I rush to my office with Harry behind me. I shut the door loudly and huff.
“Maybe I should go” Harry says and points at the closed door.
“No, don’t go. Please don´t leave me.” I add but he shakes his head.
“I have few meetings today I have to-“ he replies and makes a few steps closer to me. Then he plants a soft kiss on my cheek and leaves.
This didn’t happen. Matty ruined it. He ruined everything what hasn’t been already fucked up. My head is suddenly filled with pictures of James. I can´t shake them off.
*547 days before*
“Maybe if you would have tried a bit harder then-“ James starts again. My head is hidden behind my bent knees, hands are trying to hold the weight of the world and my head.
“Let it be. Please” I reply and look at him. His eyes are red and I can tell he is drunk.
“You know I won´t” he adds and sits next to me.
“Look I am not telling you are not trying but-“ he continues but more calmly.
“I am trying, James! I don’t know what more I can do so your friends would like me. I even went out for one cig when Matty asked” I add and wipe a tear down my cheek. James leans closer to me and take my face to both hands.
“I am sorry” he ads and starts kissing me gently. I feel the electricity between us vibrating through my legs to my hands. I even shake a little. I pull away a little and watch his features softening. His blond hair contrasts with green eyes even more now. I can see wet stains on his shirt from my crying.
“No I am sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up” I tell him and kiss him again. I can´t tell if I am completely in love with him and this is what it feels like making love to someone you love. However this kiss doesn’t stop until we are poorly clothed in his bed.
On my way home I recap every second of that night. I remember how much trouble Matty had caused when James was still here. He had a problem with me. I was too posh for James. At least that´s what he had told him. But then things got better and Matty and I became friends. I suddenly crave James´s reassuring touch so much.
I rush to my apartment quickly because of the rain. My hair is enough wet so I take a bath. I put on some dry clothes lying across my bed and turn TV for a background sound.
This is the most lonely I have ever felt. James, Matty, even Harry finally made their mind that I am not worth it. This how it´s supposed to be. Girl with dead boy in her head- it doesn’t sound good. I am not surprised that Harry backed away. Everything about me is just one fucking mess that even I can´t deal with.
I am not even sure when I have fallen asleep but it´s 3:14 a.m. and TV is still on. I turn it off and put a blanket on my shoulders. It´s suddenly so cold in here. Then I realise the window is wide open. I opened it to listen to rain falling but I guess I have fallen asleep with the sound of it in my ears. I briefly check the street above my window and then II recognise the man walking around nervously.
He suddenly looks at the window and sees me. His hair and clothes are totally wet. Why didn´t he stay in his car.
“Harry?” I whisper and shout at the same time.
“Why aren’t you picking up your phone?” He shouts back angrily. I reach for my phone on the table and see 14 missed calls all from him.
“I am coming downstairs” I reply and point down. What does he want? An apology? For ditching on me? I put on the first thing I see on a hanger and run downstairs.
It´s dark in the hallway and my mind quickly reminds me to turn the light on. When I open the front door the first thing I see is Harry´s look on his face. He is broken. I can see the anxiety streaming his body mixed with regret and despair. Wow.
“I haven’t heard the phone ringing-“ I start but quickly stop when a tight hug cuts me off. He is hugging me with all his strength but I do my best to pull away.
“You left me even when I begged you not to” My voice cracks in the middle. I lean against the door two steps away from him. Harry backs away and look around ready to lose it in any minute.