denied him, pushing him in the chest to try and get free.
"Stop" I whispered, trying to make my voice stronger. But I couldn't, I was breathless, the heat still flushing through my veins, my heart starting to pump manically.
It was as though the sound of my voice saying just that word caused Liam to come out of his trance. His hands dropped from me, his breathing heavy, his eyes so dark and sad that it made me feel like I was going to cry again. I tried to speak but he spoke over me apologizing. "I'm so sorry."
His voice was quiet but deep, and it made me stare at him, my heart faltering in my chest. I again tried to talk but I just couldn't any more. He carried on. "I shouldn't have done that. If Harry finds out he's going to kill me."
It sounded more as though he was talking to himself. I couldn't move, I couldn't breath, my heart was thumping loudly in my ears, it was as though I was having an emotional heart attack.
"Don't tell him. Please don't tell him. I never meant..." His voice broke, as he looked at me a little pleadingly, his face so sad I thought he was going to break down crying in a minute. "I never meant to take it that far."
I swallowed hard. "I'm sorry" he muttered again, and he stepped back. "I couldn't help myself. I can't keep in my feelings any more."
I was blinking hard, my breaths uneven as I stared back at him, almost in shock. I felt as though my lips were on fire, my whole body trembling, and me eyes welling up with tears.
I swallowed again opening my mouth to talk, but no words coming out. I couldn't take it any more, I span on my heel, running from the room. I couldn't look at him anymore, I couldn't bare how he was talking to me. I needed to breath, I needed to get away from him. I needed to think.
I ran up the stairs, my breaths painful in my chest, my legs shaking violently. I couldn't record all that had just happened. My mind was filled with so much confusion I felt like screaming. I couldn't think properly. I couldn't breath.
I slammed my bedroom door closed, sliding down to sit on the floor, clutching my chest, my breathing heavy, my heart beat fast. Calm down, I told myself, just clam down. I closed my eyes, breathing out through my nose, willing my heart to stop beating furiously.
Finally it did. My breathing clamed down, my heart beat lowering. I opened my eyes, and took in a deep breath. Just be calm, I told myself, just be calm. Then I tried to stand up my legs weak, but I forced myself to a standing position. I walked to my bed, holding onto end of the bed steadying myself and taking some calming breaths full of cold air.
Then realisation hit me again. We'd kissed!
Liam had broken the rules. He'd really seriously broken them.
He'd asked me not to tell Harry, of course I wasn't going to, I wouldn't dare. Harry would be so angry, I bet he'd chuck him out of the flat. I can't let that happen. I can't. I'm not going to tell, I never would.
I can't believe what has just happened. I can't. It's as though I'm in shock or something. I gripped onto the bed feeling like I was about to faint. I closed my eyes, trying not to cry. I didn't want to cry again. I was sick of crying, and I couldn't deny that inside I had this amazing exhilarating feeling. I was to happy to cry right now.
He'd kissed me. Oh my goodness! He'd actually kissed me. I know it's breaking all Harry's rules, but still I can't help feeling excited at that. He'd kissed me. No one had ever kissed me before like he had. Jason had kissed me, I'd had my first kiss, but I'd never felt like I did when Liam was kissing me. It was amazing, it was truly amazing the feelings that I was feeling.
But I told myself no. I shouldn't think it. I should be resisting my attraction and liking for him. but how can I? He likes me, he attracts me and he just kissed me. How can I not like him? How can I stop myself falling in love with him? How am I supposed to?
I just can't. I should, but I can't. I don't want him to break Harry's rules, I don't want arguments, fights and more hurting just because of me.
Why can't life just be simple? I can feel aggravation growing in me at this question. Why does everything for me have to be so hard? Maybe if I wasn't Harry's sister and I had never met Liam life things wouldn't be so confusing and messed up right now. But I can't help who I am and I'd never not want to have met Liam.
I sighed, sitting down on my bed, and rubbing my eyes. I was so confused, my emotions and feelings everywhere and questions circulating through my brain. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. What am I supposed to do?
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Unless Harry is back I know it's Liam. I don't know whether he'll just confuse my mind more or whether it will actually help if he talks to me. I sighed, rubbing my eyes and clearing my throat.