Dear my wonderful, fantastical, unicornalicious fans,
I know that many of you believe that I have been neglecting you and ignoring you, by not showing you any more of my pizzatastic scrapbook. And I'd like to say to you, that these claims are ALL TRUE. Yes. I admit it.
However, there IS (of course) a reason for this. (Popsy-Wopsy says I have a reason for everything!) The thing is, I have recently been crowned The Lord King High Majesty Draco Matilda of Unicorns, despite the fact that I'm not a unicorn myself. Yes, yes! It was all the Dark Pizza/Rainbow Onion's doing! He was soooooooooooooooooooooo proud of me for ruining his entire plan to kill Potty Poo Head that he crucioed the unicorns into making me their master, and then bought me a ten trillion years of free Pizza Hut vouchers!!!! Aren't you jealous?
Of course you are!
Natuarlly, everything I just told you is absolutely 100% true.
There is NO WAY I would lie.
I swear on my unicorn throne.
Mountains full of love (Is there anything bigger than a mountain?? Well, apart from Hogwarts of course - but that's how much I lurve Pansy and I lurve her more than ANYONE... Oh dear, I'm getting sidetracked again...) ,
From Draco Matilda Malfoy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
P.S. - The real reason I've been gone so long totally isn't because The Dark Pizza/Rainbow Onion was actually for some reason very cross with me for ruining his evil plan.
P.P.S. - And because he was so angry, punished me by giving me a unicorn and then making me kill it.
P.P.P.S. - Which traumatised me for several months, and made the small problem of wetting myself even worse.
P.P.P.P.S - Which even made Popsicle angry at me.
P.P.P.P.P.S. - And the worst thing is, that Pansywansywansywoo felt so sorry for me, she didn't even have the heart to hit me.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Which made me wet myself and cry even harder.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S - So all the above P.S.'s totally didn't happen, and I totally HAVEN'T been a traumatic snivelling wreck for all the time i've been gone.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - And even if the P.S.'s ARE true (which they absolutely aren't. Unicorn honour.) I am feeling much much better now.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S - Becuase Pansy felt so sorry for me that she kissed me and agreed to have another date!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - This is a lot of P.S.'s.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Okay, I think I'm going to stop now.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Bye!
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Oh, and remember to reply soon! I want to hear from every one of my unicornalicious fans!!!!!!
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Actually, I should probably think of a name for all of you guys. In fact, I DEFINITELY should. Yup. Okay, I'm going now.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Like, for real.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Please try and restrain yourself from crying.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - You know, because you're all obviously so upset that I'm signing this letter off now.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - I'm so not getting annoying at all.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - Okay. Bye then!
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx