I was woken up by Harry shaking my arm and calling my name. I rubbed by eyes, everything coming into focus as for a few seconds I was confused as to where I was. But then everything flooded back.
"Where are we?" I questioned, looking out of the window as we rode down a sandy track with trees either side.
"Nearly to the house" Louis replied to me and he looked excited. "Haven't been here for ages since I bought it."
I smiled at him, wondering just how big it was considering they were all rich, including Louis, and probably had enough money to buy big mansion sized houses. I sat up a little straighter, pulling back the sleeves of Liam's hoodie as they were too long and waiting to see what the house was like.
Soon the trees thinned out and into view came a big, no massive, house painted blue, with three floors and many windows. I stared at it eyes wide as i took in where it was situated which was on a beach where the sea was not to far away.
"Are you rich?" I asked Louis already knowing the answer as still I stared at where we were as the car came to a stop.
Louis chuckled. "You think?"
I laughed to, nodding as Louis opened the door and got out first followed by everyone else. As I stepped down onto the sand, cold wind hit me, causing me to shiver.
"I'm flipping freezing" I said, as the boys all looked up at the house.
"Not surprised" Harry commented then put his arms round me. "You can change when we get inside."
"Into what?" I questioned "all my clothes are back at your flat."
He nodded. "I know, security says they're bringing our stuff for us later."
"Okay" I replied, understanding now, as we headed round the side of the house and to the front of it where the front door was.
Louis was unlocking the door talking about how he had first priority over choosing his bedroom which caused some arguments between Niall, Zayn, Harry and Louis who were each trying to steal the keys from each other to see who would be the first in the house. I just rolled my eyes at them thinking them childish, turning to look out across the beach and towards the sea of tumbling waves causing the background thumping which was sounding all around.
I turned back around to find Liam watching me, not joining in with arguing over the keys. I looked back at him, as he averted his eyes stepping towards the others and managing to grab the keys from Louis who was being tackled by the rest.
"Seriously guys it's just some keys" Liam said to them trying to get to the door to unlock it.
"It's my house though" Louis moaned but he'd already opened the door and stepped through first.
Louis barged past, yelling "I have dibs on the biggest bedroom."
"In your dreams" shouted Niall taking off after him followed by Zayn and Harry who were both arguing with each other.
I laughed at them as Liam was shutting the door behind me. He said to me "you wouldn't believe they're not 3 year olds."
"Yeah" I agreed smiling to myself, and taking a look around. The hall was massive with a big staircase in front, and two doors on each side, the walls painted light blue.
I looked round at Liam who was looking at the floor with a moody expression on his face.
"Something wrong?" I asked.
He shook his head, and walked off past me, following the others up the stairs. I watched him go sighing and not feeling like I really wanted to go up stairs right now. Instead I turned around going back outside, closing the door behind me. Cold air hit me in the face cooling me down, as I started to walk towards the sea my hands in Liam's hoodie pockets, the sand scudding below my shoes.
I don't know what it is but I find beaches calming. It makes me feel free, the cold air hitting my face, the sound of the waves echoing in my ears and just that peacefulness. It helped me to calm down and try and forget why I was even here in the first place. I didn't want to think of Jason, seeing him had made me feel ten times more upset and full of emotions that it was hard not to start crying again.
I came to a stop, looking out towards the sea and sighing deeply. I felt scared, I couldn't deny it, I was scared. I'd always thought Jason's last words to me before he rushed off would be the last words I heard him say to me. I never believed he'd ever find me and I thought I was safe. But it turns out I was wrong, on both accounts. He found me and now I don't feel so safe anymore. I know that I got rid of things that may have had trackers in but I don't even know if that's how he found me. I just don't know.
It's scary thinking he's out there probably trying to find me again and who's to say he won't succeed but that's not all that's on my mind. There's something else, or I should say someone, on my mind. Liam.
I don't know what to think anymore. I really like him, he likes me but no, nothing can happen and we both know it. I kissed him this morning, I made him break the rules, I shouldn't have. I was so stupid, but the rules are stupid, I wish they weren't here but what am I supposed to do about it?
Liam can't break the rules, not over me, I don't want him to. I can't tell Harry his rules are stupid, they are just to protect me, they are for my own good, but I can't help feeling if only I told him his rules were stupid that everything would be fine. But nothing is simple though, I know that more than anyone and it wouldn't just work out like that. I'd have to tell Harry the reason I don't like the rules and to tell him I like Liam would be to hard, after all it's against the rules for me and him to like each other. But hang on I don't have rules, Liam's the ones with the rules. It's okay for me to like him secretly, but he can't like me, that's against Harry's rules.
It's like Liam said I don't have rules but he does. I make him break the rules or he just breaks them because he won't stop and listen to me telling him not to. I don't want rules to me broken because I'd dread to think what would happen. I'd hate there to be a fight between him and Harry, it would ruin their friendship, it would ruin the band and it would be all my fault because Liam breaks the rules because of me. It's all me. It's all my fault.
I sank to the floor, sitting in the sand and trying not to cry. It's like anything good will always be destroyed just when I'm around. Everything concerning me goes wrong and gets messed up and it's all because of me.
Mum died - because of me.
Harry got chucked out - because of me.
Dad chucked me out - because of me.
Liam break the rules - because of me.
It's all because of me. I'm the cause of everything going wrong. I'm why everything gets messed up and that's why everything is hard for me because it goes all wrong and I let myself get hurt. I've only always been hurting myself. I'm the only reason I cry, the only reason I get hurt. It's because of me that everything in my life has to be so difficult and confused. It's me. I'm the big problem in all of this.
And what's the point of staying here and messing up the others lives. I should have just gone with Jason then everyone would have been happy. Jason would be happy and the others would be happy that they don't have me lagging around ruining everything for them.
So why don't I just go? Why don't I get up, walk off and leave them? What's to stop me? I'm just messing everything up, so why don't I just go?
"I'll go" I muttered to myself getting up as tears fell down my face. I turned, shocked to see Liam standing there. I hadn't even heard him.
He looked at me concern all over his face as he looked down at me, opening his mouth to ask "go where?"
I was stuck for words, struggling with trying to breath calmly as I looked up at him salty tears in my eyes. He looked down at me softly, moving his hand to my face and pushing back some hair. "What are you thinking now?" he questioned.
I took in a deep breath trying to get some words out but not knowing really what to say to him in reply. Instead I asked quietly "what do you mean?"
"I can see there's something you're thinking, something on your mind that you think is going to sort it out" Liam replied as though he'd read my mind. "I've seen that expression before on your face. This morning in fact when you told me to go because you thought that was the best solution right then to stop the rules being broken. You had that look on your face when you're thinking something, and it's not making you happy."
I stared at him. How did he know me so well from just a look?
"H-How...B-but" I stuttered, turning away.
"Annie if you run away I'll only follow you and find you again" Liam told me.
"Who said I was running away?" I snapped, feeling my sadness turn to annoyance, sad annoyance.
"I'll go, that's what you said. I can tell that you might be thinking it, that it would sort it out, running away" Liam said softly, and I turned to look up at him.
"How can you be so..." I stared trailing off.
"So what?" he questioned.
"Understanding" I spoke.
"I'm not really, well maybe I am a bit ,but I was just guessing" he told me, looking me in the eyes as he then murmured "running away wouldn't sort it Annie."
"But I wouldn't be around to mess everything up if I did" I whispered, feeling tears drop to my cheeks as I looked back at him the thoughts I had been thinking swirling in my head.
"You're not messing everything up Annie" Liam told me, and he stepped towards me reaching out for my arms.
I stepped back not letting him touch me as I tried to wipe tears away. "This is my fault" I mumbled.
"What's your fault?" Liam asked, looking confused.
"This" I replied gesturing between us two.
Recognition came over Liam's face before he nodded quickly and told me "no, this is my fault. This is my fault Annie, and it has been from the start. If I'd just abided by the rules none of this would have ever happened."
Liam turned away, kicking the sand in aggravation. I neared him cautiously, reaching out gently to touch his hand. He seemed shocked at first, but when I'd put my hand more firmly in his he squeezed it back turning to look down at me.
"It's not your fault" I told him softly. "It's mine."
He shook his head. "No, it's mine."
I sighed. "It's both of us then."
He half sighed and nodded. "Okay."
"Liam" I whispered softly and he nodded. "Nothing." He cut across me.
"Can happen" he finished, pulling his hand from mine and turning back around again. "I know."
"I don't want the rules broken because I feel, well I know, I will make it out to be my fault. I've already done enough messing up with peoples lives" I replied, and then I sighed.
He turned suddenly. "What do you mean? You've messed no ones life up."
I bit my lip, letting tears fall. "I have."
He shook his head again. "I have Liam. I've messed yours up, I've messed Harry's up, I've messed up all of your five lives by being here."
"No Annie" Liam protested.
"Yes Liam" I snapped back, stepping away as he tried to comfort me. "I can't do it anymore. I can't."
"You can't what Annie? You can't what?" he asked desperately his voice raised.
I took in a shuddering breath and watched Liam as he tried to compose himself back to calm. When he had I whispered quietly "pretend anymore."
"Pretend what?" Liam muttered.
"I can't pretend anymore that I'm" I broke off tears splashing down my face.
Liam stepped forward towards me, looking like he was going to tell me to go on but before I could I whispered "okay."
He stared at me as the tears fell, and I took in deep shuddering breaths. "You're all always asking me, am I okay? Am I okay? I'm sick of it. I'm not okay, but how can I say that because I know you'll ask. You'll ask me what's wrong and it's to hard to say. There's to much to say that's wrong. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want everything to go wrong. Liam please..."
I broke off, before looking up at him my voice lowering to barley audible "help me."
He didn't say anything looking down at me, his face unreadable. "Please Liam, I can't take it anymore. I can't just pretend that I'm okay because I'm not. I hurt so badly and it won't stop. The scars just keep getting deeper and deeper and... I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I can't see a way out for everything to be fine, for my life to be easy and for me to be happy. I've had enough of my life being hard, I want things to be easy for once, I've had enough of things being difficult for me."
Liam was breathing heavily and only now did I realise he was holding onto me as I cried nearly falling over, feeling faint and weighed down by everything I had been thinking, all the thoughts loaded in my head.
"Why does nothing go right?" I whispered.
Liam was trembling, I could feel his fingers against my arms as he looked down at me and I noticed the tears at the corners of his eyes. He took in a deep breath, clearing his throat.
"Just because things have all gone wrong in the past doesn't mean that everything in the future will" he murmured in reply.
I stared up at him and into his dark eyes, feeling the tears stinging painfully in my eyes clouding my vision a little. "But it's like there's something wrong with me, like I'm just a bad curse making everything for me go bad."
"No Annie" Liam told me desperately. "Don't say that. You're not bad, you are good. You're a good girl who bad things have unfortunately happened to."
"But why is it all coming down on me. Why is everything messed up around me?" I replied.
"No one is perfect, everyone has bumps in the road, you just have a few more than others" Liam whispered his deep voice filling my head, his words sinking in.
"But why can't things start flattening out? Why can't the bumps in the road go away?" I asked, gripping onto Liam's arm as I felt more and more dizzy.
Liam held onto me tightly, looking down at me. "Because you won't let them, you're focused on trying not to get hurt, or to get anyone else hurt that you can't see what will make you happy. You won't let yourself get out off hurting, you won't take a chance to be happy. You can't get yourself out of your trap. You can't stop yourself getting hurt because you're hurting yourself."
"Then help me" I screamed suddenly.
"I've been trying" Liam yelled back, as I stumbled from his grip falling to the ground.
I gripped at the ground, damp sand below my hands as I cried my breaths so painful in my chest I felt like I was going to die.
"I've been trying to help you to be happy" Liam whispered and I realised he was kneeling down in front of me. "But you won't let me break the rules Annie, you're pushing me away. You won't let yourself be happy."
"I don't know how to get out of the trap" I breathed. "I've been in it to long, I can't see the way out. I can't see what will make me happy anymore because all I can feel and see is hurt and pain all around."
"Then let me help you. Please Annie, just let me break the rules, before..." he broke off, breathing out a breath deeply. "Before I give up on helping you."
I "I can't take it anymore" I muttered "I want to be happy for once."
He nodded. "I know Annie." Then I felt his hands touching my face lifting my chin up. "Look at me Annie."
"I am" I whispered.
"Let me help you" he told me looking me deep in the eyes.
I nodded slowly before answering breathlessly "help me Liam."
He nodded, pulling me closer into his arms and hugging me tight. "Just don't run away Annie, running away from things never sorts it out."
I nodded. "Okay." Then I looked round up at him, biting my lip anxiously.
"Yes Annie, what are you thinking?" he asked.
I sighed. "Can you promise me something?" I asked.
He nodded. "Anything."
"That you won't hurt me."
"I'd never ever do that. I promise you."
"And also something else. Can you promise me that we'll keep this a secret, I can't let Harry see you breaking the rules. Please Liam I'm going to let you help me, but I can't let your friendship die."
He nodded. "Okay Annie."
"Yes Annie I promise."
Then I smiled at him, a proper smile. "Thank you."
"No thank you" he replied.
I raised an eyebrow. "For what?"
"Not pushing me away this time" he murmured.
"I never wanted to push you away Liam, that was just the easy thing for me to do because I didn't know what else to do" I told him softly.
He smiled suddenly replying back "I know."
I smiled at him to and then he said "come on" as he got up pulling me to my feet to. "Your going to freeze to death in a minute."
I nodded, only realising now I had goose bumps everywhere and was shivering a lot. He put one arm round my shoulder and we turned together back towards the house.
"I have an idea to get you warm" Liam replied.
"What's that?" I asked and he gave me a cheeky grin in reply.
He then without warning started to run off, laughing. I rolled my eyes thinking that Liam was just like the others, a big, but amazing child who was totally crazy.
"Come on, do you want to choose a bedroom or not?" he called running backwards so he could look at me.
I laughed and then started running for him and he turned on his heel saying "I'm definitely going to get back first."
I smiled but told him loudly "I don't care 'cause after all first the worst second the best."
He gave me a disgruntled look over his shoulder, and then slowed down his running so he was jogging along next to me. "Is that the quickest you can run?" he asked.
"Maybe" I replied back. "I'm just cold."
He grinned at me then without warning divided at me, picking me up so I was in his arms. "Come on lets go and be first the worst together."
Then he started running towards the front door. I giggled and he smiled at me, looking me in the eyes his expression soft and admiring. "I love it when you laugh."
"I love it when you laugh to" I replied, and he smiled wider.
He then continued to smile slowing down his running just staring down at me as though he never would ever look away.
"See Annie, you're smiling, that's good" he replied.
I nodded and whispered back "you make me smile."
"And when you smile, you make me smile to" he whispered.
I smiled wider and so did he.
"Even when things seem bad a smile can change that" Liam told me.
I nodded. "That's why I've always tried to keep on smiling through everything, because I think it will make it better. But I've learnt now sometimes it's okay to admit you're not okay and let someone help you, then you can really smile for real."
"Your smile now, is that a real one or a fake one?" he questioned.
"Maybe a bit of both" I replied.
Liam nodded, then grinned at me lowering his head down his lips inches from mine. "Maybe I can change that" he murmured.
I nodded before he pressed his lips gently to mine kissing me softly for a couple of seconds before drawing his head back again.
I smiled up at him and whispered back "maybe I think it's real now."
"Shall I make that definite" he replied kissing me again before I could reply.
"Yeah, I think that worked" I replied.
"You sure?" he questioned.
"Why?" I asked, teasing him.
"Because I could do that again" he breathed.
"Yes, maybe you should, just in case."
He nodded beaming at me as he kissed me deeply holding me tightly in his arms. I hugged him back, feeling happiness and warmth flood through me like the blood in my veins.
When he pulled back I whispered to him "I think my smile's real now."
Liam nodded. "You sure?"
"Yes, I think so" I replied and he laughed suddenly his eyes twinkling.
"Are you just saying that to tease me?"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
He laughed again. "There's a lot of things you don't know. Like what I want to do again right now."
I giggled at this, rolling my eyes at his games whispering breathlessly "I know what you want to do."
"Do you?" he questioned one eye brow raised in question.
I laughed at him nodding my head nearly sighing as I told him "just kiss me Liam."
He nodded back. "Okay."