Rule One: They say the way to any woman's heart is through hypnosis, right? Well that's the first thing you should do.. If only Snape's mind control lessons hadn't been a joke...
Rule Two: Show up to the date in styllleeeee!!!!! No, not on a fancy broomstick... Just glue a cardboard unicorn horn on your head and GALLOP all the way to her house to pick her up. And, you could even bring her her very own cardboard loo roll tube ERM... UNICORN HORN too!!!
Rule Three: Show her that you're totally NOT clingy and definitely have other options by saying: "Hmmmm, the unicorn who asked me out yesterday was a lot thinner. And prettier. Your face is okay though.... I guess..." That'll make her love you even more!!!!!
Rule Four: If that doesn't work, change tack and tell her your true thoughts, "Wow, I can't believe I got a date with a real person!! I can't wait to tell my mumsywumsywoowoo this when I get back!!"
Rule Five: And, if you want to go for a real conversation starter, try something like : "So,what do you want to name our kids? I've been thinking something like Draco Junior..... Or maybe Unicornella?" And because she's obviously thought about this as hard as you have, she'll immediately have a response!!! Unless her name is Pansywansywoo that is... If it IS Pansywansywoo, try approaching the subject and a chair will be hurled at your head in approximately three seconds... #Speakingfromexperiancehere!!
Rule Six: Show her who's boss by being REALLY rude and condescending to the Pizza Hut Staff. Your date IS at Pizza Hut, right?
Rule Seven: Ask if it's alright to call her Popsicle! Then she'll know that she means as much to you as a flavoured ice stick!!!!! Yay!!!!!!
Rule Eight: Talk about unicorns, how unicorns are so much better than her and why unicorns are the AWESOMEST thing ever. Also, don't forget to talk about unicorns.
Rule Nine: Invite the Dark Pizza (Don't know who that is?! You are SO behind the times!!!) to take pictures of your most memorable moments to put in your family scrapbook, on display at the Ministry of Magic. Don't forget to include the snaps of your date slapping you in the face, your date asleep of utter boredom and your date slapping your face AGAIN when you wake her up. Oh, and that one of you crying in a corner because she says she hates you.
Rule Ten: Don't forget, if she tells you she hates you and never wants to see you again and then storms out of the date early, that's ACTUALLY code word for "I love you so much Draco please marry me because we are obviously destined for each other!!!" Well duh. What else did you think it would mean?!!
Next Steps: After she leaves the date early, run after her screaming that her loo roll/ unicorn horn has fallen off her forehead and would she like you to stick it back on again? Also, for some reason it's crumpled up in a corner. With her boot print on top of it suggesting she's stamped on it... How weird, you know she'd never do that... Strange forces must be at work...