Later in the day we divided off, doing our own things again. I was sat trying to do my Maths homework as Louis and Niall were playing on the Xbox, shouting at each other about their brilliance. Zayn was sat watching them calling out instructions, Liam had gone off to his room and Harry had some how managed to fall asleep on a sofa all to himself even though there was a lot of noise.
I was on the last question of my homework question booklet, which unsurprisingly was the hardest question there was. I really didn't get it at all, and was sat leaning on my elbow staring at it and tapping my pencil.
"Need some help?" asked Liam's voice and I looked over my shoulder. He was standing on the other side of the sofa looking over my shoulder.
"Nah, I'm okay" I replied, knowing that usually when people tried to help I got ten times more confused if they tried to explain anything to me.
"You sure?" he questioned, climbing over the back of the sofa and dropping down next to me.
I nodded, trying to focus on the question but feeling particularly nervous that his leg was so close to mine.
"I think it's 24" Liam told me suddenly, after a few moments awkward silence.
I thought about it scribbling some calculations down and then nodded, smiling round at him. "Yeah I think you're right. Thanks."
Surprisingly he smiled back and his eyes lightened. My breath caught in my throat as I looked into his eyes. For once they looked slightly happy. It was as though through the darkness suddenly a little shinning light had been flicked on. I willed myself to look away knowing that I shouldn't have even been staring into them for even this small time.
I broke the eye contact muttering "sorry."
"It's okay" he muttered back, and I looked round at him the light in his eyes having been extinguished. "It was my fault again."
I shook my head at him, shutting my maths homework booklet and putting it on the coffee table with my maths textbooks. He didn't reply and I didn't know what to say anyway. I couldn't help it I looked round at him again. He was looking at the floor. As I looked over his face I noticed the bruise on his chin from Harry's punch and instantly felt more guilt come over me.
"Are you okay?" I asked suddenly, I don't know why I asked this sudden question, it was just his facial expression of moodiness and his dark, sad eyes that were making me feel like I really needed to ask it.
He didn't say or do anything, still not looking at me. I wanted him to say something. It was annoying him ignoring me when I was talking to him.
"Liam" I snapped suddenly.
This made him look round. "What?" he questioned darkly.
I looked away, feeling guilty and not actually knowing why I'd said his name like that. "Sorry. Nothing" was what I replied. He then got up off the sofa looking agitated.
I watched him as he walked to the other side of the room, picking up a cushion and whacking Harry over the head. "Wake up sleepy head" he called loudly at him.
I wondered why he was trying to wake Harry up. Why couldn't Harry sleep?
Harry grumbled turning away from Liam.
"Leave me alone" he mumbled.
"Get up!" Liam ordered again, hitting him again.
"No" Harry groaned back.
"Yes" Liam contradicted.
"Why should I?" Harry moaned, as he laid on his back giving Liam a dark look.
"It's not the time to sleep. You won't get any sleep at night if you sleep now" he told Harry.
Harry moaned sounding annoyed and tired, but sitting up anyway. I smiled to myself thinking Liam had a point and he was only being caring I suppose even if he had woke Harry up when he didn't want to be. It looked as though they weren't too angry with each other anymore. Hopefully they weren't.
I felt my smile widen as I looked at Harry's ruffled up hair, and sleepy eyes. I don't know what it is but I always found when he'd woken up that it made me smile. It was just a brother sister thing.
"What you smiling at?" Harry called to me, and I tried to get rid of my smile.
"Nothing" I replied, tucking my feet up in a crossed legged position.
Harry gave me a piercing look but I ignored it just smiling at him sweetly, as he flattened down his hair back into the right place.
"You finished your Maths stuff yet?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah finally, thanks to Liam." I smiled at Liam but he didn't return it as he was watching Louis beating Niall on the Xbox and jumping up to do a victory dance.
I laughed at Louis, as he started running around the room like an idiot.
"Did you see that amazing win?" he asked me, doing a silly waving thing with his arms as he circled round the sofa I was sitting on.
"Nope" I replied truthfully.
He pulled an offended face his arms dropping to his sides. "Not fair, you should have seen it." He stopped his victory dance all together.
"Sorry" I apologized giggling at the look on his face.
He then rolled his eyes, giving me a wink before going back to the front of the big TV where Niall was looking annoyed at being beaten. Louis was boasting about it and soon Niall and Louis were rolling around on the floor, having a play fight as Louis continued to go on and go about his spectacular playing.
I giggled again, as Niall was in the process of being squashed, demanding that Louis got off of him. Zayn was laughing, not helping the situation by throwing cushions at them and shouting to.
Liam suddenly walked across the room, he was looking like he was annoyed, and he gave me a look as he passed the sofa. I couldn't read his expression but he looked like he was restraining himself from something. I watched him as he stood in the doorway.
"What wrong?" I asked softly, as Harry watched him to.
"Nothing" he yelled suddenly then he left the room at a brisk walk. I stared after him wondering why he was so annoyed and what had brought on that sudden outburst.
I looked round at Harry who was staring after Liam too with a weird expression on his face. "Do you think he's okay?" I asked out loud.
"Yeah, I'm sure he's fine" Harry replied, leaning back into the sofa with a yawn.
"Should I check he's okay?" I asked, biting my lip anxiously.
"Wouldn't bother" he answered with a shrug.
I gave him a weird look, expecting better of him towards his friend. "That's not very nice" I said my thought out loud.
Harry shrugged and I sighed getting up and leaving the room. I walked through the kitchen, looking around for him. When I got to the hall he saw he was sat on the stairs, his head in his hands. I stepped up the stairs towards him, sitting down next to him on the step.
"Liam" I started softly, but he didn't lift his head. "Are you okay?" I asked next.
"I just can't help it Annie" he replied deeply not looking up.
"Help what?" I asked, looking at him concerned and curious as to what he was talking about.
He didn't reply, lifting his head, and looking round at me as he leaned on his knees. He was staring at me so intensely I felt myself getting awkward, blushing. He slowly lifted his hand to my face, brushing some hair away from my face. As his fingers touched my face my skin burned goose bumps erupting everywhere.
I tried to say something but my voice was momentarily stopped. He was so close to me now I could almost feel his breath on my face tickling me.
"Liam" I started my voice no more than a whisper. I didn't know what I was saying nor could I stop as my face was blushing so much I was feeling like I was going to burst into flames.
"Don't say anything" he replied, and his face was inching closer again. "I've been trying so hard to do what I said I would do, but it's practically impossible."
I tried to interrupt him but he shook his head. "Please just don't say anything. Please. Just don't."
"Don't what?" I breathed although he'd told me not to say anything.
"Attract me" he replied, then before I could stop him his lips were just millimetres from mine and he was almost kissing me.
"Don't" I whispered, but he didn't listen to me nor did I expect him to. His lips were almost on mine as he gently touched the side of my leg.
I was paralyzed for a second, but then the realization of what was happening crept up on me. I pulled myself away from him, sliding back so I was right up against the wall of the stair case. Liam still had his hand on my leg, and I pushed it away slowly, feeling like I was going to fall down the stairs.
Liam suddenly broke his gaze away. "I'm so sorry" he suddenly said and he sounded like he was going to cry.
I stood up, looking down at him, my lips burning like they were on fire even if he hadn't kissed me. I didn't know what to do or say to him. I was so surprised about the fact that he'd nearly just kissed me that I couldn't move.
He looked up at me, his eyes looking sad and his face looking in a state of true guilt. "Annie, I really didn't mean to" he was saying to me sounding desperate for me to understand. He stood up to. "I-I" he tried to say something else his voice shaking but broke off.
"It's okay" I managed to say, my voice quite and shocked.
"I'm sorry" Liam apologized again and he looked away looking seriously annoyed with myself.
"It's okay" I repeated not actually sure what to do with myself.
"It's just I can't help it. I just can't" Liam was saying, looking at his feet guiltily. "I keep trying to get you out of my head, but I can't Annie. I just can't."
I nodded. "What can I do to help you?" I asked quietly not meeting his eyes, not being able to.
"I don't know" he replied. "I just don't know. I can't help it Annie. When you laugh, when you smile, I just can't help being attracted by you. That's why I left the room because I feared I was just going to kiss you right then if you kept on giggling like that."
I looked up at him and sighed to, feeling awkward. "I don't like you Liam" I told him quietly, and I thought I saw something in his eyes change. "I'm sorry."
He looked down at his feet moodily nodding. "I know. I didn't think you did but I just kept telling myself that you might like me thinking that it made it okay for me to think about you like I am."
I didn't know what to say to that. "Liam, you can't. You're breaking the rules."
"I know" Liam snapped, then closed his eyes suddenly and blew out through his mouth calmingly. "I'm sorry. It's just the rules, I just can't not break them. I find them stupid."
I nodded. "I know you can't help it Liam. I've seen the way you look at me. I see it in your eyes, that little look."
"And I see something in your eyes to" he replied.
I looked up at him feeling hot around the face. "W-what do you mean?" I questioned my voice faltering slighting.
"That searching look" he replied. "It's like your looking for something. I don't know what."
I stared back at him. I didn't know what he was saying and I didn't understand.
"I don't get it Annie. The way you look back at me when ever you look at me, there's something there. You're lying" he carried on saying.
"Lying about what?" I asked, feeling a little annoyed now that I didn't get what he was saying.
"You said you didn't like me, but that look in your eyes when I look at you, it's as though you're happy, as though you like it when I look at you" he replied, not giving away anything in his face.
I felt hot and fidgeted, not saying anything.
"It's okay Annie" Liam replied. "If you like me, just say?"
I felt as though he was pressurising me somehow, and I felt dizzy at his closeness, trying to say something but not knowing what.
"I think I get it Annie" Liam said. "You don't want me breaking the rules, not over you."
"So that's why you can't admit it, because you don't want me to break the rules." Liam was smiling down at me, and I didn't like it. I felt so confused and like he was jumping to conclusions. I was getting agitated now, biting my lip.
"Liam please, stop it" I suddenly snapped.
"Stop what?" he questioned.
"Jumping to conclusions" I answered, and then stepped up onto the step above.
Liam looked down at his feet, dropping his smile. "I'm sorry."
"Liam, I just..." I stopped, sighing. "I don't know." I stopped then carried on again feeling braver. "Nothing can happen between us Liam, you know that. Don't break the rules please. Don't try to make me like you because you shouldn't. You really shouldn't. I don't want you to Liam, because I guess..." I trailed off.
"You guess what?" asked Liam looking like he wanted me to carry on.
"I can't stop myself. I can't stop myself from reacting to anything you do. When you look at me I have to look back" I told him, looking away from his face. "I don't like you Liam, at least I think I don't, but you're breaking rules and it's confusing me. It's like I can't help myself. I've been hurt badly by a boy already, I'm just not used to being around them normally, and you make it as though I should look back at you. You break the rules Liam and I make you break them." I paused for a big breath looking up at him. "And you can't. You shouldn't. I don't want to let you. You said you were trying not to but it's so obvious now you can't stop it, and I can't stop reacting to you. I'm making you break rules because I react and then you react to that and it just go's on. I'm sorry Liam. We both need to stop this."
I suddenly realised I was crying now. Proper crying. Liam looked stumped with anything to say, I didn't know whether I could say anything thing else either.
I then couldn't help myself, I dropped down to sit on the step, my head in my hands. I heard Liam sit down too putting an arm round me. "It's okay Annie don't cry."
"You were right. I was lying Liam." Then I lifted my head, looking at him through my tears. "I'm attracted to you to, but I've been trying to deny it to myself so you won't break the rules. So I won't make you break the rules. And now I'm just all confused. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think."
"Annie" Liam breathed my name softly, looking sad. "It's okay."
"No it's not okay" I snapped suddenly getting a surge of annoyance. "Why are things always so difficult for me?"
"No one's life is easy. For some it's just a little harder than others" Liam replied his voice deep and meaning full.
I nodded at this then sighed. "Liam, what's happening? I don't know what to do."
Liam shrugged. "I don't know. You've confused all my thoughts to be honest. I don't know whether you like me or not or what you actually think."
I nodded. "I know. I don't even know myself Liam. I'm sorry."
"Stop saying sorry" he told me, sighing but giving me a small smile as he then complimented "you're so nice to people. You don't want me to break rules because you don't want me and Harry to fight. That's sweet of you."
I smiled back, blushing. "Thanks."
His eyes looked that same lightened happy again, and I couldn't help it I stared back at him. Then I broke the eye contact. "Not again" I muttered.
Liam sighed, dropping his arm from around me and leaning his elbows on his legs. "I'm so confused right now."
"You're not the only one" I replied.
He nodded and sighed. I was trying to think things through in my head, but things were becoming to much to handle all my thoughts.
"Liam" I said softly, and he turned his head to face me. "I think we should try and go back to when we first met."
"What do you mean?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I want to go back to when things weren't so confusing" I replied.
He nodded. "Okay." I stood up and so did he.
"But Liam, try to stop yourself" I told him "don't make me react to you, please."
He nodded. "I'll try."
I sighed. Then muttered "I'm just so confused", before turning and walking off up the stairs. My thoughts and emotions were everywhere.
I didn't know what to think. I didn't like Liam, surley I didn't, but I couldn't deny the fact that whenever he looks at me I get that really good feeling inside. That's not liking him though, that's juts being attracted by him, which isn't the same thing, or is it?
I don't want to like him, I really don't, and truthfully I don't think I do. He just makes me confused about my feelings whenever he looks or talks to me. He nearly just kissed me to, that really didn't help at all. I don't want him to break Harry's rules because it would be my fault that they would get into an argument, probably fight each other and have a broken friendship. I just don't want more hurt in this world, to any one. I've had enough of sadness, crying and hurt. I don't want more emotional times.
I flopped down onto my bed, starting to cry again. I just can't seem to stop crying lately. Whenever I feel over emotional or very confused I just cry. It's a way to get some of the feelings inside out of me.
I cried for a bit longer, then deciding to stop, sighing and sitting up, taking deep breaths. I didn't want to think about Liam or my feelings right now, but there was practically nothing else occupying my thoughts. I sighed again rubbing my eyes free of tears. Everything was just so confusing, maybe I just need to start again with meeting Liam. I know that's technically impossible because we've already met, but I think I just need to clear all feelings towards him that may or may not be real and start off again with a clean slate. Maybe then I'd be able to see the truth in my feelings, if I start again and see what happens with my feelings towards him.
That's what I'm going to do. Try to get rid of the confusion, think of him as just a person, who could be a friend, then see what happens from there.
I actually smiled for once, thinking that for once I think I've come up with a kind of solution. Clear my mind and see more clearly what I think about him. I sat up straighter, and sighed again. Let's hope Liam would make it easy for me to not react to him, because if he doesn't I may just find myself back in a confusion state.
I don't want myself into a dilemma again. I just wanted things to be simple and for me to be as happy as I can be. I don't want Liam to break the rules either so that means that I have to not react which is part of this whole new slate thing. I just hope this is the right thing to do and that it is actually a good thing, and that I'm not just going a little crazy and not actually coming up with a good plan. Only time would tell I suppose.