I try to wipe my tears but when I do, more pour down my cheeks soaking my blanket. Ethan was just here before I fell asleep right? Where could he be? My hands fumble through the dark in search for my phone as my legs shake. I push my sweaty curls off of my forehead and pick up my phone pushing the circular home button. The time reads only 4 A.M. The next few minutes I spend rummaging through my flat in search of Ethan. Finally I dial his number and wait for him to pick up. He has to pick up I know he wanst just a fragment of my imagination, I do have a friend.
"Hey Harry, why are you up" his voice is sort of tired sounding. I say nothing. "Hello, hey are you alright?"
I focus on calming myself before I answer. "Yeah im fine" I decide its better to lie than worry him.
"Harry are you crying? What happened?" He sounds on edge now. I stay silent and listen to him whisper something to someone and keys clank together as a door shuts. "Im coming back okay. I went to hang out with Talia for a little bit I'm sorry"
I cant tell if I want him to come back or not. Nothing is fair, I'm scared and my heart is still racing but I know that explaining my dream to him will only sound stupid, I don't think anyone will understand how terrified I am. I hang up the phone and Stumble to my front door locking it, I want to lock him out, lock mum and dad out, lock everyone out of my life. How stupid was I to believe that I could just pick myself up and be fine in one day? My legs buckle underneath me, the floor is cold and hard but I stay there crying on it anyways. Why didn't I die in the crash, I wish it would have been me dead. Theres no way ill be able to continue on normally. My skull throbs as I scream into the carpet and hold onto my knees, my nails digging into them firmly. I ask out loud to die, no one can hear me, no one is here. I wish and wish to disappear and when that doesn't work I pray. Im still on my carpet after fifteen minutes but Im alone and thats better than someone seeing me this way. Im gasping for air, I cant breathe. I cant tell if I'm happy about this or scared, I'm scared to death. I wish that wasn't just a figure of speech. If it were true then I would have already died.
The knob of my front door rattles and I try to be quiet.
"Open the door Harry" Ethans voice is worried and impatient. I lie on the ground squeezing my eyes closed pressing my thighs to my bare chest quietly letting more tears escape. "Harry open the door damn it!" The knob rattles harder and he hits the wood a few times.
I wish I didn't call him. Hearing a real person talk rather than my imagination scream sounded like a good idea but now I don't care. I want to be left alone to be miserable. I hate myself, why am I so fucked up. Cant I be normal?
"Go away!" I scream through tears "Leave me alone!" I let out a whine loudly, it sounds deep and broken. He bangs on the door again. "Please just go away" my voice sounds hoarse and pathetic now as it cracks. I know I'm over reacting. I don't want to be alone, I'm scared and confused. I want my thoughts to be drowned out by something bigger and better than me. It seems I killed the only thing that was though. Im sorry Jenny I say. Please let me to Hell.
Everything is silent for a few minutes then I hear Ethan talking quietly outside of my door. "Okay please hurry" is all I can hear from the conversation. Im shaking and crying and its hard to remember why now that my thoughts are clouded. I can barely hear them over my sobs. My head pounds hard every time I breathe in. Im not sure how much time has passed but the tears keep coming. The voices are back now that its quiet. This time they aren't as chaotic. Instead theres one call for help at a time then screams take over again.
The front door is messed with again for the first time in what feels like forever. I figured he had just given up and left. My mum and dad rush in and I want to get up and run but cant find the energy to do so. Warm soft arms pull around me still shaking. "Oh Harry" my mums voice is shaky and breaks into a cry. I don't move. Just cry silently just as I did in my dream. My dad and Ethan stand in the hallway talking quietly. Somehow I already know its about me. "Talk to me baby whats wrong" she cries into my chest. Im much bigger than her, she is small with dark brown hair and eyes so alive. Even with her crying over me, one arm under my neck and the other on my stomach, they shine bright and glossy. I don't want to speak. Im exhausted and embarrassed. My eyes close under her touch and she calls for my dad to get bring a blanket to us. Im sweating and dont want a blanket but I cant even talk now. my throat feels swollen and hurts so bad. His rough hand smooths over my forehead and he whispers that he loves me but I pretend to be asleep. Her attention never leaves through the remains of my slumber.
When I wake up someone familiar is eating a bowl of salad on the coffee table beside me. Her eyes are glued to dr. Phil as he goes on about unhealthy relationships and how to get out of them. I sit up and look around. My Flat is clean and lit up, the blinds are all open letting in natural light that splashes across my damp carpet to the rest of the small space I live in.
She smiles and breathes in at the sight of me up and tearless. "Goodmorning lovely" She stands along with me and reaches up for a hug. She smells sweet yet strong. Its a comforting scent. By her voice and smell I register that its my mum. Ever since ive woken up from my coma I can recall familiar faces but cant match them to their place in my life or the name they were given. My sense of smell is very clear along with my hearing. I remember the doctor telling me that this is my body reacting to the temporal lobe of my brain being damaged well, its coping with what I lost. For now on its probable that ill rely on scents, clothing, and voices to match names and faces.
I walk into the kitchen and grab a poptart out of an open box on the counter. My dad hands me a glass and I thank him then pour myself some milk. "So wheres Ethan" I feel bad for completely ignoring him and locking him out last night.
My dad rubs the stubble on his chin and sits with the newspaper. "He's at work, don't worry he will be back later. He refuses to leave you alone" He looks over the paper and through his eyebrows at me. I nod and break the pop tart into four pieces shoving it all into my mouth at once. "Youre gonna choke son" my dad shakes his head, barely smiling.
"I'm not a kid" I joke with my mouth stuffed with food. I chug my milk then stroll down the hallway into my room and pull out a grey tshirt and a pair of black pants. I dont want to go anywhere today but I should at least take a shower and put some clothes on.
The water heats as I slide my pants off along with my boxers. My hand pulls back the curtain allowing me to slip into the heated water pouring down. My eyes close and I look down allowing the heat to spread all the way down my backside. The shampoo is applied to my hair quickly and I let it trickle out of my hair again. The water feels great against my skin, Ive been feeling cold. Not just temperature wise but just cold in general. I breathe in closing my eyes once again and run a warm washcloth over my body leaving a trail of soap. I moan at the chills it gives me, its something to feel without being too much. I let the water shut off and wrap a towel around the bottom half of my body. The mirror is fogged when I exit completely dressed.
"Hey Harry" my mum hums.
"Yes?" I reply back swiftly.
"Do you mind going to the store to buy some groceries?" Theres a pause and I know that she sees that I dont want to. "Come on I really think it would be better for you to start going out again at least once a day okay?" I sigh.
"Fine" I agree and take the list from her hands and slip my shoes on. "Ill be back" I announce before walking out of the door with my keys in my hand.
The air slaps me with a cold gust. I forgot to bring a jacket. I shove my hands in my pockets and begin walking, I passed the grocery store yesterday so I remember were it is. I watch my air come out in small clouds of white as I breathe. Im beginning to believe the cold is my only friend. Even though I cant stand it here it is, accompanying me always. I rush through the heavy doors to the store and grab a cart. Everyone and their dog seems to be here today. I weave in and out of people excusing myself when I almost run someone over.
After completing the list my mother had made I decide to buy myself a coffee at the Starbucks hidden in the corner of the store. I stand patiently behind a shorter girl. Shes looking down at a book and isnt paying one bit of attention to the line that is moving. She brushes her brown hair back behind her ear and jots something down in her book quickly. I clear my throat a little louder than usual to snap her back into reality.
"Oh! Im so sorry!" She looks back at me and as soon as our gazes meet her mouth hangs slightly open. "Harry" she asks softly. The higher pitched voice rings a bell in my head.
"Lauren" I gape. I'm almost tempted to pick her up and pull her into a hug. Its good to see a familiar face, other than that I'm not sure why Im so excited but I can almost guarantee she doesn't feel the same by the way shes pushed her lips into a hard line and crossed her arms.