Just a quick message to remind you that I’ve been SUCH a good boy this week – Slytherin beat Gryffindor at Quidditch!!! All down to me, obviously!
I am still waiting for my ‘One-week-sleeping-without-Monsieur-Snugglebum’ certificate; it’s late this week.
From the bestest mini-pizza eveeeeer,
DRACO MATILDA MALFOY, I AM VERY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!! So angry, I’ve had to take off my pinkalicious hair extensions and put on my BlackDevil ones. And do you know how angry that is? VERY!!!!!!!!!!
I just received THISSSSSS!
<Forwarded from @DumbyDaBumblebee>
Dear Mr Lucius Abraxus Malfoy,
I am writing in accordance with a matter deeply concerning; the recent behaviour of your son Draco.
According to several of Draco’s class teachers (who shall remain nameless for their own protection) have told me of some disturbing matters. Last Tuesday, Draco attempted to blackmail one of my staff into killing a fellow student whom he called ‘Snotty Scarhead’. Apparently, your son threatened to have his pet unicorn attack said teacher and ‘take away his sparkle’ should the teacher refuse to do as he say.
Also, your son has persuaded several of his fellow Slytherins into forming a club called ‘the Mini Pizza Eaters’. This group has attempted to violate a number of Hogwarts School Rules, including the ban on hiding Unicorns under the beds, and the ban on wearing sparkly pink robes.
There is also the matter of Draco’s schoolwork, much of which he has failed to complete on the grounds that he was ‘too busy making glittery friendship/henchman bracelets for Scab and Boyle to do your stupid Defence Against the Dark Arts homework. Why aren’t you just teaching us the Dark Arts? That would be way more useful’.
I hope you will speak to Draco, and discuss how he might improve matters.
Headmaster of Hogwarts, Order of Merlin First Class, Witch Weekly’s Sexiest nose etc
From: Lucinda Malfoy
WTH DRACO?! You ONLY did these thing?! What did Popsicle tell you about annoying the Head Master as much as possible?!? The next time he emails me with a complaint, I at least want to hear that you've threatened DUMBLESNORE HIMSELF with the idea of you leaving his school forever! Boarspots, the wizarding school for boars with spots, would be happy to have you. And then Dumblebee and all his Hogs with Warts will be sooooo jealous that you don't go to their school anymore, they'll do anything to get you back!!!!!