Imagine you were happy, no problems too abnormally huge. The biggest one being something like your favorite shirt getting torn at the seem. Now imagine you find the perfect girl, now i'm not talking you any girl or some teenage crush that will only last for two weeks tops, but someone who actually has impacted your life so greatly that after they are gone, its physically impossible to maybe ever think correctly again. What if she was ripped from your hands and from your memory as well? How angry would it make you to not be able to grasp the concept of speaking, conversations that have existed and were so clear and present now are covered by a layer of mist that screams to loud for you to understand the stories the are trying to share. Who are you? Harry styles. That's what many faces will claim. Never being able to verify with your own memory who you are or what you are even doing alive is sickening, almost as if a timer is sitting above your head ticking down the seconds until you finally will be pronounced dead. This is why I sit paranoid and unable to get the rest needed to peel myself out of this suffocating home and into the real world. Who are the people who keep crying by my side, begging me to speak to them and say just a few simple words "I do remember you." That is all that need to be said to answer their prayers but I cant submit those words from my mouth until my prayers are also answered, why dont I know. A girls voice replays sweetly through my shocked head. Her laugh echos and starts over a few times then she whispers something that sounds like shes saying 'olive you' okay that sounds crazy. This is how I know that i'm in too deep. All of my thoughts hush for no more than half a second and a wale pierces through my damaged lobe. The once sweet voice screeches too loudly causing me to grab my ears and bite down hard. My eyes pinch closed and a tear rolls down my cheek. Whatever is stuck in my head needs to leave. Im terrified even though ive heard this same sound many times. This is complete nonsense, Im trapped in a coo-coo nest. Help me out, somebody, please.
My eyes stay glued to the baseboard that i've been watching grow a small coat of dirt for three days now. The couch I sit on is well heated from my laziness being planted nicely on it for a good two weeks. My dreadfully annoying phone gets bombarded by yet another call that I actually consider ignoring just as I have been doing, no need to stop now right? It goes to voice mail but soon the cracked screen lights up once again with the same caller.
With a more than dramatic sigh i'm picking up my phone and placing it to my ear. "What " I pout into the line unable to find a more cheerful greeting.
The deep sort of monotone voice breaks through the speaker truly separating me from my dark twisted mind. "Wanna come over?" I stay silent almost ready to cry for no reason, I'm acting like such a girl. I should just go to a bar and drink until it wouldn't matter what I knew. I could get shit faced and laid quiet a few times. I cant do that though, its irrational and would add a bigger mess to my plate. "Come on Harry, youve been stuck in your cave for weeks youre okay man! People are starting to think youre actually dead."
Words cant possibly describe the amount of anger he has just filled me with, I want to be dead so bad. Ive been pretending to be dead and I quite like it, to be ignored. "Well good for them" I say sternly doing my absolute best to swallow my anger. "I've been thinking it would be better that way wouldn't it? Wouldn't it save everyone's breath, energy, and time to not have to support a helpless case, okay and even if I do get up and do something for a change whos going to want to tell me what happened the past 19 years of my life? Because I wouldn't waste my time!" By the end of my lecture my voice is loud and booms off of the walls magnifying the moment by ten.
"Harry i'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that I just figured it would be better if-" I really couldn't care less about the remaining words that he is rambling on about. My nostrils are flared and I can practically see the lines etched in my forehead while my cheeks turn bright red from the flames just under my skin. My blood is boiling and I want to die. I hang up the phone making it clear I am incredibly angry. I pull my forehead to my knees and grumble to myself to try to keep from sobbing, it doesnt work. Im a mess and cant keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs. "I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself" I cry over and over again while jabbing my hand into my own leg again and again. I think that for now i'm just fine with being the dirty grouch that I am, I know that I wont be able to stay like this forever but I wont stress myself that now. This is only a dream, don't worry, if you sleep then everything will be back to normal. The lie is all to familiar to believe but it is my last hope to get the rest I am desperately needing tonight. I fall over still in a ball with my head to my knees and cry more. Please let me die in my sleep.
"Harry baby" a very light touch falls down to my shoulder and a small warm hand clamps shut around it shaking me ever so gently. "I made you a cup of tea and heated you up a pop tart, your favorite" a loving British accent sings musically. When I build the energy to lift my eyelids a middle aged woman is sitting up straight holding a small package and a mug. She has on a sweet smile and her eyes hold a golden brown color, nothing too captivating yet they seem to hold the key to life. Shes my mum, Shes been around everyday, I can remember the voice and scent that wafts around her. I'm not hungry at all but to avoid coming off as rude I take the pop tart and put a corner into my mouth. The food tastes like cardboard against my bland tongue and I spit it out almost immediately. Im ashamed of myself, everything I do is uncontrollable. Mom says its okay because Im depressed and cant deal with myself but thats not it, I don't think I'm depressed I think I'm dying. Maybe not actually dying but in some sense Im already almost dead I think. The life I had before is forgotten, Im not Harry Styles, Im the nameless monster stuck inside his dead body.
I know how hard she has been trying to make me happy and keep me going and I feel terrible for not meeting her halfway for not trying to help myself. I don't do anything about it though. Instead I sit like a bump on a log unwilling to move or eat. I just mope all day wishing for something good to happen. Of course I know nothing could possibly come my way as long as I keep myself caged up in this hell hole forever. Then I think what would happen even if I did go out? I know no one.
My mum shakes her head and puts the meal on the coffee table freeing her hands so she is able to sit beside me with her arms draped around my torso. She places her damped hair against my shoulder to rest her head and takes a massive breath in. "You're so strong you know." But i'm not, i'm skinny and weak from lack of activity and nutrients "No really you are" Its almost as if she can read my mind and every thought that passes through. "If I had lost your father the way you have lost Jenny..Forget about carrying on with life! So help me I would have went on strike from breathing. God, Harry what if I lost you! When I got the call that your car was found upside down and crushed on the side of the road, I had cried an entire river after the first minute i heard the news!" Her eyes are teary and the tip of her nose has reddened since I last looked at her. Ive caused her too much pain, whats wrong with me. She pushes her face into my neck as if to hide from all the misfortune.
I wrap my much larger arms around her catching her off guard slightly. This is the most affection i've shown since i've been awake and the electricity inside me sparks for me to pull her closer, to comfort her like shes been trying to do for me. "I'm so sorry mum" Its true, i'm so sorry for being so stupid and careless. I only know that I was involved in an accident that had my best friend and mate killed.
She lets out a breath that she seemed to be holding in forever, her sobs are muffled in my neck but are enough to tear me apart piece by piece. "My poor poor baby" she sobs loudly. She fists at my shirt. I can now see how much she is blaming herself, she doesn't understand that I have ruined my own life as well as someone elses. This has nothing to do with any mistakes she has ever nor will ever make.
"I'll try" I whisper quietly but i'm close enough to know she has heard me. She looks at me teary eyed, the trails of water down her cheeks are proof that she had been crying hard on my now wet shoulder. She nods, her lips are pressed tightly together and she hugs my head again.
"Okay" she says in a breathy way. It sounds more like a plead than an agreement. I wouldnt have done it not even five minutes ago, but for my mum right now, I stand up and nod once before walking down the hall into my bathroom.
I still don't want to do anything, I feel if I keep myself away from other people then I wont have to hurt them. I know I'll never be able to love again. Im not sure of how to really, I do remember basic words and how to speak of course, I can walk and could run if I tried most likely. Its hard to think clearly. Longer questions or requests I have noticed get mixed up and it takes me a few minutes to reply but its better than nothing. Like I said, I think i'm already almost dead, not completely dead. Yet anyways.
My hands fumble for the soap is the steamy shower. I have my eyes screwed shut in pleasure as the hot water pours down my body. I haven't taken a shower in a while since I decided to pretend like I didn't exist. I still feel like I could probably sit in my house forever and let people believe that I too died in the crash and my mum could just buy me groceries and the everyday necessities of a person I suppose. I know I would never be happy that way however, how could anyone be happy living in solitaire without a memory of how the real world even looks.
I get out of the shower and put on black jeans with a navy blue hoodie. My curls are long and outgrown, you can surely tell that I haven't been properly groomed in a good while. When I walk out of my room my mum laughs and waves for me to move towards her. She picks up a old beanie and motions for me to bend down so that i'm her height. Without a word she pushes it on my head so that it keeps my unruly hair from my eyes.
"You used to do this all the time when it was cold." She smiles and nodes once almost as if she were giving me permission to now leave. "We will get you a haircut soon" she smiles yet again.
"Thanks" I blurt before stepping out of my front door and hopping down my steps.
The air hits me as cold and kind of moist. I decide on walking instead of driving because I wouldn't trust my driving skills just quite yet. God, Harry where are you even going I grumble to myself under my breath. and kick at the side walk. My eyes wonder around the streets as I walk past couples holding hands and children pointing at dogs and squirrels, everyone is smiling and together happily. Im alone. My heart burns at the love everyone seems to share, everyone except me of course. I bet everyone is aware of what has happened because every once in a while I catch someone giving me a weird or mesmerized look. I wish people would just ask if they are so damn curious.
"Oh no! I'm sorry! Oh sorry! Sorry!" a high pitched squeal filled her air and i'm fast to follow the sound. A small girl chasing papers is trying her best to avoid rude people who don't do as much as move out of her path. I chuckle to myself quietly finding humor in her clumsy manor.
"Let me help" I laugh, not at her but at the situation I've already found myself in.The girl races after papers getting carried by the wind as I collect ones that have found a home on the ground nearby me. When she returns she has papers shoved and folded in her arms, she smiled at me and blushed slightly looking down.
"Thanks" she huffs. All of her brown hair besides a few pieces of outgrown bangs are pulled away from her face into a pony tail and a pair of glasses sat easily on her nose. Her jacket is big and she has on skinny jeans with an old pair of toms. "I'm Lauren" she interrupts me starring causing me to panic slightly.
"Oh, uh, hi i'm Harry" she holds out her hand for me to grab shaking it once before iIl take a few papers from her short arms. "Um do you want to go somewhere inside? I could help you fix your papers?" she gives me a smile and nods happily. My stomach flutters. This could be my first real friend.
"Id love that actually, I could probably use some help actually" she lets out a charming laugh as we begin to walk to the nearest diner.