Stockholm Syndrome

Life is not like in the movies. You don't wake up one day and know exactly what will happen and just realize your dreams. Sometimes you can't even influence things. The tumor was spotted when I was fifteen. I'm eighteen now and it's time to say goodbye. But not because I will die, no. It's more than this. It's time to say goodbye, because I'm starting a new life... But not like I planned it. At first everything feels like a dream, but suddenly it turns into a nightmare and all I can do is watch. I can't explain why, but all at once I'm caught between where I am, what and especially who I want. Life is hard. There is love, hate, loss and happiness, but am I strong enough to stay and say what's on my mind?

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11. Nightmares And Philosophy

HARRY

I pulled her closer to me and took a deep breath. This was everything I ever wanted to reach since the moment I had known from her existence.

I slowly rested my head upon hers and she cuddled a little closer to me, clenching a bit of my shirt into her little fists. I tried to concentrate on the movie again, but I couldn't. Hell, I didn't even try probably.

Grace snorted quietly and a small smile crept onto my face. I wrapped my other arm also around her and pulled her even closer to me. I closed my eyes, enjoying this moment. Without noticing, I slipped into sleep.

 

"You're such a dirty liar!," she yelled and  threw a plate in my direction, but I bend down before it could hit me. "How could you ever do something like this?! I am so disappointed of you!"

"Mom, I'm-"

"No, Harry! No words can ever make this up! I didn't raise you to the person you are now!"

"Mom, please...," I tried again, but she just threw a vase after me. I bend down again and covered my head with my arms.

"Enough," someone else's voice appeared.

I looked up and Grace stood next to my mom, holding her back before she could throw another thing at me.

I couldn't classify Grace's facial expression. She wore a white long dress, high heels and her skin was paler than ever. It was like a slight shimmer emanating from her.

Mom started crying and the plate she wanted to throw at me, slipped threw her fingers and fell with a loud sound to the ground.

"G- Grace," I stuttered and she looked at me, but her look didn't change.

"Look what you've done to me," she said with a cold voice. Slowly I got up, lowering my arms.

"What I have done to you? I- I don't understand," I said.

Why did I stutter? "Because you are afraid," a voice whispered. What? Why was I afraid of what she would tell me? Why was I afraid of the girl I loved?

"Oh, Harry," my mom cried out and wrapped her arms around herself. "Stop talking to yourself, please! Stay here, I'll get help for you!" 

Mom ran out of our living room and I looked confused after her.

What the actual fuck? I wasn't talking to myself. I was talking to Grace.

I looked back to her and shrieked out. I didn't hear that she was moving; Grace stood in front of me now and somehow, she hovered me by a few centimeters.

"What is happening?," I asked with fear in my voice and she smiled slightly. "Why- why is my mom acting so weird?" 

"She is acting like this, because she knows that karma's here to get you," she said.

I furrowed my eyebrows and asked "What?" 

I shook my head. That's was crazy. What was Grace even doing here? This was my home, my mom's house, not Gracie's and mine in the woods.

"You killed me, Harry," she said and my eyes widen.

"What? No! No, I would never do that! I- I... Grace!," I screamed out as her face changed.

Her eyes turned black, her lips twisted into a grimace and a high laughter escaped her mouth.

I stumbled a few steps back, but couldn't move any further. My back hit a wall and immediately some ropes wriggled around me. I looked down at me and then back to Grace.

Her white dress had changed into a dark black one and wings grew out of her back. Wings with burning black feathers. She raised her arms and our living room started burning at its edges.

I screamed out again, but not for long; my lungs were filled with smoke already and I couldn't breathe correctly.

"And now you're getting what you deserve," Grace said with the same monotone voice. Abruptly she dropped her arms and shot towards me.

 

I opened my eyes, out of breath, and run a hand trough my curls. It was not real.

I quickly looked around me. I was in my house in the woods, it was dark and the TV was still on. I swallowed and looked down on me. Grace still cuddled with me, was asleep and looked like an angel. It was not real; it was just some kind of twisted dream.

"Oh, God," I mumbled and swallowed again.

My heart was racing and my hands were sweaty. I tried to breathe normal again and rubbed my eyes. Just a stupid nightmare without any deeper importance.

My back ached and I could imagine that it would only get worse, if we would stay on the couch. I slowly took off Grace's hands from my chest and got up without waking her. Then I bend down again and picked her up like the one time, when she was crying on her floor, when she couldn't move her limbs, because she was tied down to her bed.

Ropes wriggled around me. I swallowed as I remembered parts of my dream.

"Not real, not real" I mumbled and carried her to her bed.

I lied her down and tried as best as I could to cover her with her blanket. I gently removed some strains of her hair out of her face and she sighed.

"Don't leave me, Harry," she mumbled and I stiffened.

"I- I'm here, Grace," I said and she stretched her back, before she turned around.

She was still asleep. I was talking to a sleeping girl, great. Maybe I had become crazy.

I went back to the living room and looked at my phone. 6.43 am. I had a few text messages and read through them.

 

FROM: LOUIS

Great show, mate. She absolutely bought it. Time to gain her trust, I believe in you x

 

FROM: MOM

Have you moved in with Louis and Eleanor without them noticing? I'm just kidding, miss you at home, darling. Take care, don't get any girls pregnant and show up some times xx

 

FROM: NIALL

Are you still writing on your new song? Julian & John want to record it in two days, finish it

 

I decided to ignore Louis' message and text them others back. People need to stop worrying about me. 

 

TO: MOM

Don't worry, I'm not on my own. Will be at home in a few days, miss you too xx

 

TO: NIALL

Yeah, don't worry. Going to finish it today, I'll be taking some time for me

 

I switched off the TV and looked out of the window. It was slowly getting brighter outside and I definitely needed some sleep, otherwise I had no chance of finishing the song I was working on. 

I turned my phone off, locked the front door, now that I wouldn't lock Grace's anymore, and went to my room. I took off my pants and shirt and slipped into some comfy shorts.

When I crawled into my bed and closed my eyes, I heard a sudden scream. I tear my eyes open again and jumped out of bed.

"What- what happened?," I asked, as I turned on the light in Grace's room. She looked at me horrified and started crying.

"What's wrong? No one's here," I said, after I looked through her room. Grace and I were the only persons in here.

"It's- it's just a nightmare," she cried and a rock fell off my heart.

"It's okay, I'm here," I said and went to her bed, pulling her into an embrace. She wrapped her arms around me and sobbed.

"Do you want to talk about it?," I asked and she sobbed again.

"It was- it was mom and dad and they- they laughed at me and Xander and Cassie joined them and then they- they started kicking and hitting me and I- I couldn't do anything," she said and sobbed.

"Shh," I said and tried to calm her. I stroke her hair and she started talking again.

"And then Niall showed up and- and held me to the ground and- and started to undress me..." 

I stiffened. Even though it was just a nightmare, the thought of Niall annoyed me. He knew something and now Grace dreamed of him. He wanted to rape her. I swallowed. 

"Niall's not here, he won't touch you. He will never have a chance to hurt you. I will always be there to protect you," I said and she nodded.

I rocked her slightly and Grace sobbed again. She took deep breaths and after a couple of minutes, she was calm again. She leaned back and slowly took her arms from me.

"You're safe. There's no reason why you should be crying some more," I said and she nodded.

"Sleep well," I wished and kissed her forehead. When I wanted to leave, she reached out for my hand and I turned around again.

"Stay," she said. "Please. I can't be alone." I smiled slightly and nodded.

"Give me a moment," I mumbled and she lowered her hand.

I locked my room and turned off the light in hers again. Slowly I made my way to her bed and sat down on the chair next to it.

"What are you doing?," she asked and I frowned. My eyes got used to the darkness and I recognized a few shapes.

"I'm spending the night with you?," I said, but it ended more like a question.

"You can't sleep in that chair. Come here," she said and patted on a place next to her.

I got up and she moved aside, so I could lie next to her. I swallowed as she put the blanket over my naked chest. Grace moved a few inches back to me and closed her eyes. I could only stare at her, my body couldn't relax.

"Why are you afraid of touching me?," she whispered, after a few minutes had passed and I was still laying there with wide eyes.

"I, uh, I'm not," I said and she opened her eyes.

"Am I not anymore the girl that you wanted?," she whispered with a husky voice. 

"What? Why?," I asked confused.

"Because you're not trying to come close to me... You've distanced yourself from me, Harry," she said and yawned.

"That's not true, Gracie, and you know that," I said slowly, but she shrugged her shoulders.

"I have no one, Louis is right." 

"No, no, no, he's not! I'm here," I whispered and crawled a few inches towards her. "Let me hold you in your sleep." She bit her lip and smiled sadly.

"Only if you really want to, you don't have to do it," she said and I chuckled slightly.

"That's the thing I want to do every night for the rest of my life," I said and her smile got wider, before she yawned again.

 

The second time I woke up this day, I'm lying in Grace's bed. My head was behind hers, I could feel her hair tickle my nose. Our fingers were intertwined and my stomach touched her back.

I yawned and kept my eyes closed.

What an awkward night. First my weird nightmare, which I can't remember, then her nightmare and she talking about being alone, and now I wake up with her like... this. She'll probably be out of her mind, when she wakes up.

I opened my eyes and tried to move away from her, but her hands only squeezed mine tighter. I tried again, but she didn't release me.

"You're not asleep, are you?," I asked with a chuckle. She sighed and I raised my head to kiss her cheek. Grace wrinkled her nose and opened her eyes.

"It's just so comfy," she explained and looked at me with her big blue eyes. I smiled and took up my previous position again. At least she wasn't mad at me, thank God.

"Do you- do you remember anything from last night?," I asked after a couple of minutes.

"Um, only that I had a nightmare and asked you to stay...," she said slowly. "Why?" 

"Well, because," I started and moved away from her. I leaned on my elbows and she turned around.

"You asked me if I wasn't interested in you anymore," I said and her mouth fell a bit open. Grace's cheeks reddened and she looked at her hands.

"Oh, right... That's the thing with me being sleepy or drunk: I tell the truth," she said and I smiled a little. "I guess I wanted to forget about it." 

"Do you remember my answer?" 

"Yeah." 

"Good," I sighed and smiled at her. "I guess it's time to stand up. Don't worry about these stupid questions." 

I kissed her forehead again and stood up. And I swear to God, I could feel her gaze on my butt.

I smirked, as I entered the kitchen.

 

GRACE

Oh my God. This was so embarrassing.

I closed my eyes and pressed my hands on my face.

I didn't say that to him, right? But... I had. Damn it.

I groaned a little and stood up. Stupid sleepy me.

I took leggings and a big sweater from my bag and went into the bathroom. After I got dressed, I brushed my hair and teeth and washed my face.

I was still looking awful, but I felt better. My heart was still a bit hurt, but I could do nothing but accept my situation.

I stretched, took the jeans and sweater I had slept in and brought them back to my room. When I entered the kitchen, Harry was roasting bacon and my stomach growled. It smelled heavenly.

"Hungry, love?," he asked and looked at me with a smile. I chuckled and nodded slightly.

"You can carry the tray with tea to the table in the living room," he said and I did what he told me.

Already on the table lay bread, bacon, vegetables, fruits and plates. I didn't know how much time must have passed when I was in the bathroom. The moment I sat down, Harry placed another plate with the roasted bacon on the table.

"It looks amazing," I said and he smiled widely.

"I'm doing my best, just for you," he said and I would lie, if I'd insist that this didn't flatter me.

"Thank you," I said and we started eating.

 

"So, what are our plans for today?," I asked and blew the stream from my hot cup.

"Well, I have to work. I'm currently writing on the last song for our album and it has to be finished soon," he said and I nodded. This would mean a pretty lame day for me... again.

"But before that," he started again and I looked to him. "I'll go and get groceries. I think I'm going to teach you how to cook tonight." I laughed and shook my head.

"Good luck. No one has ever accomplished that," I said and he smirked.

"I'll change that." 

I rolled my eyes and took a sip of my tea.

 

While Harry was showering, I cleaned the table and ate a bit of the leftovers; the rest was stowed in the fridge.

When I walked back into the living room, I heard how the bathroom door swung open and Harry stepped out of the room. Again, he only had a towel wrapped around his waist. I was used to this half naked boy by now; he didn't really wear a lot last night or this morning.

We exchanged smiles and I walked past him.

I heard the keys jingle, but it didn't care about it. This time, I didn't try to look into his room or to find out what happened in there. Probably nothing had happened and I had just made it up in my confused mind.

I knew Harry by now. He would never do something bad to me. He wouldn't hurt me or lie to me; he said that the day I woke up. Maybe one could say that I woke up to reality, to my future, somehow.

I've never been a great philosopher or something like that, but it made sense, right?

I looked outside the window and wrapped my arms around myself.

The water of the waterfall bubbled carelessly and it started to rain. The nature laid peaceful right in front of me and I took a deep breath.

Harry hummed a to me not similar melody and I turned around. He was at the front door, wore a light jacket, dark skinny jeans and a grey sweater and put on some brown boots.

"Can you maybe get some new magazines?," I asked and he nodded.

"Sure," he said, gave me a quick smile and unlocked the door.

"You can watch a movie as long as I'm gone," he suggested and I nodded.

"Take care," I said and his smile grew wider.

"Don't worry about me," he said and at first it looked like he wanted to go, but he decided differently. He walked up to me and pulled me into a hug. I smiled and pulled him closer to me, breathing in his aftershave.

"I won't take long, I promise," he whispered and gave me a light kiss on my forehead, before he turned around and left. But not without locking the front door behind him. 

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