“Is it what you would have chosen? Dauntless?” Four hadn’t been talking much, he was showing me different weapons which he had brought from Dauntless, I had thought it was unusual that they would just let him leave with them, but I considered his ‘leaving Dauntless’ a touchy subject for him.
“I don’t know, I never made my decision,” I hadn’t talked to anyone about my aptitude test but I sensed it was about to come up ,
”Well what faction did you have aptitude for?” he asked seemingly oblivious to my shaking hands,
“I didn’t have an aptitude for a particular faction,” Four’s eyes slowly left the sharp knife I was holding and locked with mine,
"You’re divergent?” I didn’t know how to answer him, Tori had told me being divergent was dangerous, but I trusted Four, so I nodded my head. He looked at me then and I knew we had something in common.
We fell into a routine, wake up, eat with the group, and then leave for the rest of the day. We found certain rooms that were far enough away from the rest of the group that we could be alone. Four trained me as any Dauntless initiate would be trained. He knew my weaknesses and helped me fix them. By the time we had been factionless for about a week I never missed a target when throwing knives and could hold my own in a fight. Four was amazing, I was completely in awe of how swiftly he could move, he dodged and ducked and left me spinning aimlessly around the floor. However, he never hurt me. His strong hands held me if I was about to fall, corrected my positions before I threw and every touch sent shivers through my body. “Why did you leave?” the question had been floating on my tongue since I’d met Four and I had finally plucked up the courage to ask him ,
“There was nothing to keep me there,” simple, to the point, just what I had expected.
Four and I grew closer; we rarely talked to anyone in the group aside from each other. I felt so safe with him; I wanted to be with him as often as I could. So, one night as we were returning from the newly named ‘training room’, I made one of the bravest decisions I ever had, as Four turned towards his usual sleeping spot I didn’t head in the other direction to mine, I followed him. I couldn’t tell if he noticed my change in direction, it was dark and I could just make out the outline of his body moving before me. I became so engrossed in watching him move I had forgotten to watch where I was going, I tripped over someone’s head and was heading straight for the ground. Four’s hands pulled me towards him before I felt the impact of gravity. He pulled me against his chest and steadied me. I was in shock from being so close to him, in Abnegation, it was frowned upon to hold hands with someone, never mind be seen clutching onto their chest. I felt every inch of him pressed against me, his long fingers splayed across my lower back, my hands flat against his chest, my head resting just below his chin. I slowly raised my head to look up at him and found him staring down at me; he pulled me closer until I felt his breath on my face. He leaned down, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine. I was so shocked it didn’t fully register in my mind, but I found myself kissing him back. I was lost in his perfection, I was taken aback by how comfortable I felt in his embrace, every part of me had longed to be near him and now every part of me buzzed with happiness.
Each night after training, Four and I would lie together on top of a few blankets, we didn’t talk much but it was never awkward. It took a while for me to get used to being so physically close to someone, it was like changing he habit of a life time, but he never pushed me, he seemed to understand. One day when we’d taken a break from training I decided to ask him something that had been bothering me,
“Where did you get your name?” he laughed to himself,
“Not a new question, one of the new initiates asked me that just before I left,” he paused, thinking to himself, “If we were in Dauntless I could show you,” I looked at him, confusion clearly present in my face, “I would have shown you my fear landscape,” now I had no idea what he was talking about, but luckily he was about to explain ,”As part of initiation to Dauntless, each initiate will goes through a series of stimulations testing their fears and how they react, at the end of it all they each go through their own fear landscape and are forced through situations that they fear the most,”
“So what does that have to do with your name?” I asked, trying not to be confused by all the new terms,
“Well it’s a nickname my instructor gave me, Four, because I only have Four fears,” I gasped, how can a person only be afraid of four things, and yet it seemed fitting, my brave Four, I wondered what four things could scare a man who seemed fearless.
It was easy to lose track of the days here, unlike most of the group Four and I hadn’t been given jobs yet. Four was 18 and so guaranteed to have to work, but because I was only 16 I only had the chance of a part time job in a factory but it was unlikely because my wound still hadn’t healed, and I was considered a liability. So each day when the adults of the group left, we were alone, aside from a few factionless children and whoever was taking care of them. We usually used this time to train or Four would teach me more about Dauntless, but on this particular day, Four had a different plan. As I made my way towards the training room I saw him leaning against the wall outside, because I had become accustomed to our routine I was immediately curious. He held in his hand a black, Dauntless hoodie which he handed to me. My left arm was still quite sensitive and even after this time it continued to bleed, so Four helped me put on the hoodie, his touch still had an effect on me that I hoped would never wear off. “How would you feel about a trip to Dauntless?” he whispered mischievously. Straight away, I knew that I would do anything this man asked.
We walked for quite a while until we immerged from the factionless sector and I began to see familiar grey houses, “Do you think I could-““No” Four interrupted, clearly guessing my plans to visit my family, I guess it was smart not to see them, I had seen how Caleb reacted to me and I wasn’t sure I could handle more people I loved being ashamed of me. We walked past many houses until we reached a train track, from the distance I could hear the low rumbling of the rails, I looked at Four and immediately knew his plans, we were going to jump onto a train. I’d watched the Dauntless children jump on and off trains outside school many times before and I had imagined myself joining them but I began to shake in fear. “You’ll be fine,” Four said reassuringly as he took my hand in his. He began to run and I followed, gripping his hand tightly, then I saw the train. It wasn’t going to slow down for us so we just kept running, “When I say jump, you jump ok?” he shouted of the noise, “Ok,” I shouted back. The train approached at a unbearable speed, ”JUMP!” and we did. Four jumped and I followed behind, we flew into an open cabin on the train, he pulled me towards him and we slid to the floor, I couldn’t control myself and I laughed. We kissed on the floor of the train, hidden in the low rumbling.
I never stopped to consider why we were going to Dauntless, I just trusted in Four who seemed quite nervous to be returning to his old home. He pulled me off his lap and we stood, “We’re going to jump off ok? It will be fine just hold onto me,” I grabbed his hand and he laughed down at me. The train didn’t slow at all and I looked out to see the roofs of buildings flying past us. I gripped Four’s hand tighter and he pulled me towards the edge. He began counting down from 3 and when he got to 1 we flew outwards and I landed hard on the flat roof of a tall building, again I laughed and Four did too.
“Well the next bit’s easy; we just jump off this building ok?” I hadn’t talked much since we’d left the factionless sector but I was about to change that,
“Hold on a second Four, we can’t just march our way in here! Neither of us are Dauntless! And you expect me to just jump off this roof without any explanation to why we’re here?” he looked at me and I instantly regretting shouting at him,
“I need to show you something, you’ll just have to trust me ok?” I thought about it for a second, who was I kidding, I’d follow him anywhere. Four led me to the edge of the building and we jumped.
We walked quietly through the Dauntless compound, Four leading the way. The paths were narrow and a huge pit loomed below us. I could hear the sound of a river in the distance. The place was quite empty aside from a few Dauntless walked around the pit. Four led me to a ladder which he told me to climb as he followed behind, we exited the pit and came into a large glass building and we still kept moving. We came to a small dark room with walls covered in graffiti, the word Dauntless was spray painted in red to my left. Four went over to a computer and started typing something in, he appeared with a little box, he opened it and I saw two large needles, “Do you trust me?” he asked, I nodded and he brought one of the needles to my neck, I felt it plunge into my skin and then the room disappeared.
I felt the wind hit against me as the light poured in from all around us, we are standing far above the city. To me, it was beautiful, but if it was here it must be his worst nightmare. I grabbed his hand and looked him in the eye, “We have to jump off right?” he nodded,
“Ok, on three...one....two....three!” I pull him towards the edge and we run, we fall towards the floor and the scene disappears. Four gasps for breath beside me,
”What’s next?” I ask, something slams into my spine and pushes me towards Four, who’s sitting on the ground. Walls appear around us, the space is so narrow we are forced together. A ceiling slams down on the four walls and Four groans. “Confinement,” I state. Four grimaces and I look at him, “Here, it’s okay-“ I guide his arms around me so he has more space, he grips my back and I can hear his heavy breaths beside me. “I have to face the fear” Four’s words sound strained and I understood what he meant, we had to make the space smaller. So I curled into a ball, my back against his chest,
“This is worse, definitely worse” he says. He slips his arms around my waist and I smile to myself. “Feel my heartbeat,” I tell him, to try and calm him down, “Feel how steady it is,”
“Your heart’s racing Beatrice,”
“Well that has nothing to do with the box,” I reply. “Tell me why you’re scared of this?” I ask,
”Um...this one’s from childhood. Childhood punishments, the tiny closet upstairs,” he mutters, I blink back tears imagining the poor boy locked in a closet, I couldn’t imagine someone hurting my Four.
“I think I love you Four,” I whisper, before I’ve realised what I’ve said the walls around us break open.