"let everything happen to you.
beauty and terror.
just keep going.
no feeling is final."
( rainer maria rilke )
Been a lot of places
I've been all around the world
Seen a lot of faces
never knowing where I was
On the horizon
Hmm and I know I know I know the
Sun will be rising back-
"Oh my gosh will you shut up!"
Poking his head out of the kitchen he pouted.
"What. You don't like my singing?"
"Harry. I'm trying to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. You're being loud. I can't hear. Stop it."
Scoffing he turned around and went back into the kitchen.
He's been in there for the past hour 'making breakfast.' He insisted since I was letting him stay at my place, which I never actually agreed on.
Right when Kim started to ugly cry and Kourtney was making fun of her Harry called out.
"If you want it come and get it.." Quietly he sang: "Na na na na."
Shutting my laptop I got off the couch and walked into the kitchen.
On the counter there was a huge pile of waffles.
"You plan on eating all that?" I asked with my hand on my hip.
"No. Were going to eat it." He said smiling at me.
I went over and sat down by him only to have him smack down ten waffles in front of me.
We quietly ate together I silence, asking for the syrup here and there.
I was still thinking about what he said earlier. 'I will love you.'
After he said it we both kind of just slumped back onto the couch. We just laid there together in silence for a while.
I got up to take a shower after about an hour of silent cuddling.
I came back into the living room and Harry told me he was making breakfast.
And now I'm here. I don't understand why Harry decided he needed to 'fix me.' As he said. He's Harry Styles. He can literally have any girl in the world. But yet, he's deciding to waste his time helping a dumb suicidal girl.
Interrupting my thoughts he says,
"You have a doctors appointment at three."
Looking up at the clock I see it almost ten.
I seriously do not want to go back to the hospital. The hospital means you have a problem, that you're not normal.
Yes, I did try to commit suicide. But I have plenty of logical reasons. In my point of veiw, life just really isn't worth it. Sure. It can be amazing at some points, but those good parts of your life are balanced out by the bad ones. For me, my scale seems to be tipping more towards the bad life.
Getting up I take my dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Harry follows, adding his before continuing to clean the kitchen.
I help him, as it is my apartment.
Getting a rag wet I start to wash off the counter before Harry says,
"I was thinking, maybe we could go do something after your doctors appointment?"
Not really wanting to, but not wanting to be mean, I say,
"Yeah. That would be fun."
Looking pleased, Harry continues,
"I'm going to go back to my place, get changed and maybe pack a few extra clothes. I'll pick you up at 2:15 and we can go?"
"Sounds good." I say smiling back at him.
I walk him to the door. Before he leaves, he opens his arms for a hug.
Raising my eyebrow at him, I step into his warm embrace.
We stand there for a few minutes, not wanting to make it awkward, I say,
"Harry. You should-"
Interrupting me with a groan, he takes his chin of my head were it had been resting.
"I'll see you soon."
Shutting the door behind him, I walk into my room. Collapsing on my bed due to pure exhaustion I whisper to myself,
"How do I even deserve someone like Harry?"
Not as a lover, but as someone whose willing to put up with me. Someone whose willing to break down these walls I've so carefully built around my heart.
He's willing to heal my brokenness. He's willing to do whatever it takes. And I don't deserve that.
To the ☾and back.