"Hey," Justin taps my shoulder. "Hi," I smile. I'm confused as to why he's here. He is supposed to be going out with his mother tonight for whatever reason. I didn't ask.
"Why are you...?" I begin.
"I just wanted to say good luck before I go," He said. I nodded. "Good luck," He finally said. "Oh, yeah, thanks," I respond. He was about to go, but I stopped him.
"One more question," I say. He stops. He doesn't turn around. "How'd you get in the girls' locker room?" I couldn't see his face, but I knew he had that smirk on his face.
"I have my ways," He says. "No. Seriously,"
"I just slipped in. The girls told me you were the only one in here." He was about to close the door when he said, "Oh, yeah, Jamie said to tell you that they're also warming up already..." I jumped up out of my seat. "Just kidding," He laughs. I frowned. "They said to be out in ten minutes, though."
"Thanks for the report," I plastered a fake appreciative smile on my face.
"Anytime," He jeered.
"Have fun with your mom," I smirked.
"Hey!" He laughed, "My sister is going to be there, too," He muttered. I giggled a little. "I'll try to make it back before the game ends," he stated. "Oh, Justin," I began, "You don't have to,"
"I know," he smiled, "but I want to," He says. "I'll try. And if I don’t, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yes, I know this." He leaves, not saying anything else.
I shake my head, and leave the locker room myself. I walk into the gym. People were still crowding into the bleachers. The sound of our opponents speakers were squeaking against the gym floor faded in with the crowd's murmurs. "Hey!" Allie looped her arm around my neck. "About time you came out,"
"No volleyball?" I ask.
"Nope," She smiled. "Coach Neil cancelled practice," She explained shortly.
"Yeah, I'll see you after the game! Your number one fans are out sitting in the bleachers already." Allie pointed to Diane and Jon chatting it up with other parents. I laughed. "Make us proud, kid." She patted my back. "Of course," I winked. "Talk to you after the game,"
Two minutes later, we began warming up: Arm stretches, leg stretches- the whole nine yards. After the warm-ups, we huddled together to listen to coach give us our game plan and pep talk. "C'mon, Ladies," I said loudly. "We're undefeated. Let's keep it that way!"
"Let's do this!" Jill yelled as we dispersed.
The whole team cheered right after the buzzer went off. We won, 79-58. The crowd supporting our team went crazy. "Another win, ladies," Coach beamed, gathering us together again. "Just four more games until Championships," He said. A few more words were said. All either glorifying or critiquing us. Either way, I didn't care. We won. That's all that mattered to me right now. Jill, Jamie, Kimmy, Lauren, and the rest of the team separated, and we went our different way. Coach stopped me, before I could go.
"Farrah," He had said. "I didn't want you to get nervous about tonight's game, so I didn't tell you before the game, but I arranged for some scouts to come and check you out."
"Wait, what?" I was both shocked and exuberant.
"Two different scouts from very prestigious colleges came to tonight's game to watch you play. I invited them to come. After so many calls, two agreed to come." He turned me around. "Purple and Blue--" he addressed them by the color of their shirts,"-- are the scouts." They waved at me when they noticed that I was staring. I awkwardly waved back.
"Thank you so much," I turned around, and gave Coach a big hug.
"Don't mention it," He chuckled. "You deserve it. Blue looks like he wants to talk to you," He said. He patted my back, and pushed me forward gently in Blue's direction.
"Hello, Miss Farrah," She said. "My name is Sabrina," I shook the hand that was extended out towards me. "I don't want to waste too much of your time, but I just want to say that you played a great game."
"Thank you," I breathed. I was sweating before, and I knew that I was probably sweating more from nervousness.
"You are very welcome," She pulled out a small white business card. "Keep this," She handed it to me. I accepted it. "We'll have to keep in touch." She grinned. I nodded quickly.
She left without another word. I was practically jumping in my shoes. I did a little victory dance while her back was turned away from me.
"What up with the dance?" A pair of hands gently lay on my hips.
"That was a scout!" I exclaimed excitedly. I jumped out of Justin's grasp. I felt like I could do a thousand backflips, and a thousand more jumping jacks, and still have enough energy to run a mile. "Nice," He grinned. "Yeah," I said. I finally calmed myself to a minimum. I caged up my enthusiasm. I could hold it in until I told Diane and Jon the big news.
"I'll talk to you later," I smiled, walking away. More like skipping away, actually.
I grabbed my jacket, and basketball bag from the locker room, and began walking across the gym to reach the double doors that led to outside.
"You played a wonderful game, Farrah," Someone commented as I was walking outside.
I turned around. "Thank you..." I began to say, but I froze. It was her. My mother: my own flesh and blood. The woman who gave birth to me. The woman who wasn't even able to take care of me. My reckless mother: the woman too busy with partying to love me. The woman of whom I was taken away from. She was standing in front of me. I couldn't believe my eyes. She looked sober. No signs of alcohol were present. It was a miracle to see her sober.
I couldn't breathe.
"My dear, don't you look stunning," She tried to grab my hand, but I stumbled backwards just trying to keep her from touching me. She sighed. "I'm clean, baby girl." She said. A part of me wanted to believe her. Another part cringed at the sound of her calling me baby girl. Another part of me still didn't want to believe that it was her.
I still couldn't figure out how to from a sentence- forget about forming words and syllables for that matter.
"I've changed," She stated. "I even went to rehab and counseling. I saw a therapist. I did it all for you, sweetheart." I felt dizzy. This couldn't be happening. "I've changed." She stated again. I felt like throwing up. No words were in my vocabulary at that point. I couldn't say anything. "I've missed you," She continued talking. My mind was screaming to tell her to leave and never come back. I could just practically feel the bile rise in my throat.
"Don't" Was all I managed to say. She looked shocked. She was obviously expecting for me to say something different. I didn't know what to say, honestly. What was I supposed to say?
"But, princess," She said slowly. She tried to reach out to me again, but I moved back again.
She continued using the nicknames she used for when I was a child. Before I was taken away. Hot tears ran down my cheeks. I wasn't making any noises, though.
"I've missed you so much," She repeated.
I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out the double doors, outside.
Allie was waiting for me in her little Honda. I pretty much sprinted to her car, and once I reached it, I quickly jumped inside.
"Is everything okay?" She asked, obviously concerned and worried.
"No." I whispered.
"Do you want to tell what happened?"
I shook my head.
"Alrighty then," She put her car in drive, and drove off.
I looked in the mirror, and saw her getting in her car.
The tears welling up in my eyes started spilling.
"It's her!" I finally said, breaking out into sobs. My chest hurt. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The sensation of vomiting rose again. I made Allie pull over, and threw up on the side of the road. By the time I was done, I felt empty... in every possible way.
"She came to my game today," I said, after spitting mouthwash out into the sink. I didn't even say who she was. I just went on about what had happened.
Allie stayed in my room that night. She let me lay my head in her lap, while I went on about tonight. She didn't interrupt. She listened. I felt so childish the next day, though.
All I could think about was what I let Allie in on from my past. My demons were set free. Allie was the one person I've told-- ever.
"All I can think even think about is how all she did was get drunk off her ass. She had her good days, sometimes. They didn't come often." Allie rubbed my back as if she was mother, trying to console me. She just sat in my bed, my head in her lap, with her hand rubbing my back. "She was drunk almost every day. And if she wasn't drunk, she was busy getting high with Tucker. Oh, I'll never forget that day. That day I found her sitting on the toilet, and Tucker was injecting that shit into her. I almost beat the shit out him for doing that to her. But I didn't. I just yelled at him. He yelled back at me saying that she liked it, and that it wasn't her first time. He let me have it that day.
"He was an asshole," I whispered to no one in particular. "Now that I look back at it, I think I only kept him because he was that father figure I've never had until now. He paid for the crappy roof over our heads. He helped pay for the food and other necessities. The only problem was that he wasted most of the money on drugs to share with her." It disgusted me to even claim her as my mother. She has never been a mother to me. "Tucker wasn't always bad though. He used to be really good to me. He was the first guy to stand up for me when the other kids taunted me. He taught me how to fish. We'd go on picnics. We went from stupid high school love to this crazy one-sided abusive relationship- I hope that makes sense.
“I don't know what happened though. He went from the perfect gentleman, who could sustain a family of three, to an abusive asshole, who couldn't go a day without getting high. I always tried to convince myself that things would get better; that this would all blow over. It didn't. I don't even know how I even managed to keep my grades up at school, but I did. I was finally taken away from that hell-hole, and I jumped from foster home to foster home. Damn," I shook my head, "My life is crazy fucked up, and 'm only seventeen- close to turning eighteen."
"She was good to me when I was, like, four to eight occasionally. I didn't really understand what was happening to her when she came home drunk. She used to dress me up like a princess. My father left the day before I turned nine. All hell was let loose after he didn't return." I let out a deep breath. I didn't realize that I was crying, but I was. "God, I was so naive, huh?"
"Never did I ever think I was going to see her again." Anger boiled up inside me. "How dare she just decide to show up, and act like everything was okay. I don't ever want to see her again." Pure hatred seemed to be dripping with every word. "I hate her."
Another half hour passed before I realized that it was already 11:45 p.m. I turned all the lights off. I let the comforter engulf me. I felt restrained, but at the same time I felt free now I had no more secrets.
I was trying to go to sleep, but the crying just continued.
Three light taps on my balcony glass door were heard.
I didn't move for a second. When it didn't occur again, I closed my eyes. Then it happened again. I was more alert this time. I gingerly slid out of bed, and walked to the doors. I had to think rationally. If it was a murderer or thief, they would've just broken the doors and barged in.
I opened the door slowly. He was there. He was standing on my balcony. Why?
He looked so perfect. The moonlight shone on him perfectly.
"Care to let me in? I'm freezing my ass off out here." His perfect teeth gleamed in the night. He rubbed his hands together, trying to keep them warm.
I let him pass. I sniffle a little, and wipe my wet cheeks. "Why are you here?" I ask my voice cracking.
"You're crying," He states. He says that, and I break out into sobs. I don't know what's happening or why I'm even crying. Justin catches me before I fall to my knees. "Shh," He combs my hair with fingers trying to get me to get my sobs to a minimum.
"It's okay," He whispers. I want to say it's not. It's not okay. It's not okay that she knows where I am. It's not okay.
He gently lays me down on the bed, and covers me with the comforter, when my weeping has just come to stray tears falling. Even then, he wipes them away.
I hear him take his shoes off. He gently lies next to me, and holds me.
He pulls me closer to him.
He whispers soothing things into my ear.
I melt into him.
He's still whispering things to me. I don't believe most of it. He doesn't know the half of it.
"Allie said that I should come over," He says, quietly, answering my question from before. He tries to lighten the mood and says, "I told you that I'd come, anyways."
"You made it by like five minutes." I mutter back. "It would've officially been Sunday if you waited any longer."
"Smartass," He mumbles, nuzzling his face into my hair. I surprise myself by not moving away. I stay. I can't tell if I'm staying because I need this, or if I'm not moving because he's the one I need.
omgosh it's been like forever since i updated but i made it long bc you guys deserve it. (it was ten pages on microsoft word. longest chapter. update i've ever written) i hope it makes sense, and that you guys like it.
1. HAPPY belated EASTER! i hope you had a great easter.
2. i'm finishing up my research paper that is due the may 6th O.o
3. i was also confirmed friday! :D im so excited for school to end. i just have to last until the 16th.and then i have a class trip to st. louis. whoop whoop! haha. sad thing is, that exams are coming up. :/
4. i come back on monday for exam reviews and then the next week is my last week, but exam week.
5. in conclusion, idk when i'll be updating bc exams and shit, i'll try not to make ya wait a month tho
it's 3 am so imma go to sleep bc church in 9 hours.