Song for this chapter: Roses by James Arthur
I quite despise him but his album is so sick.
The thing about happy life is hidden behind happy moments. You never look back and say “Oh I have a pretty happy life“. No, not at all. Moments make your life happy. Just specific moments that never leave your mind. So basically, where I am going with this is the fact that do what makes you happy now. This is the moment for your happiness. You don´t have the whole life to find happiness, just these seconds passing every time you inhale the fresh air, seconds that bring all moments closer to you. That´s all I can think about when I look at people around me. They rush to work wearing high heels, they wait at the bus stop wearing suits, they carry trolley through the supermarket isle, they go to church and pray for their beloved. They do things because they hope that one day it will all come to them as a return. They are actually very stupid. How do they know they will wake up the next morning? They don´t but they still do things like in a vicious circle. All I want to say is that their moments are passing and they are wasting every second of them. Life is hard and blue and fucking ridiculous so all what´s left is this second and the next one. Stand yourself up, go out, spend the money on good food, smile at yourself in the mirror, hoover the carpet, kiss him, slap him or whatever. Do it now, till you have this second and the next one.
73 days before
“Are you sure?” I tell him with my eyes widen, my morning voice cracks in the middle of my response. He shakes his head with the laughter that brings smile to my lips.
“I am sure. I love you and I want to love you forever” he replies, his hands holding mine. He is still kneeling in front of me so I lift him to me.
“You know that you don’t have any ring here with you, don’t you?” I tell him and giggle. I can´t actually find the right words so I just mess around. I want to reply on that question so badly, but my tongue doesn’t let me.
“Just answer me, yes or no?” he says and I can see the insecurity behind his eyes.
“Yes-” I take a deep breath and stand up from bed “-y es, I will marry you.”
His eyes suddenly turn smiling at me, his whole body joins the happiness and my hands wrap his neck around.
“I love you” he whispers to my ear and I just enclose my nose to his white shirt. This is the happiest moment of my life, I tell to myself.
“I love you back” I reply and break the hug.
“Promise me something” I whisper even though I know we are the only ones in the whole apartment. He nods and waits for me to finish the promise.
“Don’t ever take the I love you- back. Love me forever” I add and feel the heart in my throat. He takes a deep breath, his hands traveling my back.
“Never. I will love you forever” he replies in smooth voice and I let myself lean against his tighten hands on my back. Then he kisses my lips and plants a few kisses on my revealed shoulder.
49 hours after
When I entered the apartment, the TV has been still running but everywhere else was dark. I guess he let it on when he left. The bedroom still smells after his cologne, the shirt he was wearing for a PJ is laying wrinkled under the bed. It can´t be true. I feel him here. It´s not true. I am falling on my knees in disbelief. I suddenly forgot how to cry, how to take a breath, how to live. I am sitting in the middle of the apartment, still wearing the coat, saying nothing and probably looking like a wreck. He can´t be dead. He just can´t. He is the only one who can´t leave me. Not now, not ever. I-I-I have to cry. Suddenly my watered eyes spot the note on the table. I quickly run to the table, grab that note and let my heart beat in my head. I recognise his writing right away:
I have no idea where to start. I regret even starting with letter. I know I owe you more than a stupid letter but I don´t know how else to tell you how much I tried. I tried so fucking much to be good for you but I guess I got sick of it. It was matter of time when you would leave me so I am doing that for you. I can´t live like this Noel. I can´t pretend I am ok when I am not. There was always something behind your smile, I could feel the pity hidden in your looks. You pulled me right off the blue and I am pulling you now. I am a bad person and your kindness and love won´t change it. You will find someone who will deserve your love and will cherish you like I couldn’t. I am a quitter, I know. But I can´t continue with this anymore. I love you more than you can imagine and I will probably regret my decision the moment I´ll end up my misery but it seems like the right solution now. I know it´s not the bearable one for you but for me it is. I can´t do it any longer. I can´t. I will still love you forever though. I am sorry.
So he did it. I half smile, the anger is pulsing in my blood system the second I tear that fucking note and throw it around me. He killed himself for feeling bad? How am I supposed to feel now? He throw himself out of the bridge because of the pity in my looks? I want to scream at him. Throw pillows at him and laugh after. But I can´t. I just fucking can´t cause I won´t see him ever again. I was going to marry him in 3 months. My existence is fucking useless when the person I loved kill himself with the thought of me in mind. I can´t live without him or just with the memory of him. I want to take a pill and sleep for 40 days, or just hide in my bed. I want to take that fucking pill just because of him. James was drug addict in past but he got through it. At least I thought so. What´s left for me? Drink myself to death? Huh? I guess you wouldn´t like to see me as a quitter, James, would you? I don´t know. I just don´t know anything.