4. chapter 4
Sorry for not updating. I haven't felt like this story was good and I've been busy. I'll try to update often if you guys like it((:
My self harm was worse. I was cutting every single day, and I hated myself for that and because I was fat and ugly and I couldn't even keep Harry around. Everyone tried to be understanding to me because it was clear I was depressed. Although I was constantly cutting my scars weren't so noticeable. I didn't cut very deep because I couldn't have people thinking I was still self harming. A few weeks after I got home from the hospital Harry tried to contact me but I wouldn't answer his calls. He was my first love and he hurt me. So badly. The first couple of months after we broke up were the worst of my life. My mom was scared because I was eating less than I had before and I wouldn't leave my room. No one knew what to do. Ryan was there for me at first but had to leave to go to college. I was surprised at how much time had gone by. During school I kept to myself. I lost all my friends because I wouldn't talk to anyone anymore. I know what everyone was thinking. They didn't understand how him breaking up with me could cause this kind of a reaction. I never actually told people this but I wrote it quite a lot -I wrote sometimes to try and keep the pain away-. Before Harry I was broken. I was hurt and he came into my life and helped me back together. I was somewhat mended by the love he gave me. But when he left it was worse. He took away the love I had gotten used to having making me even more broken than before. I couldn't tell people that though. I couldn't have my mom getting me some therapist who would try to say they understood when they fucking didn't. No one did. No one did because no on e was me.
Seeing Harry at school caused too much pain. I had to transfer and my mom understood. Although he was my neighbor it's not like I ha to avoid him. I never went anywhere. At my new school people tried to make friends with me but I pushed them away. I don't know why but I did. Boys would stare at me and I wasn't sure why. I mean I was ugly and fat. Ugh.
Some days were worse than others but I just tried to move past them. I was basically in a black hole that just kept getting darker. My second year of high school I got a boyfriend but he broke up with me after only a few weeks. I was too lifeless. Haha of course. It's not like I didn't try to tell him that. Oh well. I spent most of my time alone in my room listening to music. I found out that when we were about 16 Harry left to audition for the X Factor. He made it and is in some big boy band famous around the world. Well at least he's happy. Not that it mattered. Not that he mattered I would always tell myself when I found him caught in my thoughts. But I couldn't always fool myself. I would sometimes listen to his music because even after all this time and pain his voice calmed me. His band was good and I found myself becoming a slight fan. I had quite a bit of their music on my phone and I listened to it a lot. I tried not to let myself think of Harry and how much I missed him. But I did.