*Warning: This chapter has strong sexual content and maybe be sensitive to some people. Read only if you feel comfortable. I will put a brief summary in the A//N Section in case you don't read the full chapter*
--I Also Uploaded yesterday so please make sure you read that one first--
I cried myself to sleep last night. I kind of of realized the Audrey was right. I didn’t care about what happened all year till now. Without even realizing it, every year, I was slowly killing myself over it. Maybe if I just talked to someone, get things off my chest. I don't think I’ll ever be the same after what the guy did to me, but nothings going to get better if I don't try. I curled back into my blanket not really wanting to move. I unlocked my cell phone and sent Vic a quick text asking if he could come over. Not more than a minute later my phone buzzed with a message replying yes. I sat my phone back down on the nightstand and cuddled into my pillows and soon drifted off again.
When I woke up I felt, someone breath tingling on my neck and their hands around me, I jumped and moved away from my stop on the bed quickly, fear shooting through my body. But when I looked back at the spot, there was nothing there. Just blankets and messed up sheets. I was relieved and scared at the same time. I hesitantly crawled back in bed overly cautious. I knew no one was there but that didn't stop my nerves. I tightened the blankets around my shoulders feeling like I was going to cry again, I already was, just not hard yet.
I knock came through my room from the my bedroom door making me jump slightly. “C-come in” I stuttered. I sighed in relief when I saw Vic walking over to me worriedly.
“Kellin are you okay?” He asked cupping my face looking at me. I shook my head and his eyes went sad. He hugged me and took of his shoes and jacket lying next to me.
“How did you get in?” I asked him and laid back down. His arms wrapped themselves around me pulling me tightly to his chest.
“Your door wasn't locked. I locked it when I can in though.” He rubbed my arm soothingly. “What's wrong?” he asked after a few minutes. I just shook my head not wanting to talk about it right now. I nuzzled into his chest and slowed my breathing. I felt so much safer with him. “Well whatever it is, it’s okay.” he kissed my forehead.
A few hours later, I woke up feeling a lot better, but that’s still not say much. Vic and I were still cuddled closely like we were last night. Vic stirred and looked at me smiling. “Morning” he mumbled, and I mumbled the same back. I sat up and the blanket falling off my shoulders. Vic’s hands brushed my lower back and I flinched. “Hey, hey it's okay. Its just me” he gave me that worried look again. “Tell me what’s wrong”
“I can't.” I mumbled. Maybe I wasn't read for any of this. He just kept giving me that look that said, ‘don't worry you can tell me I won't tell anyone else.’ “Do you promise not to tell anyone?”
I took a shaky breath in. “Okay.. um.. When my friend came over yesterday she was here to make sure I was okay… because.. I always get really bad around this year. I never really noticed it though… I would drink myself to death, I would call her in the middle of the night scared and crying..” I felt myself wanted to cry again. my vision was blurry and I was shaky. Vic was sitting up next to me and held my hand trying to comfort me.
“Why do you get like this?” Vic asked cautiously.
“Umm.. when I was 15, I started getting these feelings for guys and I was more attracted to them than before.. by the time that I was 16, I had a boyfriend... It wasn’t serious I guess.. But um.. I thought things were good with us and we were happy.” I choked back a sob and Vic held me tighter. “We never did anything.. I handjob once, but we never went.. all the way… it was a few days before his birthday and I wanted to give him something special.. I didn't really know what, so I.. said I would sleep with him.. I thought I was ready.” My eyes were fixated on what ever was in front of me. I just stared straight as I talked to him. “So it was about this time, my parents were out of town visiting a friend.. They trusted me so I invited him and we were kissing on my bed…”
I was on my bed kissing Dan, my boyfriend at the time. He was grinding against me and he was starting to work on my jaw and neck. I usually had no problem with this, but since I knew that we were going to go all the way this time.. I got nervous. I was starting to get scared. Maybe I wasn't really ready for this. I pushed him up so I can talk to him.
“I.. I don't wanna do this anymore... I-I'm not ready. I'm sorry.” I was hoping that he would be okay with this. He gave me an evil look and shook his head at me.
“You told me you're ready. You are not going back on this. I’m already horny.” He gritted and started taking my boxers off. I started pushing on him and moving around best I could under him trying to get his body off of mine. “Stop moving, dammit” he said as he slapped me. I was shocked then instantly broke into tears and he put his hand over my mouth keeping me quiet. “You are going to do what I say. Okay?” I was so scared I shook my head yes, I didn't know what else do. His hand pushed itself in my pants and started stroking me. “You are nervous” he said with venom in his voice. “Don’t worry little Kelly, I’m gonna make this really good, at least for me” I just cried. I’ve never been more scared in my life.
He flipped me over taking off both of our boxers. “Please, stop” I whimpered as he sat back on me.
“God, just shut up. You're so fucking whiny.” He lifted my thighs and pushing himself inside me. No prep, no lube. Everything hurt so bad. I felt like my body was getting torn in half and set on fire. I tried screaming but his put his hand over my mouth again. I gritted my teeth and gripped my hand to the sheets as hard as I could trying to get the pain to go somewhere else. “Ung.. so tight.. so fucking good” It was getting worse as he thrusted himself harder and harder. He was grunting above me, hitting me hard. “Holy shit, I love your little virgin ass.” I felt like i was suffocating.
I don't know how long the assault lasted but when it was over I couldn't have been more relieved. He grunted and rock and few more times, i knew he was done, then pulled out of me and pulled up his boxers and pants. I laid on my bed crying hysterically. MY face drenched in tears. My eyes red and puffy. He left slamming the door. My body was in so much pain. I could stop crying as I fold my knees to my chest. He used me and just left. I felt so vulnerable and so small. I didn’t want this.. no one does. I trusted him and he took everything...
“Did you tell anyone?” I shook my head no. “Why? someone could have help you, Kellin, you can't just keep this to yourself..” I was bawling already and it looked like Vic was about to cry too.
“Audrey knew.. I told her when she suspected that something was wrong.”
“Kells,” he hugged me tight. “You should have told someone like the police or your parents...”
“I didn't want anyone to ever know. I felt so weak and embarrassed that I let this happened” I held my chest not wanting to have some kind of panic attack or anything.
“Did your parents have any clue what happened?” I shook my head no again.
“No one did. They didn't even know I had interest in guys. It would have just disappointed them.” He kept rubbing my shoulders and back trying to get my breathing regular. He rocked me kind of like a small child making sure I was calm. He could probably feel how shaky I was, I wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore.
“Is this why you sleep around so much?” I nodded.
“I never wanted anyone to know. Ever. I felt so ashamed of myself. It felt like everything was my fault. I thought that I could drink to forget. Sleep with random girls and prostitutes to convince myself that I was okay.. Convince myself that I wasn't gay and no guy could ever hurt me like that again. Then you came along and the feelings came back.”
“Its was you defence mechanism...” I nodded. “Are you gay Kellin?” I took a deep breath in and let it out. I squinted to tears from my eyes and wiping my check.
“I don't know...” I mumbled. “I keep telling myself I'm not so I don't get hurt or disappoint my parents.”
“It’s something that you have no control over. Your parents will love you know matter what.”
I just kept crying. I didn't really know how to act. I've never told anyone about this. I've always kept it to myself. He held me so tight, I couldn’t get away if I tried, I was thankful because I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t holding me. He Kept kissing my head, attempting to make me feel better. “What happened last night? When I came in? you looked so scared.”
“I thought it was him.. I thought he was here. I felt his arms and his breath..”
He let me cry until I fell asleep again. If it was my choice I would sleep forever. Nothing ever seems to go wrong. I woke up and Vic wasn't there this time. He left.. I knew he would.
“Hey,” I heard from my doorway again. I sighed and smiled best I could and mumbled back a hey. He came over and laid next to me, letting me nuzzle myself against him. He played with my hair. “I'm never gonna let that happen again.” he told me and kissed me. “If I knew him, I’d kill him... no one should ever go through that.”
“It was my fault.” I whispered to him moving a little. “I wanted to sleep with him and I chickened out.”
“Kellin, that was not your fault. You had the right to say no. He forced himself on you no matter how much you cried and told him not too. It’s not your fault. okay?” I nodded.
I haven't got out of bed all day, so when I did, I felt weird. I got something to drink, just some water, and sat on the couch and Vic sitting next to me. We talked and watch TV. He didn't talk anymore about what happened. I was happy he didn't. I don't know how much more I was able to handle for right now. I looked at him on the couch. His eyes were fixed on the TV watching whatever was on. He looked at me after a couple minutes and opened his arm so I cuddled into his side. I kissed his neck and his jaw all the way to his lips. He shared back light, gentle kisses. “Thank you” I smiled at him. It really felt good to get that off my chest. He couldn't do anything but.. It still made me feel a lot better than before.
“Kellin, this might be bad timing.. but I was just kind of wondering.. Do you want to go out on a date with me? Like a real date.” I was silent for a second. “If you don't want to it’s okay.. I don't wanna push you into it.” he trailed off. I smiled at him.
“I’d love to, Vic.” He bent his head down kissed me. No ones ever this nice.. and I liked it My heart felt like it was about to explode. I was really falling for this guy. But, in a way, it still scared me.
A//N: So, this chapter is pretty emotional… I hope that it’s still good. Its a much longer chapter. You should let me know what you think. And don't worry, this is the darkest chapter. Nothing else will be like this.
Summary for those who didn't read it: Vic came over late at night/early morning. Kellin told him all about the rape situation and why kellin acts how he does. Its his way of dealing with it. And Vic asked Kellin out and Kellin said yes.