How to be popular at Hogwarts – A list by Draco Matilda Malfoy
Hey my bootifawl little unicorn-lovers!! It’s me again, the oh-so-pizzalicious Draco!!!! Now, I’ve been thinking that, as the most popularest boy in Hogwarts School of Pizza Appreciation, it is my duty to share some of my fabulous-making advice.
-Date the hottest girl in school, and give her an amazing nickname such as ‘panseywanseywoowooismylifeilovehersomuchbutnotquiteasmuchasunicornsbecausethatwouldbeimpossiblebutveryverynearlyasmuch’
-Write the bestselling novel, ‘101 ways to kill a mudblood’.
-Have a broomstick that is better than snothead’s
- Get some Pinkalicious Hair Extensions; only 10 Galleons from ‘The Witches Well of Goods’
-Be the runner up on Witch Weekly’s greasiest hair of the year competition (first prize went to Snapeywapey.
-Be forever known as the guy who beat McGonagall’s giant chess set (whatever you heard about Potty, Mangy and Weasel is sooooo a lie)
-Be an honorary model for ‘Mini Witches Muggle Make-up’
-Be the Dark Pizza’s favorite henchman (btw I am a way better henchman to him that Crabbe and Goyle are to me)
-Give Henchman 1 and Henchman 2 awesome nicknames such as ‘Scab and Boyle (pronounced 'boil')’
- Learn how to walk with sass (like me) -for tips, come see me in the Slytherin common room. I’ll teach you how to strut the corridors in style.
-Almost, ALMOST get the boy who sucked expelled for helping his giant, hairy friend smuggle an illegal dragon.
-Get 372 likes on your facebook profile picture. I mean, come ON
-Have Pansy Parkinson get down on one knee and beg you to marry her in the middle of the Great Hall (and no, this so totally wasn’t the other way around).
-Reject Harry Potter’s handshake
- Send round a petition asking Professor Dunderbore to buy a school unicorn
-And, finally, the most important tip of all; BE. ME.
If you follow these steps, you're on your way to being the most popular kid in Hogwarts school of Pizza Appreciation! But of course none of you will EVER be able to complete it, as you aren't nearly as pizzalicious as moi! But nonetheless, all the best, my little pizza-eating-unicorn-luving-hair-extensions-wearing-minions!