Ok, so Professor Binns assigned us an essay on history. I was a bit preoccupied resting my eyes (or in other words, dozing off) in class so I had no idea until I heard that Granger screaming at Weasel to do his history essay. It's pretty straight forward, so I have no idea why she was breaking her head like a banana over it. Yes, I know that made no sense... but I love bananas. Ok? So leave me alone! Anyways... I basically have to write about the history of something... right? Well, here's what I came up with.
History... a seven letter word created by some boring idiot with no life. What is history? It is a subject that is completely unnecessary for school students. What are we going to do with knowledge of what a bunch of dead people did years and years ago? Is it going to help us get a job? No... unfortunately Pizza Hut's job application doesn't mention anything about old stuff. Will it help us bring The Dark Pizza to power? No... that's future planning, not past learning. Will it at least help us buy ourselves a unicorn pet? A BIG FAT NO! Unicorns are cute and fluffy and fun. Not dull and boring and old, like history. See? History is USELESS! But here's my essay on the history of English, anyways.
English was created a long, long time ago by someone with a super tiny brain. He had created the world's weirdest language. Seriously! You don't believe me? Then tell me, are eggplants made of eggs? Are there any pines or apples in pineapples? What kind of a person creates a language in which noses run and feet smell? I'm telling you! This is RIDICULOUS!
And if you still don't believe me... here's more history for you. The guy who created English clearly wanted to make life humorous for people. I read that a person of that kind is called a humanitarian. That sounds an awful lot like vegetarian... doesn't it? Vegetarians are people who eat vegetables. Wait a second... so humanitarians eat... oh dark pizza.. See! English is crazy!
Besides, why is quicksand called 'quick' when it works slowly? Why does a house burn down when it burns up? Oh! Here's another example. The other day, I was filling out my job application while filling it in. Does that make any sense to you? Why is it that when stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are not visible?
Goyle says this isn't a history essay. Why not? I'm pointing out the errors of history! Isn't that history enough for you? Professor Binns, if you're reading this, I want you to know that history is a waste and instead of History, there should be a Unicorn Magic Class, or a Dark Pizza Magic class, or... or... or... Tips-On-How-To-Ask-Your-Crush-Out class! ANYTHING BUT HISTORY! YOU MUST BAN HISTORY FROM THIS WORLD! No child should ever find the need to go through a boring history class ever again! Got it?
Goyle rips this out before Draco can turn it in. Unfortunately Professor Binns doesn't get to read this. You are the only ones who have read it, except Goyle and Draco himself. History has NOT been banned, do don't get your hopes up. :)