I press the rim of my cup to my lips and let the cold liquid slip down my throat easily before setting it down again. My right hand lightly brushes the tip of my pencil across the page creating perfect lines that will soon add up to a decent drawing of the girl in my nightmares, Her hair flows down along her arms in my picture and she holds her head in her hands. I know it sounds cliché that im drawing the 'love of my life' and that 'shes my muse' but thats wrong. After Im done I pick up the pencil and laugh at myself, a real laugh because what is in my head was so perfect and what is not on the paper is a stick figure with what appears to be sticks coming out of her head in all directions. She is wearing a triangle, not a dress. One eye is bigger than the other and her smile looks like one that belongs to a snaggle tooth. She couldn't be the girl in my nightmares. This drawing is the source of my nightmares. Even though Im not an artist, or even remotely okay at drawings, Ive learned from it several details about myself and just life in general.
One, I very well have many things figured out from the deep thought I use. Saying them seems to be the hard part however. Its easy for me to do something as simple as wonder off in my train of thought and some how end up naming the biggest wonders of the world. I find this fascinating and incredible considering I have trouble answering questions or even naming people.
Two, we were all put on earth for a reason, sure over all that reason for us all is to continue reproducing so that us humans may end up more intelligent than ever expected.. but in a smaller perspective I refuse to believe that my reason for being born, my reason for surviving is to be miserable and forgotten.
Three, probably the quietest people tell the most in their story. No matter how stupid and worthless a person portrays their self, I guarantee that they know more, maybe not by a lot, but still more than you do or will ever know. I think its because we never get are words out for people to listen to. Instead they sit, and stir, and swell inside forcing us to think, and think, and think. Eventually it drives us mad and maybe thats when we do something viewed as morbid.. but some of us use the talent of art to describe our words. Thats what I've collected. Im not one of them, but thats what Ive collected.
I flip through the pages of the journal I found in one of my drawers after I decided to try drawing. Im glad I didn't do it in front of Ethan because that would have been embarrassing. The only thing on the other pages are math problems worked out and solved.
I pull out my laptop and set it on my lap. Might as well figure out what im gonna do about my classes.
First I read about teaching math, it seems interesting and time consuming but confidence is something I seem to lack in myself. Do you really think you will be able to figure out all of the problems and teach others how to do it also. Come on Harry you know it wont ever happen. Youre stupid. I rub my forehead then push my hair back away from my face.
I guess I could read about psychology. The idea of teaching actually sounds interesting, I would love to help people express their feelings and thoughts. The idea of helping and making a change is appealing.
Hesitantly my finger slides over to the confirm button and I close my eyes pushing it quickly so that I cant change my mind. Its official Harry, you're going to classes for communication, math, psychology and to become a teacher. I smile at myself, what if this is my official turning point? At least its a step in the right direction, I mean I could be doing nothing right now.
I feel a weight lifted off of my chest and in all honesty im so ready to start. Mum is going to be so proud, I havent talked to her in a while maybe I should give her a ring.
"Hello?" Her voice is sweet and almost buttery sounding through the speaker.
"Hello, Mum? Guess what" My smile is big as I flip on the tv and search the channels.
"What is it darling, you sound happy" she giggles and I laugh along because im sure its true.
"I put in my schedule for second semester and Ive decided to psychology and teacher training, I think im going to take an internship to work with kids with brain damage like me." Now I can feel her smiling even through the phone.
"Wow! Harry thats great! Are you excited? This is amazing to hear! Im so proud!" She is sniffling but its not because I've made her sad this time.
"It kind of just came to me I guess. I want to help." She says nothing so I continue. "Dont worry mum, its something I really want to do."
"Okay Harry, I do have faith in you. Your father and I love you so" She sounds like shes about to cry. I hope its just because of me and nothing is really wrong. "I have to go baby, I love you! Listen stay safe okay?"
What a weird time to end a conversation.. "Okay bye love you" With that the line beeps signalling shes hung up.
A few minutes later my phone lights up with a message from someone called Elizabeth. I slide my finger over my screen and read what the woman has to say.
Harry, realising that youre mother and father have probably not mentioned me to you, I have failed to call, My name is Elizabeth and I am Jennys mum. Before you get to thinking im upset or angry with you, please know that I am not. Actually what I wanted to do was ask you to dinner with Chad and I, we miss you very much being that you were so close to us only months ago. We love you (: "
My hear skips. I havent thought about anyone else caring for me other than Ethan and my parents. Excitement overwhelms my insides and I cant help but smile when I text back.
"That sounds great, is tonight okay? Thank you for texting me, you'd be surprised how little people have actually tried to connect with me."
Then again maybe this is all that was here for me to start with. Maybe the reason no one minds is because everyone who cares is here now.
"sure hun!x meet us in an hour at Dannys yeah?"
Ive heard of Dannys and I think I've seen it once or twice while I was walking around.
I get up and put on a red hoodie to prepare myself for the walk I'll be making. My hair is frizzed and flopps freely so I pull a beanie over it and shrug to myself in the mirror. Thats as good as its gonna get.
"Lets sit across from him dear, dont make him uncomfortable now" I smile and shake my head. Sure I dont really know them but im not uncomfortable. It actually feels nice to see new faces that are genuinely wanting to know how I am.
Elizabeth smiles and holds out her hand as does her husband Chad. Im not sure whos to grab so I hold mine out and let them fight it out. Its funny to see how nice they are trying to be, most people dont put forth the effort. I cant complain though, I wouldnt either.
"So how have you been kid?" Chad clears his throat and places his arm securely around his wife.
"All right. Ive been hanging out with ethan and um trying to figure out where I left off." I take a sip from my tea and stir it with my straw.
"Oh goodie!" Elizabeth claps her hands like a seal and wiggles in her seat. "Are you figuring out what you will be doing for collage, are you continuing math?" Shes a very nice lady I can already tell.
"Yeah I say, that or I want to be a therapist or something, I want to help kids that have damage as I do or have gone through loses you know" I rub my hands against my legs.
"Wow" is all that the lady says. "This is really good" Chad nods and continues to stare.
I smile. "Yeah well Ive decided Im not okay with everyone feeling bad for me. I want to be something great."
Elizabeth is smiling and nodding, I see the tears in her eyes and Chad tries to comfort her. I think shes happy.
To break our comfortable silence, a male waiter stands at the end of our table. "Hello, I'm Ryan and I'll be helping you today" He has a bright smile and when he looks up his eyes connect with mine and he almost has to rip them away as he swallows. Chad fakes a cough, I guess he also witnessed the awkward action. "Are you guys ready to order?" he looks everywhere but at me.
"Yes" I raise my hand to my face setting my elbow on the table. "I'll have the nachos please" without eye contact he writes in his book. "And for you ma'am?"
She looks through the menu one last time. "Can we have the taco plate to share" He nods and strides away.
Its hard to look back up at the two people with me. I feel embarrassed and defeated. I know that they saw him stare, we all know what he was thinking. Can I not even eat a simple dinner without getting eyed at?
We finally begin to converse again and I hear many interesting stories about trips I've taken and things I've seen. I find myself really enjoying my night with the Johnson's.
"Okay here we go" The waiter puts a plate down in front of chad and Elizabeth then grabs mine and puts it in front of me. Without saying anything at all towards me he walks away and meets with a girl across the restaurant, I stare at them a bit obsessively and do my best to read their lips. He looks over at me and laughs then she does the same.
"They are talking about me" I say casually pointing at him with my fork. "See him laughing and whispering to that girl. They are talking about how Im stupid now you know. They think Im special now." My eyes are wide and my mouth is in a tight frown. I feel tears but I swallow and push them back I'm shaking and mad at not only myself now but also him and her for thinking Im dumb enough to not catch on.
Mr Johnson swallows and looks at me speaking sternly. "Harry calm down now. There are gonna be people who talk about you and you have to be tougher than that. You're a fighter Harry so be stronger than him. I nod then shake my head.
"Excuse me, I need to use the restroom" I get up from the small booth and carry myself towards the boy. "Who are you" I spit in his face when I'm near enough.
He looks as if he's taken back and I laugh. Did he really believe I wouldn't do anything? His confidence is gained back as quickly as it left. "All that matters is I know who you are. Hell, the whole town knows who you are. You fucking sick, cruel minded, Killer. And now look at you, brain damaged, slow, alone, and eating dinner with the dead girls parents." My insides burn hotter with every word he lets slip. No thought had to be put into my fist flying through the air and knocking him in the jaw. His eyes narrow and he pushes me to the floor, slamming my head to the ground. I groan and touch it letting him punch me in the face over and over. I don't want to fight back anymore. Maybe I'll die and he will become a 'fucking sick, cruel minded, killer' as well.
It takes me a while to decided again that thats not what I want. with all the might I have I force myself over him and my hands clamp around his neck. My teeth clinch together and his face is turning red fast. I cant stop, I want to so bad but my hands keep pressing and his body stops fighting back. A large pair of muscles wrap around me and pry me away from the nearly suffocated kid. Inside I'm panicking and screaming, Im screaming at myself. Harry what were you doing! I cant hear. Everything sounds echoed and loud.. I don't think I can see either. Everything is blurred and muffled and soon I cant even feel anything. What is this? Whats happening to me? Please God, please, oh please help me.